Afraid of love.
Flashes…
of moments past.
Mental visual movie clips in my scrapbook of confused emotion, flicker, in front of my minds’ eye.
Simple exhaustion finally overcomes the defensive fear that has stood guard over a mending heart for years with the cold efficiency of an angry protective wolf.
Clenched knuckles, cold and white, from holding on too tight for too long, lose their grip and finally………release.
To my astounded confusion, I do not fall.
My world doesn’t fly apart.
The memories are powerful, the strength of their current, still, easily emotionally overwhelming.
But the concrete resolve of my new foundation…holds.
The fear that has kept me safe, sleeps soundly in my lap.
My hands and my heart begin to warm, as blood finally begins to return to them.
I choose a path, tentatively, stepping out into the world, determined…
Not to be afraid to love.
Chiron'
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Halloween's a Comin'!
Halloween's a comin'!
It's a time when the veil between the worlds grows the thinnest.
A time when dimensions merge.
A time when all that frightens you the most, comes.....unbeckoned.
A time when the dead remind us to cling tightly to our lives,
(no matter how bad they may seem)
for they will gladly exchange places with us...and remind us
to dare....to dream.
It's a time when the veil between the worlds grows the thinnest.
A time when dimensions merge.
A time when all that frightens you the most, comes.....unbeckoned.
A time when the dead remind us to cling tightly to our lives,
(no matter how bad they may seem)
for they will gladly exchange places with us...and remind us
to dare....to dream.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Hoist the Main Sail!
I don't know about the rest of you, but I feel like I have just been BLASTED through the last few months as if I were on a rail-car...reaching incredibly new levels of acceleration as I blaze through this portion of my life. Remarkably, I have a few minutes to catch my breath, but the onset of the phenomenon was so wholly unexpected as to leave me looking over my shoulder even during this apparent "rest period". I haven't managed to write too much, but I have managed to resurrect some of the old files from the previous batch, which will be forthcoming. Meanwhile I have picked up and reconnected with family members, old friends, undertaken more tasks, more responsibility (you'd think I'd learn) and positioned myself to spread myself even thinner than before! (Not to worry, I won't do it!) The theme of the day (other than Halloween is COMIN'!) is one of "simplify or DIE!". As I continue to whittle away the extraneous from what matters in my life I become slowly more empowered by what is left remaining. It is a constant struggle to make ends meet of course, and because I wasn't quite fully overloaded yet, I decided to REALLY push my skills and get a sailboat! LOL! (I really LOVE it but it hasn't seen the water yet) I have come to realize that in life there is a whole OTHER thing that we all have to do. Not ONLY do we need to manage what we already have ON our plate, but we are required to also plan a forward destination complete with an intersecting path TO that destination if we are to be successful in keeping ourselves happy. To that end I am making ready for next spring/summer now. (of course I must also make ready as best as I can for this immediate holiday season which now looms in the ever present)
So, I'm still trying to find a new home for my old truck, still hope to repair my cruiser, and have now added a 14' hobi-cat to the mix. I still haven't spent any serious time in the pursuit of love, but hopefully, my vacation from that whole thing will yield new perspective and perhaps options very soon. People, you can wear yourself out trying to find love. Sometimes it's just best to give it a rest.
(especially when you consider that the only time you can really improve yourself is outside of a relationship. It's just so much faster to work an internal change when you don't have to overcome external resistance to it in the form of a questioning partner)
So: to quickly recap: 1) I'm reducing. 2) I'm organizing. 3) I'm working on physical health. 4) I'm rebuilding, restructuring. 5) I'm making a plan for everything to reintegrate. 6) I'm attempting to plan for the future.
Change is in the wind people. Hoist the main sail and let it move you!
So, I'm still trying to find a new home for my old truck, still hope to repair my cruiser, and have now added a 14' hobi-cat to the mix. I still haven't spent any serious time in the pursuit of love, but hopefully, my vacation from that whole thing will yield new perspective and perhaps options very soon. People, you can wear yourself out trying to find love. Sometimes it's just best to give it a rest.
(especially when you consider that the only time you can really improve yourself is outside of a relationship. It's just so much faster to work an internal change when you don't have to overcome external resistance to it in the form of a questioning partner)
So: to quickly recap: 1) I'm reducing. 2) I'm organizing. 3) I'm working on physical health. 4) I'm rebuilding, restructuring. 5) I'm making a plan for everything to reintegrate. 6) I'm attempting to plan for the future.
Change is in the wind people. Hoist the main sail and let it move you!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Saluting a Warrior
Memories of Honor and Pain, Glory and Sacrifice. I Salute you and Thank you Gentlemen for what you have done. The quiet grace with which you wear your Honor is an inspiration. Thank you Capt. Huntley for bringing my papa back home.
http://www.pressdemocrat.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090806/ARTICLES/908069902/1350
http://www.pressdemocrat.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090806/ARTICLES/908069902/1350
Friday, May 22, 2009
What are the chances?
If you've been wondering what happened with my blog, well here is a short explanation.
I've been playing with computers for a very long time. I have to say that it's pretty amazing to have the degree of "misfortune" as I appear to be having with computers lately. In 18 years I have never experienced so much concurrent adversity in such a small window of time.
I have had MASS data loss, virus contamination, hardware failure, software failure etc ad nauseum for about the last three months. I have lost files I have saved since 1996. All fairly astounding seeing as I run a system that I designed to protect against this very sort of thing from happening. I have lost hardware. Each time the failure threat was averted, with damage and data loss until a misshap and the subsequent loss of the second to the last machines motherboard halted everything. I am now down to a single machine from four, and the surviving machine lost 500g worth of data, with what was archived having lost it's organization.
I guess it's just another one of those "unexplainable mysteries" which my cup appears to be running over the top with.
In any case, I had no less than 71 open pieces of writing slated to come to this blog which have been (apparently) lost. It remains to be seen whether I can recover them. It is a shame because some may have had some real promise as teaching pieces.
As of the moment, they are gone.
I wonder how it is that I can go 18 years without something like this happening, and then to experience all of this in just a few short months. Yep, just a complete mystery.
SO: For the moment, my writing is on hold. I need to sort what's left of my computers out, salvage what I can, regroup and start over. Of course first I have to figure out what I'm going to do about my car which was nearly destroyed by the hail. Then there is the.....the list continues to depression. I won't give up though. Those of you who know me, know I'm way too hardheaded for that. (and no, I haven't yet reached for the dreaded black wand encased in the "break glass in case of dire need of extreme payback" lol!) I have my integrity. I have my resolve. I am running a little low on patience, but we'll make due.
I will continue to blip dj, twitter and I will drop short pieces when I can until such time as I can get everything sorted back out, but I just wanted to thank those of you who have shown me love and support as I attempted to write.
Love Chiron'
I've been playing with computers for a very long time. I have to say that it's pretty amazing to have the degree of "misfortune" as I appear to be having with computers lately. In 18 years I have never experienced so much concurrent adversity in such a small window of time.
I have had MASS data loss, virus contamination, hardware failure, software failure etc ad nauseum for about the last three months. I have lost files I have saved since 1996. All fairly astounding seeing as I run a system that I designed to protect against this very sort of thing from happening. I have lost hardware. Each time the failure threat was averted, with damage and data loss until a misshap and the subsequent loss of the second to the last machines motherboard halted everything. I am now down to a single machine from four, and the surviving machine lost 500g worth of data, with what was archived having lost it's organization.
I guess it's just another one of those "unexplainable mysteries" which my cup appears to be running over the top with.
In any case, I had no less than 71 open pieces of writing slated to come to this blog which have been (apparently) lost. It remains to be seen whether I can recover them. It is a shame because some may have had some real promise as teaching pieces.
As of the moment, they are gone.
I wonder how it is that I can go 18 years without something like this happening, and then to experience all of this in just a few short months. Yep, just a complete mystery.
SO: For the moment, my writing is on hold. I need to sort what's left of my computers out, salvage what I can, regroup and start over. Of course first I have to figure out what I'm going to do about my car which was nearly destroyed by the hail. Then there is the.....the list continues to depression. I won't give up though. Those of you who know me, know I'm way too hardheaded for that. (and no, I haven't yet reached for the dreaded black wand encased in the "break glass in case of dire need of extreme payback" lol!) I have my integrity. I have my resolve. I am running a little low on patience, but we'll make due.
I will continue to blip dj, twitter and I will drop short pieces when I can until such time as I can get everything sorted back out, but I just wanted to thank those of you who have shown me love and support as I attempted to write.
Love Chiron'
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Tick Tock....tick tock
Lately, things have been a little more stressed than normal. I feel the whole world is winding up like a clock spring as the collectives stress is going up up up and away. Maybe it's all in my head, but I seriously doubt it. One look at the news confirms that this isn't something that is all in my head.
I was working late this weekend when I met a sweet woman who is a security guard. She took me by surprise really, as I spend so much time alone in my work that I find I sometimes forget my voice. I know that sounds strange, but believe me, not as strange as it feels to have someone talk to you and find yourself waiting for your brain to “boot” the language program (LOL!) I found myself thinking, about her and wondering what a nice young lady such as that was doing spending her time working alone on a weekend. Then I imagined her significant other or her children who must be depending on her. I do my best to ignore my own sense of isolation working alone and late at night, but somehow it hurt me seeing hers. It started me thinking and between some of the conversations I've been having on line and off I have come to get an interesting picture of how we can all become trapped in our perceptions of the world. I have discovered that my own perceptions of the world have been both accurate and skewed.
I have never been a big crowds kind of person and I am completely fascinated by how human beings all come together to do the Saturday night party thing with the disco lights and mass numbers of people all together and so forth. I guess that's where the animal side of me comes forth and is more dominant. As much as I would enjoy being a part of that experience, it's all just too noisy, too much commotion, too much...._______ whatever. I have struggled for years to overcome what I thought was shyness or a social anxiety disorder. Suddenly it occurs to me that maybe, it's nothing of the sort. Maybe I just don't LIKE all that racket. (shrug) But I'm drifting off topic here.
The point is, that having always been on the outside of things in this particular issue, I had formed opinions on what it was that I was missing. I had developed opinions about what those experiences were all about and then found reasons as to why I didn't want to participate in those activities. But something changed in me last night. Celestial or attitudinal I cannot say, but somehow I was granted a peek into another universe. Somehow it all started from seeing this woman.
It was very strange. Everything from the radio station I normally listen to during work hours playing a whole other sound to the clubs I heard booming down the lake with the sounds of their gleeful celebratory thumping. I felt like I was walking through territory so unfamiliar as to just as likely have been walking on the moon. Then I began to think about how everyone is so stressed out now-days.
It seems like the pressure on us to relax and enjoy ourselves when the time finally comes around at the end of the week for us to do so is building to the point where even the act of doing so has become stressful. The result is a human population who is almost FRANTIC in their desire to get some relief during the downtime. (all the while keeping an eye on that clock ever conscious of it's steady tick-tock towards the end of the rest period.)
Folks. We just REALLY need to chill the hell OUT. This isn't right. We shouldn't GET this wound up, and if we are, what does that say about our way of life? So we don't make the profit we were hoping for....who cares? Humanity needs to apply the brakes here or we are all going to run off of the proverbial road. Maybe we have already.
So the next thing to happen is that today I lay down for a nap, and I have this incredible dream. I dream I am under the supervision of someone who is watching over me. Someone who, at a moments notice pulled me up from out of my regular world and put me into a new one. I awoke in a new space, which was so drastically different from where I live as to be in another alien landscape. My benefactor had somehow while I was passed out fixed both my eyes and my teeth. The familiar pain that I live with daily was miraculously gone, leaving me so disoriented as to make me want to walk closely to walls and hold on to items when I moved. Somehow, I was being given a second chance to live a different life. One where I didn't have to worry about money. Health care. Security. One without pain or fear. One where I could just be myself without fear of being judged or limited. One where the people in the world celebrated me for being who and what I am. In short, A world without pain. At this point I began to panic, (obviously, because a world without pain in my knowledge pretty much means that I was dead or dying, and every instinct I had was to fight this) and I awoke in a sweat. (and promptly spit out another piece of one of my teeth. I must have ground my teeth in my sleep from the anxiety). I would lament this to a great degree except that the constant setbacks and disappointments in my life have become so commonplace as to no longer illicit any overt reaction from me. I'm alive and functioning and that is what counts. But the dream haunts me, and the feelings it evoked in me are unlikely to fade like the dream has.
I was working late this weekend when I met a sweet woman who is a security guard. She took me by surprise really, as I spend so much time alone in my work that I find I sometimes forget my voice. I know that sounds strange, but believe me, not as strange as it feels to have someone talk to you and find yourself waiting for your brain to “boot” the language program (LOL!) I found myself thinking, about her and wondering what a nice young lady such as that was doing spending her time working alone on a weekend. Then I imagined her significant other or her children who must be depending on her. I do my best to ignore my own sense of isolation working alone and late at night, but somehow it hurt me seeing hers. It started me thinking and between some of the conversations I've been having on line and off I have come to get an interesting picture of how we can all become trapped in our perceptions of the world. I have discovered that my own perceptions of the world have been both accurate and skewed.
I have never been a big crowds kind of person and I am completely fascinated by how human beings all come together to do the Saturday night party thing with the disco lights and mass numbers of people all together and so forth. I guess that's where the animal side of me comes forth and is more dominant. As much as I would enjoy being a part of that experience, it's all just too noisy, too much commotion, too much...._______ whatever. I have struggled for years to overcome what I thought was shyness or a social anxiety disorder. Suddenly it occurs to me that maybe, it's nothing of the sort. Maybe I just don't LIKE all that racket. (shrug) But I'm drifting off topic here.
The point is, that having always been on the outside of things in this particular issue, I had formed opinions on what it was that I was missing. I had developed opinions about what those experiences were all about and then found reasons as to why I didn't want to participate in those activities. But something changed in me last night. Celestial or attitudinal I cannot say, but somehow I was granted a peek into another universe. Somehow it all started from seeing this woman.
It was very strange. Everything from the radio station I normally listen to during work hours playing a whole other sound to the clubs I heard booming down the lake with the sounds of their gleeful celebratory thumping. I felt like I was walking through territory so unfamiliar as to just as likely have been walking on the moon. Then I began to think about how everyone is so stressed out now-days.
It seems like the pressure on us to relax and enjoy ourselves when the time finally comes around at the end of the week for us to do so is building to the point where even the act of doing so has become stressful. The result is a human population who is almost FRANTIC in their desire to get some relief during the downtime. (all the while keeping an eye on that clock ever conscious of it's steady tick-tock towards the end of the rest period.)
Folks. We just REALLY need to chill the hell OUT. This isn't right. We shouldn't GET this wound up, and if we are, what does that say about our way of life? So we don't make the profit we were hoping for....who cares? Humanity needs to apply the brakes here or we are all going to run off of the proverbial road. Maybe we have already.
So the next thing to happen is that today I lay down for a nap, and I have this incredible dream. I dream I am under the supervision of someone who is watching over me. Someone who, at a moments notice pulled me up from out of my regular world and put me into a new one. I awoke in a new space, which was so drastically different from where I live as to be in another alien landscape. My benefactor had somehow while I was passed out fixed both my eyes and my teeth. The familiar pain that I live with daily was miraculously gone, leaving me so disoriented as to make me want to walk closely to walls and hold on to items when I moved. Somehow, I was being given a second chance to live a different life. One where I didn't have to worry about money. Health care. Security. One without pain or fear. One where I could just be myself without fear of being judged or limited. One where the people in the world celebrated me for being who and what I am. In short, A world without pain. At this point I began to panic, (obviously, because a world without pain in my knowledge pretty much means that I was dead or dying, and every instinct I had was to fight this) and I awoke in a sweat. (and promptly spit out another piece of one of my teeth. I must have ground my teeth in my sleep from the anxiety). I would lament this to a great degree except that the constant setbacks and disappointments in my life have become so commonplace as to no longer illicit any overt reaction from me. I'm alive and functioning and that is what counts. But the dream haunts me, and the feelings it evoked in me are unlikely to fade like the dream has.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Renewal and rebirth on Easter 2009
NEW.
Improved.
Re-Dedicated.
Re-Suscitated
Creatures of wild imagination.
Creatures with Awe-inspiring Dreams.
This is who we are.
Our imagination is both our advantage and our liability. It is the powerful force within us which has the ability to fuel an incomprehensible human drive toward extremes. Our imagination pushed us to place one of us on the MOON. Let's just stop and consider that for a moment.
If we ever...........EVER..........needed to proof to ourselves of what we are capable of: what our imagination has the power to drive us towards, that incredible piece of mankind's history should serve to make sure we NEVER FORGET.
WE CAN DO IT.....................................TOGETHER.
The American people were the tribe who made the finish, but it was the WORLD which pushed them up on their competitive shoulders to inspire them to push harder and faster to the point where they got it done. Without the spirit of competition from the rest of the world, it wouldn't have happened.
Knowing this, each and every one of us can take our own share of pride in knowing that it wasn't exclusively an American who landed on the Moon, it was a member of the Human Race.
It is from this perspective that we must all begin to think. The world is no longer such a big big place. I myself, as most of you, have undreamed of superpowers. I can send a message around the world with a single click of a button from my little electronic device. A device born of the labors of thousands of human beings living in places all over this world. The debt of my gratitude can not seemingly ever be repaid to the people working late in their cubicle sorting out chip designs or to the people putting in that extra hour late at night past quitting time who fabricated my particular little device. The seemingly unconscious and unacknowledged effort of humanity to pull off these miracles is so common as to be something that we all just expect, anymore.
But we cannot think that way any longer. Mother Earth is paying a heavy toll for our dreams, and it's time that we include her needs in our process. Many human beings are also paying the price for the synthesis of what we take for granted. Their health and welfare also, need to become something that is considered. In short, we can no longer look upon the single lives of the spirits who drive our world with an attitude of irreverence, neglect, or lack of respect. To do so, would be to drive a bulldozer at full speed into one of the pillars which is the foundation upon what our world is created upon.
If we are to actually BE, what we purport to BE, we must instead learn to fashion our business models in such a way as to have RESPECT for life. ALL life. We have progressed as far as we can feasibly go using the mentality of “do unto others and split”. The evidence of the cancer to our world from this unconsciously adopted philosophy is poisoning our water, raining debris from the sky and changing the daily weather into some sort of psychotic musical chairs game.
The time of nationalism and divisive activity is past. We simply cannot afford to continue as we have or the consequences (as the current previews of coming attractions in economy,weather, human happiness and welfare) indicate.
The scary news of it is: THE TIME IS NOW.
The wonderful aspect of it is: WE ARE UP TO THE TASK. WE CAN DO THIS. WE HAVE THE IMAGINATION, THE CREATIVITY, THE RESOURCES, AND KNOWLEDGE OF HOW TO REINVENT OURSELVES.
The REAL question is: DO WE HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO PULL OUR HEAD FROM THE POWER OF DENIAL AND ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING BEFORE OUR ABILITY TO ACT IS RENDERED MOOT?
Millions suffer from depression. Sickness. Hopelessness. Instead of working on curing the symptoms for these ailments we need to be working on their CAUSES.
Don't be afraid. Fear breeds fear which breeds fear which breeds sadness helplessness and a world I personally don't want to live in.
Don't be mean. You know right from wrong. Stop turning away from that which you know is wrong.
Be part of the solution. Reach out and help another human being. They belong to you. They are your family. We all want the same things.
Everyone here is valuable. Sometimes that perceived value is difficult to see. Just because it isn't obvious, doesn't make not true. Seeing ISN'T always believing. It SURE as hell doesn't make it FACT. (Quantum physics anyone? Alright then)
What IS real, is that I am a member of this giant thing. This LIFE-FORCE on this planet. The more I learn, the more I realize I cannot divide myself FROM IT in nearly any way. If I cannot divide myself FROM it, then all of it, (even the stuff I don't like) winds up being a part of myself.
I'll say that again. EVERYTHING OUT THERE IS PART OF MYSELF.
Why would I attempt to hurt, destroy, hobble, infect, damage, subvert, poison, manipulate, or cause mental or physical harm...................to myself?
I can not love myself ABOVE others. I can only Love myself. (There ARE no .....”others”)
Therefore, I love you. Please take good care of me.
I'm WORTH it.
^..^~
Improved.
Re-Dedicated.
Re-Suscitated
Creatures of wild imagination.
Creatures with Awe-inspiring Dreams.
This is who we are.
Our imagination is both our advantage and our liability. It is the powerful force within us which has the ability to fuel an incomprehensible human drive toward extremes. Our imagination pushed us to place one of us on the MOON. Let's just stop and consider that for a moment.
If we ever...........EVER..........needed to proof to ourselves of what we are capable of: what our imagination has the power to drive us towards, that incredible piece of mankind's history should serve to make sure we NEVER FORGET.
WE CAN DO IT.....................................TOGETHER.
The American people were the tribe who made the finish, but it was the WORLD which pushed them up on their competitive shoulders to inspire them to push harder and faster to the point where they got it done. Without the spirit of competition from the rest of the world, it wouldn't have happened.
Knowing this, each and every one of us can take our own share of pride in knowing that it wasn't exclusively an American who landed on the Moon, it was a member of the Human Race.
It is from this perspective that we must all begin to think. The world is no longer such a big big place. I myself, as most of you, have undreamed of superpowers. I can send a message around the world with a single click of a button from my little electronic device. A device born of the labors of thousands of human beings living in places all over this world. The debt of my gratitude can not seemingly ever be repaid to the people working late in their cubicle sorting out chip designs or to the people putting in that extra hour late at night past quitting time who fabricated my particular little device. The seemingly unconscious and unacknowledged effort of humanity to pull off these miracles is so common as to be something that we all just expect, anymore.
But we cannot think that way any longer. Mother Earth is paying a heavy toll for our dreams, and it's time that we include her needs in our process. Many human beings are also paying the price for the synthesis of what we take for granted. Their health and welfare also, need to become something that is considered. In short, we can no longer look upon the single lives of the spirits who drive our world with an attitude of irreverence, neglect, or lack of respect. To do so, would be to drive a bulldozer at full speed into one of the pillars which is the foundation upon what our world is created upon.
If we are to actually BE, what we purport to BE, we must instead learn to fashion our business models in such a way as to have RESPECT for life. ALL life. We have progressed as far as we can feasibly go using the mentality of “do unto others and split”. The evidence of the cancer to our world from this unconsciously adopted philosophy is poisoning our water, raining debris from the sky and changing the daily weather into some sort of psychotic musical chairs game.
The time of nationalism and divisive activity is past. We simply cannot afford to continue as we have or the consequences (as the current previews of coming attractions in economy,weather, human happiness and welfare) indicate.
The scary news of it is: THE TIME IS NOW.
The wonderful aspect of it is: WE ARE UP TO THE TASK. WE CAN DO THIS. WE HAVE THE IMAGINATION, THE CREATIVITY, THE RESOURCES, AND KNOWLEDGE OF HOW TO REINVENT OURSELVES.
The REAL question is: DO WE HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO PULL OUR HEAD FROM THE POWER OF DENIAL AND ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING BEFORE OUR ABILITY TO ACT IS RENDERED MOOT?
Millions suffer from depression. Sickness. Hopelessness. Instead of working on curing the symptoms for these ailments we need to be working on their CAUSES.
Don't be afraid. Fear breeds fear which breeds fear which breeds sadness helplessness and a world I personally don't want to live in.
Don't be mean. You know right from wrong. Stop turning away from that which you know is wrong.
Be part of the solution. Reach out and help another human being. They belong to you. They are your family. We all want the same things.
Everyone here is valuable. Sometimes that perceived value is difficult to see. Just because it isn't obvious, doesn't make not true. Seeing ISN'T always believing. It SURE as hell doesn't make it FACT. (Quantum physics anyone? Alright then)
What IS real, is that I am a member of this giant thing. This LIFE-FORCE on this planet. The more I learn, the more I realize I cannot divide myself FROM IT in nearly any way. If I cannot divide myself FROM it, then all of it, (even the stuff I don't like) winds up being a part of myself.
I'll say that again. EVERYTHING OUT THERE IS PART OF MYSELF.
Why would I attempt to hurt, destroy, hobble, infect, damage, subvert, poison, manipulate, or cause mental or physical harm...................to myself?
I can not love myself ABOVE others. I can only Love myself. (There ARE no .....”others”)
Therefore, I love you. Please take good care of me.
I'm WORTH it.
^..^~
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