October...

My favorite month.

A period of time where we celebrate the maturation and death of the old, so that the phoenix within can rise from it's flaming embers and soar into the sky, reborn. Unfettered by the weight of the old, the dead, the discarded, the lost, and the pain I've carried from previous wounds.

I cannot believe it has been a year since we were here last. Since then I have experienced THE singular most hellish year of my life. I have learned many things in this year.

This year I lost it.

I lost my perception of what it means to have faith in human nature, what it means to have faith in God. I lost my perception of what it means to have faith in myself, and what it means to have faith in future. My future. Our future. The future.

I lost a great deal of my fear.

I lost a great deal of shame, guilt, shyness, and feelings of inadequacy.

I lost my one remaining grandparent this year. I didn't get to say goodbye..... again. At least they were all treated equally.

I lost someone else I cared about so much that I didn't think I could continue when she was gone. I don't know why she did what she did. I don't know why she couldn't be my friend. I don't know why she took my love and then tried to destroy me. My world revolved around her. Then I lost that world. Now, I'm losing my ability to care about her at all.

I lost many of my teeth, more of my hair. I lost hope.....and survived until I found it again. (from within) I lost many many misconceptions regarding my relationship to both myself and to others. I have been witness to many aspects of human behavior which although I knew about from my studies, I never conceived the difference between what I read in textbooks and the actual application of that knowledge through first hand experience.

I have seen some of the BEST aspects of human kindness, and some of the WORST aspects of human indifference, and malevolent acts of heretofore unknown levels of selfish manipulative ignorance or evil. (which I can only assume at this point were not personal to me but rather just expressions of personal pain and confusion).

I have observed how a female can cry wolf, and make it work for her. Socially, politically, and economically.

I have learned that no matter how sincere a person is, that no matter how much they appear to have your best interests at heart, that they can turn on you and stab you in the back. That they can do so without the slightest bit of discomfort from their conscious. Long term or short term. That in the disbelief OF their actions my subsequent re visitation to the scene of the crash for clarification, only made things worse. I discovered that when someone goes that far into denial, that trying to continue to communicate with them can cause repeated stabbings and even more pain. I have seen the face of a human being show gratuitous GLEE in the ACT of ultimate deceit. (something that, seeing as it was never re-addressed, will no doubt haunt me for years to come.)

I have learned that SOME people have the capacity for behavior like this after having promised that they would be friends forever, (no matter what happened within the “relationship”). A relationship which started under the premise of being an overt demonstration of “unconditional love”.

I have learned aspects of people in a small community, and the dynamic of how people will choose sides and support a master manipulator. I have seen the incredible dynamic of how the “blame the victim” game works in human nature. How it is far easier to believe that a victim has caused their own suffering than it is to believe that what the victim was saying was in fact, the truth. The reason behind this phenomena is strangely simple. To believe that what a victim of a crime has said, opens up the deeper unspeakable horror to which every human being must instantly go into self protective denial over......that sometimes the most incredibly bad things can happen to any person at any time, for any reason, with no warning, and with no provocation, and sometimes, without ever even being allowed the benefit of knowing why. It's MUCH easier in a world where everything has a nice neat cause and effect relationship to expect that if something bad happens to a person, well then it simply MUST have been a reaction from something that the victim has done. I have learned that most of us actually live our lives and make our daily choices.........out of fear.

Through all of this, after waiting patiently, (and sometimes impatiently) for resolution, I have also discovered much to my horror, that there really ARE people out there who can do these things, and clearly, never look back or feel the slightest obligation to effect any degree of repair to the person they have destroyed with their deceit, treachery, or just plain over the top and off the charts levels of cruelty.

I have seen how far and how deep the depression caused by betrayal, hopelessness and futility can go.

I have stood at the edge of emotional abyss, and I have spat over that edge, in defiance of that path.

I have learned that no matter how much in earnest people will tell you that they will be there for you...that sometimes, they just aren't. Sometimes, it's not even something you can fault them over.

Usually, it's when you need them the most.

Sometimes people just look after their own interests. MOST OF THE TIME, people just look after their own interests. (This was truly a sad and unexpected revelation to me) {Can you say naive, anyone?} I mean, what is this game that some women play where they push you to see if you care enough to assist them, and then once you show that you will, then they start abusing your concern for them? American Princess syndrome out of control?

I have been shown, consistently, that I am NOT to reach out to anyone. Because the moment I do, the moment I drop my guard and open up, they will no longer want my attention. It's as if they have finally gotten a look inside a locked box and no longer have any interest once their curiosity has been sated. Perhaps they are merely looking for answers of their own, and it is merely the action of leaving no stone unturned, no box unopened in their search for those answers that this phenomena occurs? We are all searching. Half of us don't even know what it is that we are searching FOR. Because of this, I will not stop reaching out. I will not stop. I will not let the experiences I have had which burned me for reaching out KEEP me from reaching out again. I cannot.

I have found some things too.

I have found that people are both at their best, and at their worst, when they are in pain.
I have seen that often, a persons ability to reach out and help another person who is in pain is directly related to how much pain they have known in their lifetime. How much pain they can endure. How much of another's pain they will willing allow themselves to experience.

I have experienced issues of loyalty.
I have known both the loyal people in my life.....................and the others.

I learned this year just how much my family loves me. Family members who are both blood relatives and otherwise. I have learned that sometimes the best thing you can ever do for someone, is just to leave them alone, let them find their own way. I have learned what unconditional love really means. (the lesson just came from many instead of just a single person).

I have learned that sometimes I must be stern with those I love in order to really assist them. To really Love them. This includes myself. I have learned that I may love someone without needing that love returned. I have learned how to teach.

I have learned how to ALLOW................ myself.

So I have learned self reliance. I have learned strength. I have forced myself to learn to sink spiritual roots DEEP into mother earth, and stretch my arms HIGH into father sky, reaching. I have learned that I am enough. I don't need anyone else to complete me. I have learned that time spent alone can be either the most bottomless pit of emptiness, or the most peaceful cradle of self nurturance, and only personal mood control over circumstance will ever dictate... Witch.