Holidaze

Well,

here we are at an apparent crossroads.

For me, this is a time period where I traditionally begin the process of evaluating my own progress, my experiences in the past year and my reactions TO those experiences. I imagine that it is the same for everyone. This is why the holidaze can be so crippling to those who are unhappy with their current position on the map of life. Feeling powerless to change the things which make us unhappy can be devastating.

It is usually the point where I remember.....that there really is no condition of being either ahead, or behind. There is only our personal voyage, with the milestones we pass being more of a personal progress indicator than an indicator of relative timeliness of the journey.

For me, on a quiet sunday morning it means a constant stream of images flowing through my mind. There is no joy. There is no sadness. There is no anger. There is no fear. There is only .....me.

Embraced by the quiet of the morning, in solitude.

Suzanne Vegas “Song of Sand” playing quietly in the background.

I am consumed by a desire to understand what has happened to me, but I am aware that there is no information forthcoming that will comfort or encourage me. Regarding anything.

I have a particularly bad habit of trying to ascribe meaning to everything that happens in my life. While very handy as a tool to learn about processes or machines, it’s next to worthless when it comes to trying to develop a deeper understanding of life.

Because life just happens. Perhaps the grand plan of life is that there is no plan. Chaos theory.

Sometimes the frustration of trying to determine accurate cause and effect...or in some cases, affect, can make me feel like all of my marbles have rolled under the piano.




This is the point where I am apparently required to suspend my belief or disbelief in what I think I know and hold on for dear life to the hope that there is something bigger, greater, and more in charge of what is going on in my life. It is extremely difficult.

I have always led my life believing in a higher power. Typically, however, just in case I am wrong in that belief, I have lived with a parallel alternative belief structure. If the statement regarding man being created in God’s image is a metaphor, and Shirley Maclaine was right about the idea that WE are the Divine collectively, then it would follow that the responsibility for what humanity desires to hand off to a Divine power is ours and ours alone.

To sit for a moment and really absorb that idea kind of messes with my head. In the evolution of an organism, a Spirit might shrug off it’s spiritual power, in disbelief of it’s own natural goodness and state of existence. It would be a natural state for an immature Spirit. Hell, it’s what we do as teenagers right? In our world, it’s far easier to believe that we are simply not good enough. That we are flawed. That we rely upon something less flawed than us to guide us. (instead of owning that we are the goodness from which all of God’s love comes) It’s why I feel it is so critical to be ABLE to believe in my fellow brothers and sisters. It is why it can be so devastating to me when people do not act like a kind and loving Spirit.

The most frightening (I suppose) aspect of this, is that the teachings of Jesus overlay this model extremely easily.

If the decision of how humanity’s Divine spirit is manifested is up to us, well then obviously we must necessarily become......like we hope the Divine to be.

In this way we must learn to forgive, we must learn how to love in spite of, and because of ....everything else. We must learn how to absorb the wounds we sustain from others, in a state of grace. WE, would be the love of God, and the forgiveness of our transgressions. The act of becoming the energy we seek to please by harmonic resonance TO that energy. Even if the idea is wrong, can I honestly say that it isn’t what God wants of us? To TAKE responsibility for being GOD-like? To INTERNALIZE these values and LIVE them? With accountability? Responsibility? This is why I do my best to live by a code. I desire God to be pleased with me. I desire to let God’s love and forgiveness and healing come THROUGH me.
As I aspire to be like I hope God would be...

I raise my Spirit.

Like a child, and like a bird taking flight.

We must actively pursue the behavior which will resonate with what we expect the Divine to BE, otherwise we will not resonate in harmony with God’s energy and will not be able to merge with him/her/they/it.

Either way, it pretty much indicates the same value system. The same behavior is required of all of us. To know God’s love and forgiveness, I must learn to BE God’s love and forgiveness. The act of mirroring what we think the Divine expects of us does, make us a mirror of the Divine.


The lesson I have learned from my 42nd year on this world is simple.

The worst thing you can do to anyone, is to withhold your love from them.
To do so, is to withhold God’s love from them.

For those out there like myself, who have no other, make certain you understand that being alone is an emotional statement. Being solitary is a description. Just love without looking for that love to be returned and you will know God’s love. Do not let the holidaze fool you into thinking anything else.

Time continues, and we are time.

Watch me.

Love

Chiron’

To my "kid" Sister on her birthday. With ALL of my LOVE.

You’ve come a long way baby.

Today, as I sit here trying to understand my life, trying to make sense of everything, trying to sort my expectations between realistic and unrealistic. Between isolation and independence, between trailblazer and wanderer.......my relative success and failure in meeting my goals and expectations...................I take time out to remember you.

You know, I never really felt like I had the chance to be the big brother to you that I wanted to be. I always felt like a big brother should be a leader, the point man. The sibling who looks out for the other siblings, and catches them if they fall. The one who guides and protects while pushing forward through life. The sibling who offers the benefit of his experience to his younger siblings to give them an added boost when it comes to learning about the world. The one they come to for help. I think about our past Shannon and I honestly don’t see that a great deal of any of that occurred. Whether because I wasn’t strong enough, or because circumstance pulled us in different directions I don’t really know.

I do know that I wanted to be much more involved in your life than what has become history. I don’t know what is tougher. Trying to live up to my own expectations of myself for our family, or the uncertainty of how to feel when I wasn’t able to fulfill those expectations for either myself or our family.

This November seems somehow different than any of the preceding ones. Something has changed. It feels like my world has changed. I know that I am struggling with depression, but a great deal of that has been in no small part to becoming aware, that the brighter more innocent world I thought I was living in has become somewhat less brilliant, less hopeful and a little more desperate that it ever was before. It is interesting to realize that I have been in a state of suspended denial for some time now. It is less difficult for example to believe in the best of humanity than when I don’t have exceptional examples which contradict those beliefs up in my face. Once I have had those experiences, it is quite a bit more difficult to continue to maintain the belief structure that has carried me to this point in life. At this point, I have enough data and understanding to recognize that I have no idea of what I am doing, or where I am going, and that my extreme efforts have seemingly been nothing but wasted energy. A sobering thought to be sure.


There is nothing that will bring clarity so quickly as having the vehicle of my understanding completely totaled as the result of some thoughtless insensitive driver on the highway of life involving me in an hit and run incident. What it does do is force me to understand that my vehicle IS damaged beyond repair , and that if I desire to get back on the road and travel through life at good speed, I am going to be forced to build another. Of course the real challenge is that resources are hard to obtain at this time, and components for rebuilding would be difficult if I had plenty of energy in reserve, which I do not.

All of which brings about the question regarding whether I need to even travel on this road at all? Maybe I should consider building an aircraft instead? Maybe that is all just too complicated and what I really need is just a magic rug.

Simple might be good. Simple might be really good.

I could just DITCH ALL of the expectations I had about who I am, who I should be, what I think I need, where I think I should live, how I think I should live, how others relate to me, IF others relate to me...

Maybe I could just instead, poke around my little pond of life and stop trying to participate in a rat race which refuses to allow me the benefit of using my best engines? Maybe they won’t let me use my best engines for fear I will gain an unfair advantage over them? ...You and I were both raised to believe that it was all about being “he who had the better mousetrap”....but that game doesn’t really work. It’s fixed.

So....I know that you are a brilliant woman. Yes, WOMAN. You will always be my "kid sister" but I acknowledge that you are an adult. I know that you will understand what I have really said to you here, AND....I know that if you don’t, that you won’t be too proud to flat out ask me about it. (I really love that about you). Because while I am talking about what is going on in my life, my world, all I can really hope for as your big brother is ever to be a window to the world for you, and let the knowledge of what I discover shine through me........to you.

I love you Elizabeth

Happy Birthday

Chiron’

Love, Lifeforce energy, Partnerships with each other, and Partnerships with the Divine

I should preface by letting you know that I am an energy worker. I have studied the lifeforce of humans and animals and have discovered that this energy affects us in MANY ways. It can go out of balance, causing sickness, loss of mental clarity, even extreme emotional distress.

I have heard it said that we only have so much energy to play with in the course of our lifetime and how we spend that energy with other people is actually very important.

My ex girl friend recently said something similar. (We still occasionally compare notes regarding our paths) She believes that we are all allotted so much of our own spiritual energy, and that each time we share that energy with another human being ....that a portion of this energy, or our own spirit is used. Traded. Our lifeforce is diminished. She believes that only when we take responsibility for our spending that energy in a connection between a man and a woman, and do so with an eye looking for God’s approval can we really invite the Divine into our hearts, let alone expect the Divine to nourish us with his/her love/energy in any other partnering.

Human beings all have a built in instinctual drive to collect lifeforce energy and safeguard their own. Good parings of healthy people enhance and actually increase this lifeforce energy, and bad couplings or coupling with someone whose energy is diminished, or unbalanced can cause injury to both people.

When a relationship is ongoing, each person is feeding their lover with their energy. The give and take of this lifeforce is part of the invisible connection between people who are in love. This happens between close friends, lovers and family. God enters into equal partnerships.

This is one of the reasons that “closure” is so important in a broken relationship. If there isn’t any closure, then the energy connections between the two people are violently ripped apart. This causes both parties to “bleed” energy for an extended period of time until they are able to heal from wound. Both people in the relationship are injured regardless of who initiated the breakup. This “bleeding” of lifeforce energy is most easily witnessed as lethargy, depression, or extended grief. It can also cause a person to seek connection elsewhere to “plug” the wound......we call this “being on the rebound”. The reason it doesn’t work is that the new energy from the rebound lover isn’t the same harmonic as the energy that the person suffering from an energy wound is requiring.

Contrary to my ex’s beliefs, I believe that it isn’t about running OUT of spiritual energy, so much as it is about each partnering being a sharing of energy. I am not certain I believe that this has to be between a man and a woman either. Since I believe that the experience of being human is really only that of a spiritual being being incarnated, the sexual aspects of a spiritual union have little to do with the exchange of lifeforce energy in my book. (who knows, I COULD be wrong, but.....I doubt it). God is about LOVE. God is Not about........LOVE with conditions.

I believe that each time you are intimate with a person you are literally GIVING them a part of yourself. This is why people sometimes have “fatal attraction”. This would be a condition where a person has invested TOO MUCH energy in a person who is going to leave that union and are taking that energy away, that in their sickness or being out of balance they wind up taking too much energy and not giving enough back to the other person to create balance.....much to the disadvantage of the person who is left bleeding energy from the separation. I do believe that an ex partner can RELEASE the energy you have given them back to you, but not without a conscious act. Over time, (and partners) I believe that you can trade away a great deal of your Divinely given lifeforce. I believe that there are ways to replenish this energy, but once again, it isn’t something that happens by itself.

So. When it comes down to it. There isn’t any such thing as a “hookup” or any kind of intimate bonding between people that doesn’t come at some degree of personal expense. It’s important to understand though, that this doesn’t mean you cannot have multiple partners.....it just means that you should REALLY...........LOVE them, and they should LOVE you back. The exchange of Love will heal us all. The taking of love without reciprocation will injure us.

I could go on forever about this topic, so I’ll stop here. Feel free to comment on the subject, and let me know what you think.

Love

Chiron’