“A Gentle, right-hand turn please”

This is a statement that came from a man who talked a pilot who went blind during a solo flight down down to safety.

Because we have seen this repeated in so many stories in the movies, I doubt it’s impact will fully register on people. It’s no longer the fiction of some action thriller, but rather, for the first time that I have ever heard of, one of the most complicated and delicate tasks has actually been accomplished by two men, one of which, couldn’t see a thing.

It seems to me to be a message to all of us.


It is the second such message that I have received in the past week.

The world has been absolutely flying through this passage of time at high velocity. The rate of change has increased to a level which in my humble opinion is wholly unhealthy for the residents of planet earth. What’s more, is that we are flying blind.

The United States has just rallied around a collective statement that “Change” is what we want more than anything else. In the week after the presidential election, we are all left wondering about what that really means, as the echoes of our voices have left the air and reverberate in our hearts and minds.

It seems to me that although we can’t really agree at this point on what it is that we all want collectively, it is readily apparent that none of us have been happy with the way things have been going.

We just NEED.....”to get there”. We are TRYING to “get there”, we have shown the courage and the HEART to “get there”, but now I think we are being given a series of messages that we all just need to settle down a bit.

As any serious flyer will tell you, there IS such a thing as “going too fast”.
Speed is a strange relative thing. The faster we go, the more we want to go faster. Often we have the ability to move faster than we should. Our ability to go fast usually is developed long before our ability to develop solid navigation control. At slower relative speeds, we can get away with this. Our overall speed in our relative progress is still slow enough to allow for some errors. We are moving along at a good “clip” now however, and we can no longer afford the sophomoric tendencies of humanity's adolescence without putting ourselves at genuine risk.

It is my judgment that we need to seriously consider if not applying a touch of the brakes here, that we should at very least consider letting off the thottle for a while. At least until we can gain a complete understanding of what our “flight characteristics” ARE, at this new speed. I advise that we might consider doing what to many would appear to be the unthinkable.

I suggest that we as the human race reach backwards in time to many of the values of the 50’s and INTEGRATE them with our new value set from our current time.

Let there be Honor, Justice, Freedom, Liberty, Sensitivity, Integrity, Opportunity, and Happiness............for ALL.

It is time for those of us who have been carrying the load to rest a while.
It is time for those of us who have been resting to carry the load.
It is time for us to target and destroy FEAR. It is time for us to LIGHTEN UP.
It is time for us to BELIEVE IN EACH OTHER.

It is time for us to extend our hand to those around us and pull them UP.
It is time for us to Dance.

It is time for us to be aware enough so that when the Divine tells us,

“Now, make a GENTLE, RIGHT-hand, Turn”..............that we are LISTENING.

Accord-(ing) to Tina

I have been having a series of discussions with my old high school friend Tina Everett, and she posted this today. This is a reprinting with her permission.

Why So Lonely?

7:15 a.m.
Why do you feel empty? Like nobody understands you, or god has left you in the corner while everyone else is out to play? You look around at your life, and other people seem so happy, but you have no idea where you are going. It feels like nobody else really cares if you are hurting inside or not.

It's because you are only living half your life. You are going through the motions of daily life, reacting to The Physical, while your Spiritual side slowly atrophies. (Think of a Yin-Yang symbol where the white side is not round, but shrivelled up and dying.) First off, it's ugly, second thing you'll notice is that it is no longer balanced and doesn't work. A wheel needs to be round to turn.

Now don't feel bad; it's happening to a lot more people than you realize. In fact we all go through droughts from time to time. But you have to fix it if you want to be happy again. (And the way to be happy again is to fix that flat tire lol)

People everywhere, especially in modern times are pretty good with the physical side of their lives. We know we have to go to work/school, we know we have to pay those bills, meet those deadlines, honor those responsibilities. And then, to unwind physically, we have sports, hobbies, parties, etc.

But as the world gets more 'modern' or technologically savvy, we have started to mock the spiritual as 'old timey' or ignorant. Very religious people (of any religion) are looked upon with a sort of pity, like they are less intelligent. Some of the more devout ones are considered crackpots... (maybe those are ones who are letting the physical side die as they chase after their godliness, so they are unbalanced the other way.

How many people do you know who live their daily lives in the physical world, but save their religious beliefs for their Sabbath day only? Or who believe in interpreting dreams, healings, or tarot and stuff in the evenings when they're hanging out with certain friends, but forget all about that 'silly' stuff during the workday? *for any Christians who are objecting to 'mystical' references here, read your own bible for a change, it also believes in dream interpretation, fortune telling, mental healing, numerology, and miraculous physical manifestations, so lay off the other folks. Take the WHOLE bible as truth, or use it as cage-liner... if you really believe that Bible like you say, you cannot choose parts to cut out.

Why must you keep your real life separate from your religious life? That is what's killing you. That mental connection with the person you fell in love with has shriveled. The spiritual link that made you just KNOW something was wrong with someone you loved one day, and you coincidentally called them right when they needed it... same thing. Talking with god lately? or just sending "Bitch Lists" out when things don't go your way. (The connection to the Higher is a 2-way phone line, when are you gonna quit talking long enough to listen for a minute?)

Start listening to the air around you. Start trying to connect mentally, put yourself in someone's shoes and learn to care about them for a change. Start exploring your Spiritual beliefs, whatever they are. YOUR beliefs, in your heart, not what some guy in a suit tells you to believe. Eventually you will realize what you were missing and have balance in your life again. When you have finally reconnected to the rest of us, you will never be lonely again.

9 a.m.
Wow, that was quick...
Nothing like a religion-oriented blog to stir up some activity. In response to the emails & phone call I have already received:

1: No it is probably NOT better to look for Spiritual things only, and forget about the physical, even though that sounds really noble. You have responsibilities to take care of here. If you are ignoring the Physical side, either you are letting your body rot while you daydream and search for truth, or you are forcing someone else to handle the responsibilities that you should be taking care of. One way hurts yourself; the other way hurts someone else's spirit.

As for caller number 2: Pick a religion. All of them have threads of truth, and all of them have a lot more of it wrong. Remember the game in grade school where Kid A whispered something to Kid B, and then Kid B passed it on, and so forth? Remember how botched it always comes out? Now try that with several billion people over a few centuries... Just follow what Religion your parents gave you, or whichever you feel closest to.

And 3: No I am not claiming to have all the answers... If you feel that strongly about it, all I can say is don't read my blogs, but love me in spite of it.

Three Times

He was alone.

He could hear the wind sift through the trees outside his open windows.

Gentle breezes which seemed to be calling his attention.

Like soft.....breathing.

He felt himself unconsciously matching his breathing to the sound.

He felt the long heavy curls of his own hair moving on his neck as the breeze caressed him. He started when he realized he was feeling hair he had long since lost. “shhhhhhh” he heard in the highest registers of his hearing.

He knew this presence, and although he knew that he knew it, he couldn’t place it. Like the lazy curls of smoke from the candle, his memory yawned open in it’s search for recognition. But more importantly, he knew that this presence knew HIM.

He waited, afraid to move a muscle lest he should break the spell.

The firelight flickered shadows in the room around him. It was comforting, the crackle and pop of the fire jarred him into the awareness that he had lit no fire.

In the distance he heard a woman's soft murmur of laughter. It was the laugh of amused affection.

He stared into the fire and even his thoughts seemed to stand still.

He heard the tinkle of a spoon in a tea cup.

She always has tea, he thought, as the aroma of fine black tea reached his nose from the cup on the table before him.

He turned from the fire to the place setting across the table from him, as her eyes beckoned his attention into them.

There she was.

His heart threatened to explode from the intense emotions. Attraction, fear, enchantment, confusion, and recognition.

“Oh come now, after all this time this is how you show me how much you’ve missed me?”, she whispered in mock despair.

“I have absolutely no idea who ....or what..... this “woman” is.”, he thought.

“You know EXACTLY who I am”, she whispered. “But I’ll grant you that it has been a pretty good stretch of time.”

She sipped her tea and pulled her legs up into the chair with her. It was only then that he began to really look at her.

She had long flowing hair. It was red, no, brown, no? black with a purplish tint..

“Stop that!” she commanded. “You will see me as your hearts desire. You know how much I hate it when you cannot make up your mind. Close your eyes and feel me sitting here from your heart, once you have done that, then open your eyes.”

“I can’t do this, it’s confusing.” he said.

“Who ARE you? and what do you want with me?” he inquired.

“There is a part of you who knows who I am, and what I am here for. It has been a very long time. We have some time yet, as I have arrived early. I will come again soon and you will perhaps remember me then.
I’ve missed you little one”

He opened his eyes in panic “no wait!” he gasped.

But he was alone.

Chambers of the Heart

What is the terror that we experience when something we have asked for with all of our heart is .........given ...........to us?

Is it so much to believe that we can actually have what it is that we ask for?

What makes us not only hesitate, but in fact actively deny ourselves a gift that seems to come directly from the Divine?

Is it the peculiarity of the random nature of WHAT of our many requests specifically appear to be granted to us which create the barriers within us? Are those the barriers that prevent us from accepting the gift when it finally arrives? Is it a fact that we define our reality based on what we desire, and whether or not that desire can or will ever be fulfilled? Can the conditioned response that we get from being blocked when we reach out for something actually wind up being the blockage created by ourselves when what we have asked for is finally, belatedly put within our grasp?

Are we unconsciously limiting ourselves in what we can have of our desires because on some level we do not feel worthy of receiving the very things that we beg for? Are we so arrogant that we assume to be a better judge of worthiness than the Divine?

Does it wind up being a two part process? We ask the Universe or the Divine for something, and then after it is provided for us we disallow it from manifesting in our lives because we are unsure of our worthiness? Is it a case of God may forgive us, but we cannot forgive ourselves or each other?

Is our fear of accepting a gift seemingly from the Divine evidence of a lack of complete trust in the Divine? We struggle every single day to learn to develop an accord with what it is that we reach for, verses what we are apparently allowed to have. When we ask for something that we desire but do not believe that it is possible for us to have, isn’t it our disbelief of possibility that which prevents us from accepting the very thing that we have asked for?

I believe that it is.

I think that once we have made up our minds (as the result of purely self protective guardianship) that something is not within our reach, to acknowledge that what we have asked for has been presented to us threatens to contradict our well developed notions about what our reality actually is, how it works, and what our place is in it. When we are given something which is in direct contradiction of our personal reality construct, we are suddenly forced to deal with a discrepancy which is an acknowledgment that our personal and collectively defined reality doesn’t take into consideration the possibility of that which we have no explanation for.

Once something like this happens in our life, we are afraid to accept what is offered because to close our fingers around something we have desired for so long requires us to relinquish our understanding of how such a thing came to be. Most of us live in a sort of self denied state of terror as it is. To acknowledge that our understanding of our existence and our role in it is unknown is the final nameless faceless horror in each of our lives. Without our carefully defined mechanistic world, we would have nothing to hold on to. Nothing to keep us anchored in our understanding of what reality is and the causality of our interaction WITH it.

If this is true, then it follows that we wind up being our own guides through this plane of existence. We limit ourselves in what we allow ourselves to know, to experience, or what desires we have we will allow ourselves to have. This actually makes sense and lends itself to the idea of Karma and the cycle of transformation.

We are given a passkey though, we can skip some of the more detailed lessons that we don’t need if we can show that we have a full working understanding of the main lesson above which the smaller lessons are grouped.

We’d have to describe it this way.

Yes.

Yes I can have my hearts desire, but am I really ready for that?

Yes I can have my hearts desire, but is what I desire what I really NEED?

Yes I can have my hearts desire, but only if I can get my mind and my heart around the fact that the Divine is right before me, offering to me what it is that I have requested?

Then the question becomes much more simple, and complex.

What is it that I really desire? What is it that my Higher Self wants me to know? What will my Higher Self allow me to have that the Divine has offered me? Will my {lower}self allow me to accept what is being offered, or will my {lower}self refuse it out of a sense that I don’t deserve it? A sense that I should be punished by disallowing that which I desire but feel unworthy of?

I could skip the lessons involved if I learned how to just be.

I could skip the lessons involved if I learned how to just forgive.

I could skip the lessons involved if I learned how to just Love.

I could skip the lessons involved if I learned that I am not in control.

I could skip the lessons involved if I learned to relinquish expectation.

I could skip the lessons involved if I learned to stop trying to work my will.

I could skip the lessons involved if I learned that I am beautiful, and that the beauty I share with others is God’s grace as much as it is an expression of my own.

I could skip the lessons involved if I could but learn that I am a vessel.
That everything I am and everything I do is as much a part of God as it is a part of me.

I could skip the lessons involved if I could but feel that God is inside of me.

I could skip the lessons involved if I could not fear the loss of myself as I reach out to join with the Divine. (for how can I be lost if what I am is the essence of the Divine?)

Maybe the biggest challenge that I face here on earth is the challenge of trusting that I have God within me, and as a result of that, that I am within God?

Until I am able to overcome these lessons I may remain trapped.....

trapped within the chambers of my own heart.

Deep Space Distress Signal

The flickering lights illuminated her face. The strobe had the effect of stretching the images into horrific twisted shapes. The darkness burned the last seen image upon the retina’s, into her brain. The fragile eggshell of her shelter from space shuddered and the sound of fatigued metal sang it’s death song to her. She heard none of it. The sound of her own hammering heartbeat was all that she could hear. That, and the static of an unresponsive communications link.

“Hello? This is

Can anyone hear me?”

“I need help”

“Oh puleease please please....dear GOD please help me”





What is it about the very concept of a Deep Space Distress Signal that seems to access the most primitive of fears in the human psyche?

The fear of being left behind. Forgotten. Left to die. Abandoned.

The fear of not being able to be self sufficient. Or, to put it another way,

The fear of not being ABLE to take care of oneself.

That, my friends, is true, fear.

Throughout the course of our lives, we will face this fear, over and over again. Like a Demon it will return to frighten us, usually when we feel least able to fight against it. But that is, after all, it’s nature.

There are so many openings in our lives where this Demon may try to sneak in and make us doubt what we should never doubt. From something as simple as the ultimate stress of being put into the light, under the glare of judgment, a test, a performance, a trial, or a rite of passage....to the extreme of learning how to function in the absence of a loved one. A separation or a death.

This Demon is like most other Demons. It is a Demon until we master it’s lesson. Once we overcome our fear then we have the ability to see that the Demon is really an Angel, an Angel who has come to teach us that one single thing. The most important of messages we will ever know.

The lesson that no matter WHAT happens..................................We can do it.

It may not be pretty, we may not get style points, but we can it make through to the other side.

Like an angry drill instructor our Angel will mercilessly corner us in our fear until we accept that vital piece of information.

We can do it, and we WILL do it.

We will do it or deal with the wrath of a very pissed off Angel whose job it is to punish us with our fear until we have had enough and turn to face it.

So the next time you feel the chilling cold of deep space, and nobody answers your radio, I want you to remember that as the fear mounts and your voice gets caught in your throat, and your heart starts hammering to the point where it feels like it will explode, that what you are feeling is your Angel. I want you to know that he is hard core. Old school. Fucking MEAN. That fear you feel is his pitchfork, goading you. Pushing you. Challenging you. He wants you to turn around and face that fear and scream at him to step the hell OFF.

Because you can DO this. By YOURSELF if you have to.

And he and you both KNOW it.

As any seasoned Soldier will tell you, two of his oldest friends are fear and pain.

Both will keep you from ever being truly alone. Both will keep you alive.



“This is Alpha Omega responding to received distress signal.....over”

Chitty Chitty Bang BANG!

I promised earlier that I would write a piece in regard to the black magic of how to save on gasoline, and this is that bit.

I am currently a professional driver. But really that just is the latest description to basically a lifetime of playing with machines. I was inspired as a kid by the movie “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”, and have been an inventor ever since. In order to become an inventor, one has to have a great detailed knowledge of how things work. (After all, one must pay homage to those who have invented before himself by studying and learning of their acts of brilliance. I take a moment to give you this background so that you may more easily understand the mechanism by which I have discovered the information I’m about to share with you.

To really understand how to make your driving as efficient as possible, one must first understand what is really happening behind the common acts we all perform on a daily basis, under the hood of the machines which we depend so completely on. So I will start with a basic explanation of what an internal combustion engine is, and how it works, and then later when I give you the reasons why things work the way that they do, you’ll have a more complete understanding beyond the knowledge of the information itself.

An engine is really just an air pump. It’s kind of a strange way of thinking, that the whole fuel aspect of it is pretty much secondary, but really, it is.

If you’ve any experience with air pumps of any size, this should help you gain a firmer understanding of what is going on with an engine. The main difference of course is that instead of using electricity to turn the pump, we put a flammable liquid INSIDE the pump and drive it from the inside, instead of from the outside.

Next, let’s look at any kind of flywheel type of system you’ve ever used, and see how that compares to what we are doing with an automotive drive train. Lets start with a relatively familiar observation that I’m sure most of us can relate to.

A bicycle.

Ever notice when you first start riding your bike that when you first start off, it takes WAY more effort to push the pedals than it does once you have actually started moving? This is because of the physics law where an object in motion tends to stay in motion. Once you get the bike rolling at a steady speed, the amount of energy required to push the bike is drastically reduced. Only a change in speed, or a change in road surface or additional wind resistance will cause you to have to push harder.


So lets go back to our air pump. Just like when you are peddling the bike, the engine itself will tend to stay in motion after it has reached a certain speed. So when we start off, we spend a much bigger amount of fuel to get it going, and once it’s going we can trickle off the fuel supply quite a bit without the machine changing it’s relative speed.

Now, while we are on the subject....what we have been using in our model here is a fast acceleration to a constant speed. But since we are here, let’s also notice something else. Ever notice when you are riding your bike that if you accelerate very slowly, just a little bit faster a little bit at a time, how much less the effort is? The same goes with our air pump.

A slow acceleration requires much less energy expenditure than a faster acceleration. This is because we are using the law of inertia to our advantage. The slower we accelerate, the less energy we use, because we are NOT fighting inertia as much as when we try to reach warp 9 in ten seconds.

Ok. Now that we have a basic familiarity with these principles, lets bring it back to our common experience behind the wheel.

I think that there is a basic misunderstanding of the level of technology that we are dealing with here. Another way of looking at an engine (other than an air pump) is a big campfire. When we are driving and we stab the throttle and “open it up”, what that means is, we are no longer metering out the fuel to the engine at all and are instead allowing the maximum amount of fuel to go through the system to make the fuel flow from the gas tank to the point where it is burned as fast as possible. The relative speed of this is based on how big the engine/air pump is, and how big the pipe is that runs from the tank to the engine/air pump. Using our campfire example, when we step on the throttle a little bit it’s like taking a dixie cup and tossing that much fuel on the fire. When we stab the throttle and “open it up” we are taking the biggest bucket we can carry full of fuel and throwing it on the campfire. I’m sure most of us can relate to what happens. We can throw dixie cups of fuel on the fire all night long and make it flare up just a little bit, or, we can throw a huge supply of fuel on the fire and it makes it flare up really big. But the amazing part of it is.....the length of time that the fuel flares up on the fire, lasts about the same amount of time whether we use a dixie cup, or a bucket. Right? That is because the rate at which the fuel actually burns is constant. It is controlled by the fuels octane. Thus fuel that has an octane rating of 87 burns FASTER, and fuel that has an octane rating of 92 burns SLOWER. We like SLOW burning fuel because the slower it burns, the longer the “flare up” we get when we throw it on the fire. Make sense?


Ok, I hope yall are still with me, it’s difficult to make this readily understandable and yet keep it somewhat brief.
I had mentioned that we are limited in how far we can control or manipulate the fire by our technology. This is an overly simplistic statement, but will have to do for now. The point is, because of the laws of physics, and the various technologies we have to try to get around them, we are currently kind of stuck with our fuel burning air pumps as the primary method by which we loco mote around.

So lets take a look at how we the driver of an automobile can make each tank of gas go the farthest.

First of all, don’t forget our bike model. Slow starts save fuel. Once we are going, SMALL changes in speed are ten TIMES as efficient as “dropping the hammer” to make a lane change or pass another car.

The truth of it is ........we are our own worst enemy when it comes to saving fuel. Who doesn’t enjoy feeling the power of giving your car the equivalent of the command, “ahead warp factor 9”? We are all creatures of the physical, and it brings us pleasure to feel a car squat down and rocket off whenever we tell it to. It affirms our sense of personal power and enhances the illusion that we have some degree of power over our environment, if not our lives. But that’s ALL it is. A quick momentary burst of your wallet as it goes from your wallet to the tank to the roaring campfire for a quick momentary flare-up. Then of course it goes into our air in the form of pollutants which we pay for again several dozen times as we attempt to clear it out of our water, food, etc. etc. You get the picture.

So if we could just learn to control our typical animal impulses, and not make the trip to the grocery store an amusement park ride, we’d be saving a lot of money, fuel, and impact to the environment right there.

Ok. Enough of the explanation and now I’ll get down to the brass tacks of tips to save on fuel.

Let’s start with wind resistance. If the universe was trying to tell mankind just how fast we ought to be traveling, the physics laws of wind resistance and drag ought to be a big clue to us. For those who are unaware, the breakpoint for the change in aerodynamics is about 45m.p.h. What does that mean? That means, that if you had the horsepower to move it, you could drive a building down the road at speeds up to about 45 before it would make any difference whatsoever as to what shape your vehicle was. Now this is a key factor here. Another way of stating this is that our engine is operating at it’s peak efficiency rate (the most movement for the least amount of fuel) at 45. This is why a while back they opted for the 55m.p.h speed limits. After 45 m.p.h., the efficiency of our machine goes down DRASTICALLY. Waste is increased substantially up to 60, and after 60, we are just THROWING fuel on the fire. But remember, this is only in reference to wind resistance, so the rules still apply at slower speeds regarding slow starts to overcome inertia efficiently.

So, if you can, drive 45, or less. The tradeoff obviously is time. They say time is money, and it is never so apparent as when you turn the key to your car.

Spend the time, drive slower, save money of fuel. Actually save a LOT more than just fuel, you’d also save on tires, drive train component wear and tear, and as an extra added bonus, you’ll have more reaction time to avoid that idiot driver trying to text on his phone while driving. You’d also lower the amount of pollution that your car emits into the atmosphere when you drive slower.

So, our next tip is that when you are on the road, stop using your brakes.
THINK about what you are doing instead of using your brakes to save errors in judgment. LOOK down the road and if you see a blockage about to occur, just let off the throttle. Give yourself enough time to allow the car to slow down on it’s own. Remember, each and every single time you step on the brakes, you are effectively erasing the forward momentum you just spent X amount of $ on to get going. Not only that, but have you ever wondered just how much of the air contaminants we have to breathe are the brake dust from all of our cars? The next time you go down the highway in bumper to bumper traffic, imagine that you could actually SEE the brake dust flying up into the air in front of you from the traffic in front of you. Yeah, that dust is going right into your A/C intake and right into your car. Not much, but then, how much brake dust is on the U.S. Recommended Daily Allowance as part of your healthy diet? See what I mean? It always cracks me up to see a car with uber liberal green bumper stickers all over it’s tail engaging in the STOMP throttle and then brake behavior.

MOST of it, is absolutely preventable. If people would stop all the other multitasking attempts they try to do while operating an automobile, and pay attention, we’d have smoother traffic flow and less pollution. Needlessly stomping on the accelerator, and then negating that with a stomp on the brakes is the WORST way to drive. For EVERYONE.

To recap:
Drive slower if you can.
When you drive, drive in “slow motion” .....like granny does. A little throttle here, a little brake there, but never brake if you can anticipate a slow down instead, just let go of the throttle EARLY.

Maintain your car. more air in the tires means that they roll with less effort.
Keep them properly inflated.
Change the air and fuel filters in your car. Change the oil. These things reduce friction and increase efficiency.

The single biggest way to save money on fuel is to plan ahead. Save all your trips for one outing, then allot enough TIME for you to “mosey along”.
If you need to open something wide up, make it your car stereo volume.

I hope this helps.

Chiron’

Without a Handrail

Life moves so fast in some areas of our lives that it isn’t until we can come to a full stop, that we have any real idea or sense of what is going on around us. For those of us who lead single or solitary lives, it can be a real challenge to stop. For us, to stop is to risk becoming lost between worlds.

Daily life moves like a very fast stream. Each action and reaction is seemingly interwoven. We think on our feet, if we think at all. It is very easy to allow our obligations to blot out how we are really feeling.

Once we depart the fast moving stream of our obligations and enter the quiet space of our inner life, the world is much different. Movement is like that of slow water.

As a single man, living on my own, sometimes I have to really question whether I am really living. The problem is, the inertia of the week is so strong, that the force of last weeks issues often blows past the finish line of the week and continues with it’s unstoppable force straight into the weekend and then THROUGH the weekend, like a locomotive that has derailed and runs uncontrolled to it’s final resting place. My life has been moving so fast for me that the time required for me to decompress is roughly about twice the amount of time I have allotted to accomplish decompression and renewal for the following week.

The trouble is, the speed of my movement away from work is much different than when I am work.

I am not certain of course, but I would imagine that solitary life for others is similar to my own.

Alone, my inner world comes forth. It takes a while for me to find my natural rhythm again. My natural rhythm is timid, and will disappear in the blink of an eye if it feels threatened. It is up to me to coax it out from hiding, and encourage it to sing to me. That takes time.

I tend to “live in my head”, because there really isn’t much externally to keep me FROM that. Life moves much much slower there. There I can actually SEE. There I can actually FEEL.
There I can get a broader viewpoint of the world in which I live.
My home gets messy because my home is primarily my place to BE. Just ....Be. When I am at home, my body resides there, but my Spirit is often elsewhere. It is a cocoon of protection. A place I can become ultimately vulnerable. It’s where I stop, sit on the floor and sit in ultimate silence and feel the earth beneath me. It’s where I can dream. It’s where I can write.

Solitary life is the kind where the simple ring of a phone can shatter the environment with it’s shrill demand. It can be both a lifeline in times of desperation, and an unwanted intruder when I have developed peace.

The phrase, “lose track of time” has a whole new meaning in this world.

Time is measured by how many cups of tea I have made, how many cigarettes I have smoked, how much of the mundane tasks I have accomplished. Time is measured by how fast and how well I can recharge.

Sometimes, I am not able to recharge. I am forced to enter into a new week in a state of mental or emotional exhaustion. This is when I really have to be careful, because this is what can trigger the tidal wave of depression. At times like this, I don’t do a whole lot. I will find a piece of instrumental music, an incomplete musical phrase, that I can loop and I will set it in motion. I will play it nonstop in an effort to find rhythm. My rhythm. It will serve as life support for me until my own rhythm can function again on it’s own. Sometimes this takes a while. I know it is working when I find myself suddenly growing extremely emotional, as the endless repetition functions like a drill, penetrating my core and any blockages that are preventing me from finding my own natural rhythm again. Irritating if I resist it, hypnotic if I allow myself to be seduced by it. Almost a way of creating an illusion of stopped time. One moment, relived over and over except that, with each reiteration, new harmonics become perceivable. Eventually I will begin to hear more than what is playing. Eventually, the pain in my heart will begin to dissipate, and I will find resolution. Peace. Acceptance.

The trouble is, once I have been in this space, it becomes very difficult to exit it’s peaceful state. Modern life is almost a direct contradiction to it’s wave. Entering either world is a task that requires energy, flexibility and a great amount of fortitude.

I don’t know what I expected life to be like when I grew older, but I never expected this. I keep searching for understanding, of both myself, my worlds and others who are in them. For now, I will keep walking, one foot in front of the other, being careful not to lose my balance in this life without a handrail.

Cat as Catch Can

I’ve been keeping my nose to the grindstone for an extended period of time now. I have finally understood what it is that causes people to turn away from their inner imp and focus instead on hammering away at what seems to be important in this life. (Que The Pretenders song “Back on the chain-gang) Personally, I have been hurling that hammer against the seemingly unyielding rock of many aspects of my life. What starts with energy, drive, and determination eventually give way to a state of exhaustion. I find it difficult to continue to throw my hammer against that rock of my life, and when I cannot lift it over my head anymore I find that inner space where the energy of my desire and intent has balanced with the apparent lack of progress and my exhausted resignation to continue.

Sometimes I have to stop and weigh the progress of my work against the time and energy I have spent towards that endeavor. It becomes obvious that although progress is being made, that I either need to abandon the task or find a bigger hammer.

It started with a single big rock. (Que lyrics from Funkadelic’s “One nation under a Groove”) It was blocking my path and I was irritated by it. I yelled at it. I screamed at it. I kicked it. I threw my shoulder against it. I used the force on it. No matter what I did, that *&#@!!!!!### rock wouldn’t move.

It seriously pissed me off.

The power of it’s unyielding presence intimidated me. It frustrated me and inspired a fury within me that I have never known to date. A fury so powerful that it frightened those around me, and in my heart of hearts, it frightened me a little too.

It awakened the pure animal Spirit within me as I seemed to revert into my more base animal instincts. As I slashed and clawed, hissed and growled at the rock it became apparent in my rage that my totem was that of a big Cat.

When the only way out of place appears to be blocked by a big rock, I had two choices. Find a way to remove the rock, or, accept that the Creator and the Universe has blocked my path for a reason that I cannot see or understand.


And so the work began. As I brought my powerful hammer down upon that rock, I was given a sense of hope as small bits and pieces yielded to my strength and fell away. Encouraged, I increased my effort and more of this rock shattered under the force of my will.


I continued hammering away at the rock. Shards of the rock blew back at me and cut me. I continued with bloody hands and the sweat of my exertion blinded my eyes. Then I had a setback as I discovered that the rock had varying densities. The core of the rock was unbreakable. I tried everything, but it just wouldn’t yield. Anger became futility. Futility became sadness. Sadness became serious depression.

Eventually, I acknowledged that this was the end of that path.


So I decided (typically of me) that if I had to have this rock in the path of my life, that by God I was going to at very least leave my mark upon it. If my path of progress toward my desire and intent had been arrested (never mind that I really don’t know what that is), then I had no choice but to set up camp and figure out my next move. If I had to look at that rock every day then I was going to at least shape it into a more pleasing state. If this is to be where I am to stop, well then I would celebrate this rock as the milestone to the end of my travels and make it the centerpiece of my garden. I began on the soft pieces of the rock that I could remove easily. There was no thought to what I was doing. I merely cut away what seemed useless and unnecessary.

I worked on this rock for years. It occurs to me that I will likely spend the rest of my life hammering on this rock. But it really doesn’t matter, as I am trapped here, and there isn’t really anything else to do.

So I stopped for now. I’ve decided to rest. I’ve been chipping away on this rock for a very long time and I’ve never taken a break from the task since it started.

I threw the tools down and walked away from the rock.

For the first time since I began this project, I have laid eyes on what I have been unconsciously working on.

As I turned around to look at that rock, I realized that I had carved it into my own likeness.

As I stare at it in wonder and confusion, I realize that it’s beautiful.

Tears well up as I begin to have a glimmer of understanding of why it marks the end of that path, and why I will work on it for the rest of my life.

Excuse Me...

Excuse me
If I may
Turn your attention
My way
One moment
I won't plead
It isn't much
It's what I need

And what's so small to you
Is so large to me
If it's the last thing I do
I'll make you see

If you turn from me
You darken my sun
You snap that thin thread
I call my horizon
And I'd like to remind you
Of something small
That the rock in this pocket
Could cause your fall

And what's so small to you
Is so large to me
If it's the last thing I do
I'll make you see

So small to you
And so large to me
If its the last thing I do
I'll make you see

I might be out like a light
Extinguished in the throw
But I'll hit my mark
And you'll know
Because I'm really well acquainted
With the span of your brow
And if you didn't know me then
You'll know me now
You'll know me now

And what's so small to you
Is so large to me
If its the last thing I do
I'll make you see

So small to you
And so large to me
If it's the last thing I do
I'll make you see
Make you see
Make you see


(A Rock in this Pocket {Song of David} by Suzanne Vega



“Remember your Divinity”

“You are a beautiful Spirit, and capable of making a beautiful world”

“Creator Loves YOU”

“Show me that you can live without Fear, TRUST, in the process”

“Love that person who is the person you want to be. Then be that person”

“Be who you ARE”

She Loves me.....She Loves me Not...

A statement punctuated by each pull of a flowers petals until the answer to one of the worlds oldest questions stares us right in the face: and we still don’t get it.

(For if the Goddess can find me Lovable, then surely I must be...)

(...and if she doesn’t Love me, then must I suffer and make all those around me suffer as well?)

At some point in our lives, all of us are searching for validation. Some of us are aware of the search, while others continue to look in an unconscious state, wandering through their lives in a seemingly un-awakened state, yearning to find that THING. That THING, that would resolve the emotional hunger pangs which we cannot seem to get a solid enough grasp upon. More often, it has us flailing about wildly, open armed and frantically trying to grasp smoke.

Over time it becomes apparent, (usually after repeated heartbreak and letdown from unfulfilled experiences) that we will never actually satiate that hunger or emotional need by putting ourselves out there on the block and trying to find that special someone who will magically ...”do the trick.”

No, it isn’t until we finally reach that point in life where the sum total of our experiences begin to develop and illustrate a pattern to us that we have the opportunity to become aware that what we are doing isn’t going to be the solution. Unfortunately, many of us will have fallen by the wayside into self-destructive behavior as a direct result of NOT being able to make that imagined connection LONG before they have reached the point where they will see the answer. Why? Because on SOME level they will internalize their lack of success and misinterpret the reasons why they are not succeeding. They will believe that the reasons for not making a connection are because they are not “good enough” or “not together enough”, or not “mature enough”. These are the slights that we may have judged others with and eventually subconsciously judge ourselves with when it becomes apparent that we have had no more success than those we have judged in the past. In fact, most of the judgments we tend to make about others seem to stem from fears that we may have about ourselves but want to displace away from ourselves on to others.

It’s all so unnecessary.

We never really know what it is that we are looking for. Our subconscious works in mysterious ways. Is it our subconscious, or is it our Higher Self.....a Spirit Guide, and Angel....or even the Divine, that guides our behavior or choices?

Choices.

That is the very essence of what life is about here on planet Earth School.

Our choices define many things. They define our personality, our interaction with everyone and everything from our closest mates to our position in society and our reputation in the world.

I remember a book that comes to mind on my parents bookshelf that I saw as a child. “I’m okay, You’re okay”. I haven’t read that book yet, but something tells me that I might ought to. It seems to possibly be directed in a similar vein.

So it is at this point that I become aware of just how much of the world’s expressed pain is the direct result of all those people trying to run from their very basic fear of ....”not being okay”. The end result of which becomes, obviously, that we are NOT BEING OKAY!

As we learn to love ourselves and perceive the Divinity within ourselves, it becomes far far easier to accept others as being of the Divine as well.
Think for a moment, what the world might be like if everyone here could realize that although bad things can happen to us all, that we are all basically..........okay. We would no longer have the need to prove to others that we were NOT okay and therefore would not continue along our path of “personal bests” in the process of demonstrating to others that we are really......NOT.....okay.

So. An object in motion tends to stay in motion. (whether in forward or reverse.......you catch my drift?)

Let’s move forward. Let’s believe that we are okay. Let’s believe that those around us are also, okay. Let’s believe that the Divine Creator really does love us. (hey, why not? what have we got to lose, right?)
Let’s believe that our Divine Creator can show up in cameo appearances in the eyes of those around us. (Kind of like Agent Smith moves through available bodies in the film “The Matrix”)

Let’s give ourselves a break, and offer ourselves the CHANCE to really FEEL.......Okay.........Connected.....Loved.....Worthy.

Because when the many petals are plucked from that poor flower, all that remains is ONE.

Love Chiron’

Smile and the world smiles with you...

I think that one of the most interesting discovery’s that I have made recently is just what the impact of a smile is on a persons face.

I recently went to meet someone who I had never seen in person before, and although I looked right at her, didn’t recognize her because she wasn’t smiling. Yet the moment that she began to smile, I knew her immediately. I had no idea that a simple genuine smile could alter the topography of a face to that degree. Julie really does have a beautiful smile.

If she had not smiled, I would have thought that I had missed her and that she wasn’t actually in the room at all.

What does this say about the impact of a smile in general in our lives on a daily basis?

How are other aspects of our lives altered because of a missing smile?

According to my mechanic, a person can burn forty calories a day if you laugh for just 15 minutes a day. (No wonder he is so thin!) Dan almost always has a smile on his face.

It makes me wonder how many of the potential opportunities may be initiated simply because we are smiling.

A simple genuine smile can take your average everyday person and turn them into an attractive thing of beauty.

The charm school instructor in the move “Point of no return” instructs our heroine Bridget Fonda (one of my all-time favorite dream gals) to “Always smile when you enter a room, it puts others at ease”.

I’m quite certain that a smile also causes our own body to react emotionally as well. Especially if the smile is genuine.

Sometimes it becomes difficult to smile though. The saying “Grin and bare it” comes to mind. We have heard that saying so often that I think it has somewhat lost it’s original comedic appeal. In some cases people don’t even know to what “bare it” refers to.

But in the end, (cackling) it doesn’t matter. As I have stated before, all of what is......is merely a process of coming to be, and then falling away.
What matters to us as members of earth-school, is that we fully understand the lack of relevance of all the small things in our lives, (the material possessions, the level of our popularity, the mark that we leave behind us on this world in terms of our accomplishments).

All of it pales in comparison to the value of how we learn to simply treat each other.

When our life is done, when it is all over, if we have left behind a memory of our smile in the hearts and minds of those we have loved, then we have lived a rich and rewarding life.

Love and Respect

There is no “THEM”....

There is only.....”US”


Re-SPECT

Looking at the word, it seems to be code for an older wiser meaning than what the commonly accepted vernacular seems to represent in these times.

Respect. To HONOR. Re=to repeat. Spect= to look. The act of Respecting is to RE LOOK. To take another perspective, to re-examine. To re-evaluate. To honor another viewpoint.

In my world, it becomes apparent to me that the only way that I can ever truly respect (or honor) myself, is to “show others respect”. For, as I recognize that I am connected to all things, I also recognize that to respect others IS to respect myself.

It necessarily follows then, that if I can NOT respect (or show honor to) others, I can not honor myself. (because of that little snag where I am connected and basically indivisible from all else, whether I am aware of that or not)

So I guess this means I have to honor other ........everything?

Yup, looks that way.

Because it is all but an extension of what I am. Some other way of expressing that witch is me.

Whether I am gazing upon another race, religion, philosophy, expression of sexuality, expression of the body politic, belief of being (or non being as the case may be) perspective on reality, or of course, most importantly....
who makes the best car.

It’s all part of me. As I stretch my mind around that......FACT.

I am humbled. Fortunately, God gave me an energy, a tool, a catalyst to help me accept that which seems foreign or prohibitively distant to me.

He gave me the ability to Love. All I need to do, to learn to accept all that there is that is out there.....that is OTHER forms of ME........is to Love.

As I learn to open my heart, and Love freely, I discover that my heart increases it’s capacity, it’s potential, it’s strength, to Love.

John was really telling us the truth. All we need is Love.

Memorial Day

It is said that there can be a better world.

It is said that it is better to become active and fight for a solution to today’s problems, than to complain and do nothing.

Our country was built on the shoulders of courageous men and women throughout our history. Men and women of all races, religions and philosophies have demonstrated their strength to us all.

The strength I speak of isn’t the strength of muscle, or armament. It isn’t the strength of putting our petty differences aside for the purpose of our nations common good.

The strength I speak of is the strength of conviction. Commitment. The strength to face the fear of the unknown when circumstance suggests overwhelmingly that to do so is putting the instinct of self preservation aside. Putting the need to defend one’s own life behind the need to defend another's life, or, way.......of life.

Or, is it a reflection of the concept of self being much larger than a single individual?

Unity of purpose. Unity of mind. Unity of spirit. America has been referred to in the past as “The melting pot”. I submit that the kettle of American military service is where the broth of American values comes together.

Duty. Honor. Loyalty. Self-Sacrifice. Pain. Fear. Hope. and Love.

As a member of the family of the American Military, I salute you for continuing to carry on our code. Our values. Our message to the world.

You are the best of what we are.

Thank you.

A Stitch in Time

...and what began initially as more of a change in atmospheric condition, began to make itself known with a gentle invasion. Like vapor entering a room, the change in attitude and perspective was imperceptible at first, and manifesting itself so slowly that there was no indication that life had ever been any different.

...and so it was with him, the world, and it’s condition universally.

The only constant in reality is it’s inconsistency. Each aspect of reality pinwheels around the fulcrum of what is held up and examined, rendering adjacent occurrence seemingly insignificant. However, all that is, remains interwoven with long threads which usually remain latent, only to reveal themselves connected by the snag of the observers caught attention.


Indication of movement becomes subjective. Brooding clouds of emotion offer rain for indeterminate period of time.

And it rained.

For one season after another. It continued to rain. The spirit drowning in adversity as the water level continued to rise. Desperation forms one last cry as the spirit is submerged and disappears into the black, the depths where shadows of meaning make their home.

The waterlogged soul swells until one day, the new sprout of spirit is born.

Upward, beyond the waterline the promise of alternative reality beckons. Yearning and desperate for light the spirit moves upward, reaching.
Feeding with the roots from the past deep water the spirit breaks through to minimal resistance, where the dawning sun nourishes.

A May Day

“Are you Single?”

“Are you Gay?”

“Are you Working?”


If Lisa’s interrogation technique isn’t just hitting the nail on the head I don’t know what would describe single life in 2008 better. I’m referring of course to the movie “P.S. I Love you”. (Quite honestly the most significant film to come out of Hollywood in quite a while, but I’ll review it elsewhere, later)

I have had several conversations with people lately, and completely unintentionally, have run across a general feeling of resigned indifference among those I spoke with in regard to their level of hope when it comes to finding someone.

How things change when you wake up and find yourself over forty and single.

It is such a head spin really.

It seems as though as people we all find ourselves slowly outgrowing those things in our life which have held us back. Ironic really. Although we may dread the thought of attempting to define our lives in a manner other than who we spend it with, who we love or who loves us, it is at that precise moment of clarity when the pressure of making a perceived deadline expires in our life, that we are finally freed from constrictive vision.

Separations are difficult. There are moments, to be sure, of extreme distress, but over time things become a little more desensitized. People say that time heals all wounds, but what they REALLY mean is, time will grind away your need to care about the things that you cannot control or understand with the efficiency of a power sander.

I think one of the most difficult aspects of a separation is that when we love someone, REALLY love them. We have a tendency to define our world around them. When they are gone, our world collapses. The foundation upon which everything is built is destroyed. First we have to learn to live again. Then we have to rebuild our world, sometimes completely from the ground up.

The aging process just accelerates and modifies these processes.

How do we build our lives in the first place?

We live in life's fun-house hall of mirrors.

We learn about ourselves when we see ourselves reflected in others. How they see us shows us what we are like. The more consistent the feedback we get from larger numbers of people, the more we integrate those perceptions as part of what we actually are.

We define ourselves by what we do. Who we love. Who knows us. Who loves us. Our position in a group of friends. Our position in the pecking order at work. Our position in our church. The relationships that we share with our neighbors. Even our relationships with our own and our neighbors pets. All of these mirrors help us to see ourselves. We define ourselves by the mirrored reflection of ourselves that we see in others eyes.

In a loving caring community of people, these mirrors can be helpful. Like playing with a chemistry set, we mix our personality with other personalities and create reactions of all different kinds. Some of these reactions we take pleasure in. Some of the reactions are unfavorable.
But we learn from all the experiences equally. This helps shape an image in our minds about who we really are. It helps us to define the difference between ourselves and others. From this we define our personal worlds.

In a fragmented community where people are more self serving than loving, more opportunistic than supportive, or more suspicious than open, the safety net of love is not present. Destruction reigns over Love.
All parties lose.

Then, there are those who, like myself, were born to a crippling shyness which prevented interaction with other people. I did not have the consistency of community reflection. I could not therefore see myself. An incredibly vicious cycle whose teeth tore at me for many long years, and whose scars still cross my heart to this very day. I could not enter into a group of people because I could not face not knowing who those people saw. My desire to be accepted outweighed my need to be seen in any certain way. I integrated too much of what others perceived (incorrectly) about me. As I look back, I begin to see why.


I attended five high schools in four years. I did not feel connected enough to attend high school prom. I was forced by circumstance to learn to survive without a solid self image. I learned instead to become a mirror. My friendships were sparse and often very intense as a result of those friends giving me the love I would normally have received from a larger number of people. These people were incredibly strong in character to reach beyond the silver lining of my highly reflective surface, to reach deeper in......to find me.

Those people literally, saved my life. I will never be able to fully express the depth of my gratitude and love, for all of you. You have been my lovers and my best friends. You have shared what you have seen in me, WITH me, and by your efforts have helped me to finally understand a measure of who I am. You have helped shape me into what I am today.

So now, at the incredible age of 43, (can you say late bloomer anyone?)
I finally can turn from a past where unrelenting pain and sorrow has been my lifelong companion, and look forward. I will look forward through my past until I can get to my present, and then I will look beyond.

I will not fear living a life of solitude any longer. It is time for me to realize that I have “been there, DONE that”. If I wind up living a life of solitude, then that is what I will have, and it will be good. After a very long time of contemplating the whole life thing, all I can say to anyone feeling similarly is this. Maybe I have been looking at this all wrong. Maybe I am not here.....for myself. Maybe I am here for others. From this perspective I can rest assured that my life will have meaning. For as I will raise all those around me who desire to integrate my influence, of my love and support, my life will come to have meaning. My existence will be understandable to me, my passage through this world will come into sharp focus.


I ..........Will ...........Love.


The Spirit and the Will come together.
The Divine enters into equal partnerships, and the trinity becomes A-parent.

I will no longer wait for my love to find me. I will instead love those around me. I will no longer search in vain for my love, for my love has been here all along, waiting, to be expressed. Waiting patiently for me to learn that unconditional love, is just that. Instead of being selective and compartmentalizing my love, I will share it, universally.


So I see that this May Day is more about potential and less about dis-stress. More about acceptance and less about fear. More about hope and less about tears.

Mothers Day

A time to recognize and honor our mothers. A celebration of not just the feminine, but specifically the aspect of feminine nurturance and sacrifice.

Mother’s Day is more than just a moment in time to remember those who have sacrificed of themselves for our benefit. It is a time to recognize the Divine aspect of what a mother really is to us.

“Mother is the name for God from the lips of children.”

This is a quote from the movie “The Crow” as I’m sure you’ll all remember. I think I got it right, but I’m too tired to look it up, but you get the idea.

It made me wonder upon hearing it what that meant that the word “Father”, was supposed to mean. Does that mean that “Father” represents Satan?

(laughing)

From this I went on to think about how “To Mother” isn’t necessarily limited to women.

Strangely, some of the most nurturant people I have ever known, were in fact, men.

So what is it that we celebrate of our mothers on this day?

I submit that what we are really celebrating is our very first relationship.

First contact.

From the moment we were conceived, our mothers were there. They were the first person that we became aware of. They were the liason between the world we do not now remember, and the world where we reside today.

All of us are raised with the unmistakable bias of what our mothers thought. We are an extension of them. Their pain, their pleasure, their hopes and dreams and even their fear.

The intimate bond between our Mothers and ourselves is perhaps the single most significant aspect of the human condition...which we all share regardless of race, religion, nationality, or even our sex. If we are alive, then at one point we had a Mother. A woman who cherished us and didn’t qualify the unconditional love that she gave to us.



We all want our Mothers to be proud of us. We all want her to know that no matter how many years have passed, or how many miles are between us, or even how many disagreements that have ever come between us, that at our deepest core, we want and need their approval and their Love.

Our Mothers don’t make life easy for us. They push us and challenge us to do things that we might never have the courage to try without them firmly behind us. They can drive us to the brink of insanity with their inflexibility and their quirky idiosyncratic personality traits, and yes, sometimes with their pitchfork. They were and are an extension of THEIR Mothers. The Divine nature of our Mothers has been passed down through time and space into the heart and eyes of the woman standing before you. All of her Love, and all of her pain are a part of who she is. Equally, all of her Love and pain is a part of who we are. Sometimes I wonder if all the world might become at peace if we could only erase our mothers pain.

Mothers Day is a day to recognize the beautiful aspect of self sacrifice. For our Mothers have given much in order for us to be.

My Mother is incredible. She has helped fashion me into who I am. She has taught me Love and discipline, self sacrifice and purity. She is the anvil upon which I was forged by the hammer of life. She knows me in ways that I don’t even know myself. She knows my strengths and my weaknesses. She is my author, and I am one of her masterpieces.

I hope that what I give to the world is worthy, of what my mother sacrificed to create me.

I love you mom.

Chiron’

Third Wind

In memory of Reed Murray.

I am finally beginning to grasp the concept that when I, myself, am undergoing terrific movement in my world... that it isn’t just me in that world experiencing movement.

With this in mind I’d like to take a moment, a breather, and pause for a second to encourage everyone that this................all this...............is just a process of falling away and coming to be.

As I continue down my path I am more and more convinced that of the many theories that I’ve had regarding life and existence on this planet, that the one of “EarthSchool” is gaining ground in becoming my foremost opinion.

As I sit here this morning nursing the many aches and pains that my body reports to me, I also become aware that all of these various aches and pains are highly reflective to me in a very physical way of my passage through the experiences of the last week.

Our Corpus boatshow always brings about an opportunity for all of us at the shop to display to ourselves and each other that we can not only function under extreme duress, but that we can do so and still manage to let the best of who we are come out and come forth. I cannot help but find it strangely ironic that the Corpus Christy boatshow is located in a place named after the body of Christ. In the last two years, each time we have had this show I have simultaneously been required by the Universe to release a lot of things that I have been holding on to.

This morning I listen to October Projects “Return to Me” first thing upon waking in the morning with my cup of over-strong starbucks colombian coffee. I like to put Vanilla Caramel “coffee dust” as I call it, in there and what happened originally as an accident has now seemingly become somewhat of a ritual.

I used to listen to this song thinking of my ex, but lately, more and more I realize that it was indicative of the rune representing messages. The reference of “Return to Me” is that of my Higher Self, or maybe even the Divine talking to me trying desperately to get my attention. There is just something about the key of this song. The way it begins with notes stretching forward, but not necessarily up or down. It is music that to me represents a lateral stretch, forward. I can listen to it over and over, and I do.




So now, I listen to the same music with a completely different emphasis.
Now, upon my day off, I follow this simple ritual to call myself back. To consciously bring myself back to center space and to love and encourage myself as well as to acknowledge the dust on me from the path that I travel.

The latest lesson I believe I have been being taught was that of “acceptance”. Last year I lost a great deal of control in my life and became terrified that I could no longer move forward under my own power with any sense of sanity because I couldn’t manage to stay in control of even the smallest aspects of what occurred in my life. I lost people close to me, I lost material possessions and finally, I seemed to lose the need to be at the helm of my life. It was extremely painful and depressing.

Family and friends refused to give up on me and although their methods weren’t always appreciated, they did manage to keep poking me with a stick in one way or another until I began to move again, if for no other reason than out of my own agitated irritation.

I suppose another way of putting it would be that I was a ship on the water running at full speed until I threw a rod. I didn’t just break a drive componet, I torched the entire drive-train. I continued to move forward on the same heading for a while as the inertia of my immense effort finally faded away leaving me motionless in the water, drifting without power or directional control.

I spent a good while motionless, listening to the water lapping up against my ship, just thinking about things. About the time I was ready to abandon ship, something I never expected happened. The soft breath of the wind blew in off the water.

I suppose that is the lesson. It’s fine to go tearing about in my ship under the well developed horsepower of my will, as long as I remain mindful that, on occasion, it’s really best to raise a sail and allow myself to be carried in a direction that I normally wouldn’t have thought to go.

Reed Murray was one of my Warrior Brothers.

In the middle of the insanity that is my life, I took time out to attend a Warrior meeting seemingly against my better judgment as far as spending time away from the itinerary of my lifes various deadlines.

Of the many many men that were at that meeting, I seemed to keep bumping into Reed. I thought it was funny at the time. We were trying to get something organized and because Reed is such a natural leader, I kept asking him questions about what he wanted done here or there.

I had asked him, who was in charge? (so that I could direct my questions to the person who was running the show)

He finally became irritated with me and told me with a loving smile that when I was running the show, I could do things like I wanted to.

Such a strange message to be the last thing he ever said to me.

Reed Murray was killed in a motorcycle accident on Tuesday.

The look in his eyes when he last looked at me will remain with me forever.

Reed Murray was a man of Love.

I aspire to be like you Reed. I thank you for being in my life and sharing your wisdom with me. Thank you for helping teach me the lesson that sometimes, you just have to let go, and that it’s not a bad thing, but just a thing.

Love
Chiron’

Quiet Storm

Clouds scurried across the horizon, twisting and writhing their way across the sky in autumn colors.

The sun, low , a brilliant orange orb. He stared at it, but it wasn’t bright enough to blind him.

The wind idly caressed his body...teasing his emotions. Punctuating his thoughts.

He felt this particular .....moment.

He knew instinctively, that this was a turning point. He felt the universe waiting......

wondering what he would do.

He was at peace.

The flurry of humanity around him receded in his awareness.

A warm feeling surrounded him as he looked off into the sunset.

This was familiar.

He knew this feeling. He’d felt it before. A curious sense of deja’vu.

Someone was here. He could sense their presence.

It was kind. Understanding. Consoling.

As he realized what he was experiencing, a flock of birds took off into the sky before him, as if in answer to his silent query.

He realized there were tears flowing down his cheek. So beautiful, he thought.

Suddenly his body was wracked with emotion. An unexpected sob threatened to break the spell.

It didn’t.

He felt his fear and sorrow melt away as the sun bathed him in orange light.

It was so quiet he felt like he could actually hear the suns movement.


"so you are God", he whispered.


He felt like he had been winked at.

So much was communicated to him in that moment, and yet not a single thought entered his head. He was afraid he would miss it, forget it, not get it.

The presence just brushed his hair lightly, held his heart, and whispered to him.

"I love you."

"I’m here."

"it’s going to be okay"

The feeling trailed away with the last light of the sun as it silently dipped under the horizon.

He felt his consciousness snap back and he thought, "did that really just happen?"

He thought he must be really losing his grasp of reality.

Well, regardless of whether it did or didn’t actually happen, it was beautiful, and it made me feel better, he thought.

He got back into his vehicle and began to get back on the road.

He had loaded some new music on his mp3 player. He hadn’t listened to it yet. Perhaps this was a good time?

He queued up the first song. Jose Gonzales. Curious. He didn’t remember loading any religious music on the player. The song said it was called, "crosses".

He was well on his way now, entering the interstate highway, when the lyrics to the song hit him.



"Don’t you know that I’ll be around to guide you
Through your weakest moments to leave them behind you
Returning nightmares only shadows
We’ll cast some light and you’ll be alright
We’ll cast some light and you’ll be alright for now

Crosses all over, heavy on your shoulders
The sirens inside you waiting to step forward
Disturbing silence darkens you sight
We’ll cast some light and you’ll be alright
We’ll cast some light and you’ll be alright for now

Crosses all over the boulevard
Crosses all over the boulevard
Crosses all over the boulevard
Crosses all over the boulevard

The streets outside your window overflooded
People staring, they know you’ve been broken
Repeatedly reminded by the looks on their faces
Ignore them tonight and you’ll be alright
We’ll cast some light and you’ll be alright"


His mind reeled as he realized what had just happened...and the tears

came again.

and again.

and again.

For the first time in almost a year, he felt genuine hope, and more than a little awe.

It's ..about...Time

(or, incoherent ramblings of a mad scientist)


The sound of a clock ticked loudly in his ears.

He thought about the spaces between the ticks.

It seemed as if a whole universe of life could exist in that short period of time, if only one were moving fast enough. He wondered if the knowledge of the concept of elapsed time was the subconscious programming that we all unconsciously adopt....and by embracing it, seal our own fates to be measured in such a manner. It naturally brings up the question that if we were to outright REJECT the concept of time as being linear and mechanical, would our understanding of what time is be any different?

He knows that there is both fast time, and slow time. That even within the construct which was seemingly unmoved by actual perception, time was yet still elusive and somehow still managed to not allow itself to be pinned down by man.

He thought that maybe time wasn’t in fact just a concept, but rather a force of nature. A physical thing which came in differing relative densities. As we pass through fast time, the day will end with us surprised, still remembering the morning yawns and the confusion about how long it appeared to take an exorbitant amount of time to do the simplest things, like wake up with a cup of coffee.

Yet some of the time, he experienced slow time. No amount of activity, diversion or even sleep would seem to hurry things along.

Perhaps the mechanical time of his clock is actually just a metronome, to standardize the fast and slow time pulses that we all individually experience, and thereby homogenizing the experience of time for everyone?

He pondered the latent anagram of the word time. Emit. Emit what?
Energy? Light? Activity? Life?

Life.

Emitting life. Now that has a nice ring to it. As if our lifeforce were something we came out of the womb with.....bottled up inside of us and we spend it every moment until it is exhausted.

Certainly that is ONE aspect of time, but half of the time we don’t experience time as a commodity which manifests itself to us in surplus.

When was the last time that you heard someone pause, and say, “yes......we have some time”? More often what we all hear is frantic frightened wails of spirits who run across the motion picture of our lives like some cameo appearance of a certain rabbit, lamenting how they haven’t ENOUGH time. Some so agitated that their overloaded schedule has driven them into a sort of almost robotic frenzy as they attempt to do all the things that they would normally do, but in a kinda fast forward way of doing it.

It makes me wonder about the whole time thing. The simple explanation for time and it’s inherent short supply of it relates back to the number of time-consuming things that we feel we must accomplish by a certain deadline. Humanity as a whole has a tendency to attempt to shorten the length of time that these items on our “to-do list” require of us. But the odd solution may in fact be the best one. Instead of attempting to increase the physical speed of our bodies and running willy-nilly trying to do everything faster, maybe what is called for instead is to simply increase the speed of our own internal frequency?

As we raise our level of awareness we become more sensitized to how we think, and also, what...we think. As we become more aware of our own thought processes, we may also become aware of how much time we spend on redundancy. (How many times must we repeat a certain scenario in our head before we accept that what we have constructed as a representative model is something that we accept as a truth)

What if we could increase the effenciency of our thought processes to the point where we gain time by reducing the mental crosstalk which otherwise blocks or disrupts positive action in a given amount of time?

This seems to make sense, however, it implies that the way to move faster through time is to increase our mental speed, and slow our physical speed. This in and of it itself is an entirely OTHER can of worms.

There are two aspects of time. One, the aspect of time which is measured or experienced by the spirit of a body, the other, the aspect of the physical body itself.

This would support the idea that the most basic aspect of time in terms of the experience OF time by a physical being, would be the speed at which our bodies extract energy from a protein source and exchange waste in the process of chemically processing energy sources. This aspect of time appears to be somewhat fixed. (other than the slight variation we can achieve by raising our metabolism)

The Spirit however is not limited to such time constraints. Our spirit is energy, and of course the next logical question is, does our spirit have the ability to keep itself energized without the aspects of energy that the physical body transfers to it? If we believe that a spirit moves on and leaves the physical body behind when the body expires, then we must postulate that the energy developed by the body winds up being merely FOR the body and not the spirit. This suggests that although it may be possible for the spirit of our body's to manipulate time, that our bodies may only experience time in a fixed linear way.

This theory sets a foundation for the understanding of how a spiritual experience may occur in a “different time zone” than what the body experiences.

And that’s just a little bit .....about time.

Happy Anniversary ...

To me! Whoo hoo!

April 2008 marks my being a part of the Austin Warrior community for a year now.

It's been a very tough topsy-turvy freak the hell OUT kinda year, but thanks to the love and support of my fellow Warrior Brothers, it was nothing I couldn't handle.

My deepest thanks and gratitude to the men who reached out a hand to me and invited me into their clan. It has been an honor to be included in a group of men who are dedicated to reaching out in assistance to other men.

As we continue forward in bringing together our dream of the Austin Warrior Training Center, I just wanted to honor you all for the time, energy and LOVE that you have shown me over the last year.

In the coming year, I will continue to work on myself and assist others in ...

"Holding space for the next man"

Ferocious Feline

Ham-let

This is something I wrote with the release of Gibsons remake of Hamlet. Enjoy.



HAMLET


SHAKESPEARES SPIRIT DOTH ROLL IN IT’S GRAVE
AS CLOSE TO GIBSON AS A PRATTLEING KNAVE
GOD KNOWS WHAT HE MEANT WHEN HE WROTE THE PLAY
OH HAMLET , DEAR HAMLET, WHAT DECISION HAVE YOU MADE?
IS IT BETTER TO PLAY DUMB, AND TURN THE OTHER CHEEK?
OR WILL ZEUS & APOLLO FIND YOU A BIT TOO MEEK?
IS IT BETTER TO MAKE THE BEST OF THE DEAL
AND WASH CLAUDS BRIGHT SCARLET FROM YOUR SHINING STEEL?
YOU THINK OF THE WAY, YOU SHOULD BEHAVE
BASED ON THREADBARE CUSTOMS, OR SHOULD YOU SAVE
YOUR SOUL IN FORGIVENESS, MAY DAD FIGURE HIS PEACE
THE KINGS TORMENT OVER YEARS YOU COULD KEEP
BUT AS IT WAS WRITTEN YOU DIE IN YOUR SLEEP
NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE CHANCE OF DEFEAT
THUS JOINING YOUR FATHER IN ETERNAL TORMENT
YOU THRICE LET HIM DOWN NO CHILDREN TO CARRY ON
NO HEIR TO THE THRONE AND YOUR MOTHER IS GONE
AT THE RISK OF APPEARING QUITE RUTHLESS AND MEAN
I MENTION YOUR LOVE THAT YOU KILLED FOR A SCREAM
DIDN’T YOU CARE ENOUGH FOR HER TO GIVE HER A WINK
FOR THE NEXT TIME YOU SAW HER, WAS FACE-DOWN, IN THE DRINK?
AND WHAT OF HER BROTHER, SO YOUNG AND NAIVE
THE KING PICKED HIM WELL FOR HIS NEXT EVIL DEED.
ARE YOU SURE OH HAMLET IN BRIGHT SHINING LIGHT
THAT YOU DID HIM NO WRONG IN ACCEPTING THE FIGHT?
HAMLET OH HAMLET SO FULL OF THYSELF
DID YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN WHEN THY POKED IN THY SNOUT?

Dog

AM I CAPTAIN OR AM I GRUNT
SPIRIT TO GUIDE ME, OR WILL I PUNT
THE BALL IN THE DIRECTION, THAT I AM TOLD
AND WHEN I KICK IT, WILL I BE GOLD
TO THE MAN, WHOMEVER, IT MAY BE,
WHO DRAGS MY LEASH WHEN I NEED TO PEE?

I AM A DOG FOR ALL SEASONS
I’M TAUGHT TO SIT, I’M TAUGHT TO BARK
I’M TAUGHT TO USE CAUTION, WHEN LEAVING MY MARK
I’M TOLD TO FOLLOW ALL OF THE RULES
AND WITHIN THE BOUNDRIES, I’M FREE TO CHOOSE
MY FATE
MUSTN’T PROCRASTINATE
IF I DO IT WILL BE TOO LATE
AND THEN I WON’T BE ABLE TO HAVE ANY CAKE
UNLESS I’M AN OFFICIAL ON THE TAKE
BETTER TO JUST SET THE DATE
CHASE $MONEY AND LEAVE DREAMS TO FADE
‘CAUSE MONEY IS SOMETHING GOOD TO YOU
AND DREAMS ARE JUST A PILE OF GOO.


IS LIFE AT WORK SOMETHING YOU HATE
OR CAN YOU WORK AND CONSIDER IT GREAT?
ALL I KNOW IS IN ORDER TO HAVE TIME
YOU MUST GIVE UP FORTUNE AND LIVE ON A DIME
AND IF PERCHANCE ITS MONEY YOUR NEEDEN’
THEN GIVE ALL YOUR TIME AND FORGET ABOUT FREEDOM.


Chiron’
Bad Labs©1992

Secret Agent's Dilemma

Doing the right thing.

Believe it or not...

human beings tend to always want to do the right thing. Usually, they do, too. It only becomes more difficult to make the correct choices, when those choices are counterbalanced by personal interest, or muddied by the confusion of trying to make choices for someone else’s “best interest”.

Once we allow ourselves to succumb to the temptation of making choices for someone else, even if it appears to be in their “best interest”, we are effectively eliminating that persons free will. If we take action to block someone’s free will, or through inaction, allow someone else’s free will to be lost, what would we really be doing? Can we honestly say that taking free will from another human being is the right thing to do? Sometimes the universe teaches us lessons in reverse. I’m referring to hardship. Doesn’t it follow then, that if a circumstance appears dire and we believe that someone is making the wrong choices, that to step in and make decisions that block or disallow that individuals free will is the wrong thing to do?

Beyond the consequence of obvious manipulation of the circumstance surrounding another human being, the REAL issue here is that in participating in such an event, we are basically displaying a lack of faith in the universe, or the Divine. We would be telling the Divine, “no, it’s okay God, I’ve got this one. I know what’s best for someone else, even more than you do.”

It is a curious question to think about. The evaluation of such a circumstance becomes further complicated by still other, even bigger questions.

When do I know the difference between feeling called to act, or participate in a particular situation, verses knowing when I should stand back and have faith that I am NOT intended to change the dynamic of a situation by my stepping in?

When do I do the “right thing” in the name of the Divine, and when do I simply leave a situation alone, and simply trust that if a situation exists, that it must exist for a reason that is unfathomable to me and that it is the intention of the Divine that the situation occurs at all?


Sometimes people make hard lessons. Sometimes it seems the Divine makes hard lessons.


I don’t know the answer to this question. It is a question I ask myself many times in the course of a month. For now, I have decided to use what my heart tells me to do. I believe if I keep my heart tuned into the right place, then it will guide me appropriately. Having said that, I prefer to let all Spirits KEEP their free will. I will find other means of nudging them back on the path if I am called to do so. I figure, that if I “head someone off at the pass” and make decisions that affect someone else without their participation, then I would effectively be a “highway robber” and I would prevent that Spirit from learning what they would normally learn if they choose a path I do not recommend. In the “spirit” of that quandary, I raise awareness of the crossroads, and leave you to choose your own path.

Marathon

The Kite Festival


Well, all week long I’ve been feeling anxious and tense without knowing what was going on.

This morning, I woke up and finally it hit me like an avalanche of pain.

Today is the Kite Festival.

For me, it’s an anniversary of sorts. Something that I really loved that I shared with someone I really loved. Someone who didn’t love me back.
I would love to be able to go, but I can’t. It’s still too painful. It’s incredible how something so innocuous can sneak up on me and just totally wipe me out with emotion.

I have been doing so much better lately, and now I feel like I have to start all over again. At times like this it feels like I will never escape this pain. Maybe the feeling will pass.


The magnitude of emotion that I am experiencing is really unbelievable. So powerful as to be able to seemingly wipe out all the sense of progress that I have made. It is able to minimize all of my accomplishments while maximizing my sense of futility, loss.


Lately it feels like my heart has been going through an obstacle course, and it hasn’t been doing very well. My tears blind me to what is up ahead. True to my nature, whether I clear the hurdles or not I keep going. It’s the only thing that I really know. . To just keep going. Like the stitch of pain in the side of a runner, the pain and emotion tries to disable me. Just keep going. Ignore the bloodcurdling screams of pain from within. Just keep going. Ignore the feelings of weak exhaustion and hopelessness. Just keep going. I have no understanding of where my destination lies, or why I find myself in this race. Just keep going. Eventually the pain and the run become one. Just keep going. Just keep going. Just keep going.

“Don’t Stop.”

Idle Thoughts...

Am I the only one who is getting more than a little pissed off about local government and their apparent lack of ability to prioritize and deal with the issue of high priced transportation?

The Government is seriously putting it TO us. Look at this.

Back in the day when gasoline was sub $2 a gallon it might have made a certain degree of sense to NOT deal with the issues of traffic, traffic flow, speed limits etc. However, NOW....it’s a different story.

The longer we wait to make this a red alert priority the more ALL of us will suffer.

I find it amazing that we have such a ridiculous situation as watching everyone completely freak out regarding the cost of fuel, yet, the number of tanks on the road has NOT significantly changed.

There was a time when drive through service was viable. At this point, I’m not sure we are doing ANYONE any favors by making window service at a drive-through available for any business that makes customers wait for longer than five minutes. Everywhere you look we have people waiting in a line of cars pumping exhaust into our fair city while accomplishing absolutely nothing. The streetlight situation is obscene. It didn’t really matter much in the past, what with 50% less cars on the road and fuel that was 50% the expense that it is today. But it certainly makes a difference now. Now, not only do we have more than twice as many cars on the road, idling in traffic at unnecessary stoplights, stuck in drive-throughs which are overloaded and take forever to get through, but also there is the flip-side of the argument. Once we actually get these vehicles packed onto the highway, and when traffic ISN”T at a dead standstill, why do we have speed limits which absolutely clog the highways ability to evacuate the traffic OUT of the area in a timely manner?

Am I the only one who sees that this is completely insane?

The solution.

Highways need traffic flow indicators spaced every so often which allow drivers to have advance warning of traffic conditions ahead. Speed limits need to be raised to 70m.p.h. in city limits and 80m.p.h. on the highway out of city limits. The law allowing people to pass on the right hand side of the road needs to be revoked. All passing should occur on the left hand side. The extreme right hand lane off an access road needs to have a speed limit which is low enough for people to actually have the ability to turn OFF and Get ON to it. Traffic lights THROUGHOUT the city need to me much more closely monitored for waste. They need to be synchronized and built with late night mode switching etc.

Folks, the more we bring traffic to a dead stop and having it sitting there, WAITING to move....the more unnecessary pollution we are pumping into the air in our fair city. The LONGER a trip takes to get from point a to point b, the more fuel we will expend, the more pollution we will create, the more stress we will place on our citizens tempers, wallets and their bodies. At a very basic level, this is bad for everything. Bad for business, bad for health, bad for creating unnecessary road rage, bad for creating excess pollution. Bad for making a trip across town cost a citizen much more than it has to.

We cannot do much about the explosive growth which has increased the number of cars on the roads, nor can we do much regarding the out of control inflation of the price of fuel. But what we, the citizens of this fine city CAN DO..........is make sure that when someone turns the key, that we aren’t flagrantly adding unnecessary pollution, frustration, and heat to our home here.

We do this by getting serious about dealing with the WAY we manage traffic on the roads. Keep vehicles moving....until they get to their destinations, and keep them moving to their destinations as fast as we can safely manage. Prevent.........cars from lining up on the highway to sit still and burn TONS of fuel while simultaneously producing TONS of pollution.

This isn’t something we need to talk about and kick around for a while.

This is something we need to deal with TODAY.

Staring into the Abyss...

All this time I have been desirous of being able to take the time to just stop.

To reflect, and ponder the state of my affairs, to stop and check for my position on the map and ensure I am still on my intended path or find out that I have wandered into the rough.

I had a curious twist of insight, when I realized that in my ulitmate frustration of not being able to get anything done, that no matter what my intention I wound up each time I had an opportunity to sit still......that sitting still has been just about ALL that I could accomplish. The frustrations mounted continuously until, poised at the brink of an incredible silent scream, I realized........that maybe sitting still is what I am being directed to do. That Spirit has stopped me dead in my tracks with neck problems for....a reason.

Funny how I wasn’t able to manage to put together into my head the curious synchronicity of having an overwhelming DESIRE to sit still and do nothing with the overwhelming physical circumstance of not being ABLE to do anything more than sitting still. Yet still, I fought it. I am conditioned by this world to believe that because it is my nature to be still and reflect that this is a bad thing. I have been conditioned by the necessity of playing catch-up all the time to experience extreme guilt or anxiety if I am not constantly using the free time I have to attempt to gain ground in regard to my to-do list.

But is that really it? Not just for me, I mean, but for all of us?

Could it be that the reason we have difficulty sitting still anymore is because we have difficulty dealing with our lack of purpose when no task defines us with it’s necessity?

Could it be?

To be able to sit still. To be able to acknowledge self in the silence of stillness is to not use the denial of the mundane to shy away from the issue that we all must....inevitably.....face.

What purpose do I serve? Why am I here? What the HELL is this all about?





Corny as it may sound, I’ve always believed that I was here to do one thing. I’ve always believed I was here for the primary purpose of giving love to everyone. Ok, there is that, but the primary reason I am here is to teach a little bit. Yet the primary reason I am here is to consume mass quantities of fresh pizza. Yup, that and the primary reason that I am here is to be the consumer of fine chocolate. That is, when I’m not doing my primary purpose of drinking only the best coffee. I try to work that in when I’m not doing my primary work, bringing hope and a smile to those who need it. But it’s not all sweetness and light you know, sometimes I have the unpleasant duty of my primary purpose, witch is to teach through adversity. To bring about the circumstances witch will enable a spirit to burn away all of it’s impurities, so that it may recognize it’s own divine reflection. However, my primary purpose here is to be a lover of women.
That is, until I have to fulfill my primary purpose of living by example. Then there’s that other thing, my primary purpose, which is to teach each and every human being I meet, of how incredibly special, and beautiful they are, which is usually a very difficult task because they have been taught otherwise. Sometimes, I am called on to engage in my primary purpose, which is to challenge belief structures and show that everything is all part of the same ...pie.

I guess until I am called upon for my primary purpose, I’ll just sit here a while and stare into the abyss.

My Watch has no second hand...

I was feeling detached. 2007’s holiday season had ended. Strange feelings of disorientation wash over me. Curious feelings of connection to a higher power flicker just out of the range of my radar, flickering and indistinct. One second there is something there; the next minute there is nothing. The ambiguity of my sense impressions, maddening.

One minute I feel like I am wasting time. Hours pass, the waves of emotion relentlessly crashing against the rocks of my sanity. The sand that I stand upon erodes beneath my feet as each new wave crashes into my world.

The next minute I become aware of some type of progress, as deep levels of my consciousness shift and move. New experiences and information being integrated into all that I am. At this point I feel like I am NOT wasting time. There is purpose. There is intent. There is structure, and therefore, reason.

I feel at a loss, to realize that I cannot control how fast I can collect and sift through all the data that is my world. I become excruciatingly aware that each second of the process is one more second of the time that I have on this earth to live, seemingly, lost.

I have great fear, that the time I spend in contemplation may be time wasted. Yet I am also aware that without some sense of understanding, the whole of my passage through this plane of existence becomes meaningless and therefore irrelevant.

I examine where it is that my time is spent.

It’s as if there is a constant power struggle going on between my spirit and the will of my body. Some of the time it feels as though my spirit is a prisoner to this body. It seems as if my spirit and my body are at odds with each other in competition for my attention. My spirit has it’s own agenda. It wants to explore, collect new information and experiences, soak up life like a sponge and then evaluate it, savor it. Contemplate it. My body on the other hand, demands that I do certain things to maintain it. Its’ demands are constant and time consuming. They often really annoy me.

First it wants to eat, and then it wants physical maintenance, cleaning, oiling, trimming, moisturizing, then styling and accessorizing. Then it wants to sleep. Demand demand demand. Sometimes I feel like looking this body straight in the eye and screaming at it, what about MY needs? If all that I am truly IS spirit, and this body is just the car that I drive to carry me around, the “spacesuit” that I must live in, in order to exist in this dimension, then I personally find it extremely inconvenient that I must spend so much time trying to do what is necessary to maintain this body. Often times it feels like my entire life is nothing more than a series of routines, which ultimately lead back to fulfilling my body’s constant demands. I am aware of this because of the experience I have had when I DON”T pay attention to maintaining this body and the subsequent pain and suffering that occurs from that negligence. I have learned from that experience who is really in charge here. So, sometimes it appears to me that I am nothing but a slave to the endless requirements of maintaining this body. Sometimes it’s just a damn pain in the ass.

I realize also, though, that it is my privilege to have this experience, in this plane of existence, here on this planet. That regardless of the fact that my body isn’t as expressive as I wish that it were, isn’t as tough as I wish that it was, isn’t as pleasing as I would like,
that it doesn’t matter. It is all that I have. I suppose there wouldn’t have been the internal arguments between my spirit and the will of my body if I were not already acutely aware of the fact my body is only temporary, a bit of knowledge that my body will forever be jealous of my spirit over. So the solution appears to be that we are going to have to compromise. I must balance the desires of my spirit and the will of my body. I will love it, despite its shortcomings, and interpret its demands for what they really are, an expression of a desire to be accepted and loved and paid attention to.

Because after all…these are the demands of all the bodies out there.