Carrier Wave

Every once in a while something happens. Something seemingly insignificant on the surface, and yet, there is a part within that for a split second, Is blinded by a flash of lightening insight.
Something somewhere aligns with something else and there is almost a perceptible “click” as two pieces come together in a union most satisfying.
It’s strange how we can perceive something while in the perfect darkness. Our perceptions of it change based on where we are in reference to its position. We strain the limits of our perception as we attempt to ascertain what it is, its size, shape, or texture. The feelings that are evoked within our hearts can ring out in harmonic sympathy to it, like sonar. We know that it is there, but we are forced to continually ping for it, reaching to match perception with understanding. We do this until quite unexpectedly we stumble across it for a millisecond, and are at once blinded by its brilliance.
If we are not careful to stop quickly enough, we will lose it, and its mystery will haunt us long thereafter.

Such is the apparent mechanism describing my Spiritual safari. As I continue to evolve, I have recognized patterns not only in the way that I discover information, but also in the way that I am somehow subconsciously aware of HOW and WHEN to self trigger such a discovery. I have become aware, for example, by no means I am able to adequately understand for the purpose of description, able to discover a film, or a book, or and experience, which I will somehow knowingly set aside, sometimes for months, until the time is right for me to trigger it. I can tell you that it’s somehow linked to some kind of time scheme, of which I am most assuredly not the author, but that’s about all I can muster for the sake of a description. It is enough however, to reassure myself that my tour through this often bizarre wonderland is in fact a guided one, and not a self directed endeavor.

Tonight I finally popped the cork on one of these interesting little “time capsules”. It was one I had discovered much earlier and set aside for reasons unknown. The name of the film is “Revolver”, and I can only describe it as more of an experience than it resembles a story. Imagine my stunned excitement to realize it was a Luc Besson film…
With any discovery of considerable magnitude there is often created in me a type of anxiety. It is the nature of the beast that anything which might be a considerable piece to the puzzle may have dramatic repercussions regarding my personal model of the Universe, my subjective reality and the inclusive common reality’s and their variants that cluster together. A new discovery of serious proportion can be upsetting because it may bring answers to questions, or, it may just bring bigger more consternating questions. I think that this is what the variable of timing has to contribute to the equation. If the timing of an important puzzle piece is off, it may be inadvertently dismissed. However, when the timing for the release or discovery of new information is appropriate, it can act as a catalyst which stimulates curiosity down a completely new path. There is also a dark side to discovery; the unnamed fear that I have been going in the wrong direction, or that my conclusions are not sound. Sometimes, very rarely, I encounter a condition where a new piece of information is somewhat unsettling because I knew it already, but the emphasis of what I thought I knew was not accented correctly, and new information pushes a definitive emphasis in a whole new way.
Such is the case with the film “Revolver”.
This is a film with a message so big, that it’s really quite amazing that they were able to shoehorn it into such a seemingly unremarkable vehicle for dissemination. It likely should have a warning label on the jacket which states, “Warning: Objects may be closer than they appear, do not view this film alone if you have a history of higher thinking, or have experienced concurrent déjà vu’”. So, if you haven’t seen this film, there is your warning. You’ll want to really prepare yourself for a message, and ensure there is no distraction.
Now. Go take a look.

The King…has left the building

I was going through my film collection and I decided to re-view one of my films. I was about half way through it when I felt something in my head click. It was actually kinda freaky.

All of the elements are there. I can’t believe I never saw it before.

We are nerve-wracked by his behavior before we have any sense of who he is, or, what he wants.

We are awestruck with his enormity; the unstoppable force of his Will, and the physical strength with which he enforces it.

We are terrified at what we perceive to be his unpredictable anger, until such time that his wrath becomes the shelter of our protection.

We long to communicate with him, but communication seems limited to what he will show us.

All of these qualities weigh heavily upon us, as we attempt to formulate the concept of who he is, but it is this final quality which leaves us with our mouths wide open in confusion and wonder.

We are mystified that as small and seemingly insignificant as we appear to be, that such a creature could find us lovable. Not just appealing, but that he could know something about us from a look, that is so valuable to him, that he would be willing to lay down his life to protect it.

The very necessity of his desire to safeguard us, providing him with a previously unknown purpose.

The statement was made, “It wasn’t the planes that killed him. Beauty killed the beast.”

It wasn’t physical beauty which killed the beast; it was the beauty of our innocence.

The story of King Kong is the story about our relationship to God.

It is the story that we will accidentally destroy God with our ignorance and our fear.

So what is it that we really mean to convey when we say, “The King…has left the building”?

Constructive Deconstruction

A little bit of cooking for the holidays.

The New Year is coming around the corner, and with it comes all the anxiety that we create for ourselves regarding our personal progress in our lives. Let’s take a quick look at how we create ourselves and what ingredients are in the mix.

The real question that I have to ask myself is:

Who do I want to BE?
Each year we have the opportunity to break away from what has been (what WE…have been) and we have the capacity to re-invent ourselves. Reality is based upon our perception of it. Our view of the world is largely filtered by who we believe ourselves to be. It is shaped by the beliefs that we hold in regard to what we believe is possible for us, and also by that which we believe is outside of our reach. I’d like to focus on tossing MOST of that away. Start with a clean counter. Get out your cutting boards, and let’s just have a look at what we can make.

When I get to the point where I am conscious of a desire (or a need) to remake myself, it’s rather like working in the kitchen. Am I looking for a recipe book? Or do I feel confident enough in my own ability to create something wonderful from scratch? It’s actually best to start with the recipe that I have used to create myself from last year. It’s much easier to make small experimental shifts in my concoction than it is to daringly throw something together completely from scratch. After all, I DO NEED a good point of reference right?
When I am mixing values and traits, how much of the cookbooks baseline do I use for my creative endeavor? How much do I use from last year’s recipe? How much of the spice of my personal creativity do I use?
How much do I incorporate from the given of what others believe is true, (the acceptable norm) verses how willing am I to go out on a limb to create something in myself which is truly unique?
Once I decide to mix the proportions, it is EXTREMELY important that I follow through. Nothing will guarantee my unhappiness at a later date more than my creating a recipe for a character that I cannot or will not complete. I must remain mindful not to set my expectations for myself higher than my ability to stretch out to reach that goal. Equally, I must set my expectations for my personal growth high ENOUGH, to make a personal challenge of the endeavor, or I will not experience the growth I desire to have.

Baby steps.

So, let’s get a general idea of where we want to go for the rest of our lives, but most importantly, let’s keep it manageable and set our timer for simply the next year. (Because NEXT year, we will bake again!)
I can start with what I know I have already experienced. I can decide to add to my personal recipe things that I see needed an adjustment from last year. I can add new feelings I have as a result of last years’ growth to the mix, while removing some of the ingredients which didn’t quite work out. Things that took away from the finished product or aspects that didn’t add to its aesthetic appeal.
It is important for me to remember in this process that I can be WHOEVER I want to be. I can shock friends and relatives by throwing in a new spice, or I can add more of what I know that they already like. Whatever I decide, I must remember that I am not creating this recipe for them. I am creating it for myself. I am the one who must continue to be challenged. I am the one who I am creating for in the first place. This is my life. What do I want to experience? It is up to me to play in the kitchen with my recipe of who I am until I am satisfied. This is my most basic freedom. It is my most basic right. It is also…my most precious GIFT…to the Divine, to myself, to my loved ones, and to the world.

So….get your apron on and get busy!

Happy Holidays.

Deleterious Delirium

As I sit here feeling like I am on my deathbed, I am reminded in the most curious of ways how the Divine likes to get my attention. I don’t like to come off as preachy or melodramatic, my motivation is actually much more self-centered than anything like that. I grew up in a world where I fell in love with many things; I also grew up in a world that taught me to fear nearly everything and every one. In one of the conversations I had with the Divine as a much younger man, I was told that it is up to us, each Spirit upon this earth, to shape this planet into what it is that we consider comfortable. From that point on, I have done my best to help where I can to affect the changes necessary for this world to be more comfortable for myself, and others like myself, to exist in. I wanted a place to live where people were free to be who they are, from the INSIDE. From where we most closely resemble the essence of what the Divine created us to be; not from the outside where circumstances and convention and all the other dynamics occur to effectively twist and distort our Spirits away from the Divine expression of what we were meant to be actually was. Her Grace assured me that this was a noble path to take but warned me of the potential of discomfort. Of course, being young, and brash, I did what most insolent youngsters do and cast aside all warnings of danger. Part of the luxury of youth is the gross incomprehension of time, and the accompanying knowledge that youth and erroneous perceptions of indestructibility wind up being only a small portion of our lifetime. I knew I had to start small though, so I began one person at a time. Each time I saw a person I could help, I did. For a while this process seemed to be working, although honestly it became something of a conundrum when it appeared that I was making myself out to be a person who more closely resembled a doormat than a human being trying to help others. I found out much later down the road that people are just so not used to someone being good to them, that they wind up being suspicious of my motives, and some, sadly, actively undermined me in an attempt to stop or otherwise disrupt what it is that they saw in me. Eventually this started showing up in my attempts to build a career. Eventually, this manifested itself upon my Spirit in the form of negative self esteem.

I never gave up though, and I will continue this process for as long as I am able.

Those of you who have followed me for any length of time know that I tend to be somewhat opinionated. Outspoken. The previous experiences in my lifetime have helped thicken my skin to the danger of being the one in the crowd who will speak up when things aren’t right. I have many battle scars as a result of undertaking the counter-attack against what I consider to be wrong. Now, while it’s certainly true that as I write this, I cannot actually see unless I close one eye, and I am sitting in a puddle of my own sweat, my head is pounding with an urgency that suggests I may not be around too much longer, there is just this one thing I wish to impress upon any and all who would listen.

I am not any more special than any of you are.

I just elected to suffer the consequence of seeing my will through to the end.
(whether that end be my own, or that of the battle)

EACH of you has the ability, the capacity, the strength and the courage to stand up for what you believe in.

The ultimate test is overcoming your OWN personal objections as to why you cannot, should not or will not do so. You were born with an intrinsic sense of right from wrong, long before you had any person, group, religious doctrine or patriotic flag to tell you the difference. If you look for it in your heart, you’ll find it. It’s waiting for you to listen.

If enough of us stop this process of perpetuating the status quo, if enough of us can begin to see that we are all the same, if ENOUGH of us reach out to one another and realize that bitter people are HURT people….we just might have a chance of turning the tide. It has nothing to do with how much or how little money you make, how well or little known you are, how strong or how weak you are. It has to do with how much you care. It has to do with how much of your original Divinity you can recall. It has to do with your ability to realize that you are living in a very small drop of water, on a leaf, growing on a much bigger pond.

I’m amazed sometimes at how the Divine likes to get my attention. When she wants me to stop, believe me, she’ll find a way. Sometimes I have trouble sitting still. Always I have trouble arresting my mind. With this sickness, she’s managed both.

Ok I gave the message ………..so can I get better now?

Message in the Bottle

For Penny,

(Written with David Gilmour’s “Near the End” playing in the background)

Life is hard.

It can be a wonderful adventure, or a harrowing tale, but all of it, both the good and the bad, teaches us the lessons that we need to learn in order to get to that next level.

Observing the world means that we each, must create a mirror image of that world inside of ourselves. It reflects what we have been exposed to, the things that we witness, the experiences we have had, the people we have known and the things that they tell us about ourselves. It is the place inside of us where our virtual parents live, and where they continue to exist long after they have passed from this plane of existence. We build this world unconsciously; we add programming or content to it every day. It is the place where everything that we “know”, resides.

Within that world, is a dark place where we store our pain. A treacherous place, because like the scene of a grisly car accident, it is a place where we cannot bear to visit, yet we spend a great deal of time there. We return to it often trying desperately to gain some measure of understanding from an experience that went horribly wrong, or was otherwise damaging to us. It is the graveyard where the ghosts of lost love reside. Not just the lost love of a partner or companion, but the lost love of a parent or a guardian as well. In the center of this cemetery is a grave where some of us may be shocked to discover a tombstone with our own name on it. The tombstone marks the loss of love that we have for ourselves.

Within this grave are all of the reasons why we feel like we are unlovable. The secrets, the compulsions, the evil deeds, the passionate wanton cruelty to another, the ugly compulsion to protect ourselves by seizing power over others….the things that bring us shame and fear. For many of us, the amount of time we spend staring down into this deep dark whole, is as secret as this hidden cemetery is in the first place.

But it’s there, and we all go to stand next to our own graves of lost love more than any of us likely admit. Most of us find coping strategies to deal with the pain of one sort or another, but most of those “strategies” create even more problems and actually add to the gravesite more reasons to come back to the edge and stare, ponder, wonder and despair, at why we do these things to others, and why we do these things to ourselves?


As I look back into the crystal ball of my own world, I recall the faces of those I have looked up to who have folded while struggling to come to an accord with the demons that live in that grave. Layne Staley, Kurt Cobain, and my grandfather Leslie Caldwell just to name a few. Each of them stood too close to that grave, and eventually, they were pulled into it by the demons they had buried there.

The riddle of the message in the bottle is as old as humanity itself. Like the pirates of old have often sung about, those who crawl far enough into the bottle to discover the message, usually take that message to the grave with them. The Dead tell no tales. Layne did his best to document his decline, hoping that those with ears to hear, and understand, would learn from his mistake. I interpret the name of his band Alice in Chains to be fully representative of the entire experience.

The moral, if there is one, is simply this: there is no escape from the pain of life. There is only our ability and our desire to face the unpleasant aspects of it with hope, fortitude, stamina, Love and forgiveness. The Message in the Bottle was written by the Grim Reaper, and you really don’t want or need to know what it says.

I love you Aunt Penny,

Goodbye.

The TRUE present...

Well, here we are people, on the eve of 2010. I must say that it comes to me as I am fraught with trepidation. Everyone knows I tend to be a little sentimental, and for some reason NYE has always found me an emotional wreck as I try to process all of what has happened over the course of the old year, and try to get a handle on my (sometimes desperate) desires for the outcome of events in the new one. As I reflect on the highs and lows of the past year I am reminded that, at the very core of all of these experiences, it is me, myself, who controls the ups and downs I experience as a result of what has occurred. Difficult as it may be for me, to embrace the idea that I choose how I am affected by the external world, I must acknowledge it to be the ultimate truth. More difficult still is the concept that I have the ability to select my emotional state at any given moment. From the knee-jerk reaction I have when a beautiful woman enters my field of vision, to the concept of love at first sight, I must acknowledge that I am making a series of decisions at incredible speed which lead to my emotional responses.

Most difficult is the understanding of this information and the strange desire to quell it. To disown it. To object and tell myself that I cannot help but remain a complete slave to the ebb and flow of my emotional states. (Although, sometimes it remains a fact) It does appear to be the stumbling block upon which I trip in my attempt to get to that NEXT! level. Sometimes, I KNOW that it's true, but I just don't care to "mess with it". That would be the animal side of me trying to draw a line in the sand over which my intellect isn't supposed to exceed. So, I suppose it's about balance. Some aspects of my emotional condition I should let go. Some aspects I should attempt to control. Choosing which is which, well now, that's the trick isn't it?

When we can teach ourselves to reach out with open arms to whatever the Universe has on it's menu for NEXT!, it is ONLY THEN...that we are truly being OPEN. It is ONLY THEN, that we have relinquished control in our lives and made space IN our lives-FOR our lives, to unfold in front of us as intended. It is exceedingly difficult to do, and the way is fraught with illusion, (both internal and external) but once we achieve this level of commitment to live our lives unfettered by fear, doubt, stress, and negativity, only then are we living in the TRUE PRESENT. MOST of what goes on in our heads and hearts obscures the path we are intended to take because of our need to cling to outcomes. But the reality is, that it IS.....the TRUE PRESENT that is given to us. The present of choice. The present to turn left or right or up or down. The gift of experiencing our life without walking through it wearing a suit of armor. So let GO! Join me in putting your hands over your head like riding a roller-coaster and experience the high of living life without control! Live in the now. Accept the True Present! As my Spiritual mentor Charlie Shultz once told me back in my Air Force Days, "If you cannot make a mistake, you cannot MAKE.....ANYTHING!"

Happy New Year!!!!!

Love Chiron'

A-Frayed Knot

“ ...and I think it’s important to remember, in the midst of all of our personal emotional and physical roller-coaster rides life seems to arbitrarily strap us into and send us through that....

Each day we DO have a measure of sanity that we can allow ourselves.

Each day we start, is a day upon which we may, depending on the strength of our Spirit, the strength of our Will, and our commitment to a process, can irrevocably change our lives forever.

Each moment in time is a fulcrum, a balance point upon which our future can teeter this way or that, here to there, up to down, down to up. It’s all in our own hands.

Each day we complete, is another in a series of miniscule lessons which we unconsciously navigate our way through, and what we take with us on that ride is also, entirely up to us. Whether we hold tightly to our belief, to our faith, to the bar, the cover, our addictions or our denial, is also, completely up to us.

Each day we complete is cause for a celebration, because for most, harsh reality is that we live in a concrete jungle, where setbacks lie in wait for the unsuspecting, the unaware, the abusive, (whether that violence be turned inward or out).

Each moment in time is another moment ticking away reminding us of the choices we know in our hearts are the right choices to make, but often the fear to stand up weighs too heavily against the fear of our personal failure.

It is this lack of belief in the self, from which most core pain syndromes appear to be born. The fight is with the self, and it’s relation to the Divine, the Planet, our peers and our loved ones. The unconscious fight is the fight to remember that the fight with the Divine, the Planet, our peers and our loved ones,......is the fight with the Self. We ARE.

When one of us suffers, we all suffer. A chain-reaction of events (usually pain-based) spreads with viral intensity the world over.

Unfortunately, we are addicted to our own self abuse. We have become hardened, and with that we begin to pass pain off to one another like a bunch of kids seeing who can hold their open hand over a flame the longest.

Fortunately, we can do the same thing in pleasure. We have the capacity to try to outdo each other in our ability to be considerate, kind, forgiving, and above all, self-sacrificial.

When the energy has left your hands, and you can know longer hold on to the rope, you have precious little time to sharpen your awareness and understand that you are falling. It is from raw courage and a will to survive that a commitment must be made to grab the rope slipping through your exhausted and burned hands, and to face the inevitable pain that will happen when you close your fists around it. But it is what is required. It can be a test to teach us not to let go in the first place, or , it can be a test to remind us that letting go even for a short time can have painful lasting repercussions. Either way, the choice is our own. We decide what span of the rope we will live on, and we decide how often we will revisit the same stretches of that rope.

We can become intimidated by others who seem to vault up the rope seemingly effortlessly, and we can doubt our own abilities when we see such a display of locomotion. Such concern is an illusion however, because the rope of each of our lives is vastly different, with obstacles of differing sizes and shapes based on the age of the soul. The key is to keep your eyes on your own rope, and trust that others progress simply cannot be measured against your experience, nor should it be. What CAN be measured is how much and how often, we pause in our own progress to assist others in their own struggle to simply hang on.

We are each others Angels and Demons. It is all what we choose to be, how real we choose to make it, how deep or how shallow we decide to be.

We are the eyes and ears of all the spirits of who we are.

So climb. Reach for something higher. Something better. Something brighter....and leave a hand out to catch those around us who have slipped or let go. Leave no-one behind. The souls you catch on your way up ease the fear of making a mistake in your own progress. We are......each others safety net.