I have been having a series of discussions with my old high school friend Tina Everett, and she posted this today. This is a reprinting with her permission.
Why So Lonely?
7:15 a.m.
Why do you feel empty? Like nobody understands you, or god has left you in the corner while everyone else is out to play? You look around at your life, and other people seem so happy, but you have no idea where you are going. It feels like nobody else really cares if you are hurting inside or not.
It's because you are only living half your life. You are going through the motions of daily life, reacting to The Physical, while your Spiritual side slowly atrophies. (Think of a Yin-Yang symbol where the white side is not round, but shrivelled up and dying.) First off, it's ugly, second thing you'll notice is that it is no longer balanced and doesn't work. A wheel needs to be round to turn.
Now don't feel bad; it's happening to a lot more people than you realize. In fact we all go through droughts from time to time. But you have to fix it if you want to be happy again. (And the way to be happy again is to fix that flat tire lol)
People everywhere, especially in modern times are pretty good with the physical side of their lives. We know we have to go to work/school, we know we have to pay those bills, meet those deadlines, honor those responsibilities. And then, to unwind physically, we have sports, hobbies, parties, etc.
But as the world gets more 'modern' or technologically savvy, we have started to mock the spiritual as 'old timey' or ignorant. Very religious people (of any religion) are looked upon with a sort of pity, like they are less intelligent. Some of the more devout ones are considered crackpots... (maybe those are ones who are letting the physical side die as they chase after their godliness, so they are unbalanced the other way.
How many people do you know who live their daily lives in the physical world, but save their religious beliefs for their Sabbath day only? Or who believe in interpreting dreams, healings, or tarot and stuff in the evenings when they're hanging out with certain friends, but forget all about that 'silly' stuff during the workday? *for any Christians who are objecting to 'mystical' references here, read your own bible for a change, it also believes in dream interpretation, fortune telling, mental healing, numerology, and miraculous physical manifestations, so lay off the other folks. Take the WHOLE bible as truth, or use it as cage-liner... if you really believe that Bible like you say, you cannot choose parts to cut out.
Why must you keep your real life separate from your religious life? That is what's killing you. That mental connection with the person you fell in love with has shriveled. The spiritual link that made you just KNOW something was wrong with someone you loved one day, and you coincidentally called them right when they needed it... same thing. Talking with god lately? or just sending "Bitch Lists" out when things don't go your way. (The connection to the Higher is a 2-way phone line, when are you gonna quit talking long enough to listen for a minute?)
Start listening to the air around you. Start trying to connect mentally, put yourself in someone's shoes and learn to care about them for a change. Start exploring your Spiritual beliefs, whatever they are. YOUR beliefs, in your heart, not what some guy in a suit tells you to believe. Eventually you will realize what you were missing and have balance in your life again. When you have finally reconnected to the rest of us, you will never be lonely again.
9 a.m.
Wow, that was quick...
Nothing like a religion-oriented blog to stir up some activity. In response to the emails & phone call I have already received:
1: No it is probably NOT better to look for Spiritual things only, and forget about the physical, even though that sounds really noble. You have responsibilities to take care of here. If you are ignoring the Physical side, either you are letting your body rot while you daydream and search for truth, or you are forcing someone else to handle the responsibilities that you should be taking care of. One way hurts yourself; the other way hurts someone else's spirit.
As for caller number 2: Pick a religion. All of them have threads of truth, and all of them have a lot more of it wrong. Remember the game in grade school where Kid A whispered something to Kid B, and then Kid B passed it on, and so forth? Remember how botched it always comes out? Now try that with several billion people over a few centuries... Just follow what Religion your parents gave you, or whichever you feel closest to.
And 3: No I am not claiming to have all the answers... If you feel that strongly about it, all I can say is don't read my blogs, but love me in spite of it.
Chiron'
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Three Times
He was alone.
He could hear the wind sift through the trees outside his open windows.
Gentle breezes which seemed to be calling his attention.
Like soft.....breathing.
He felt himself unconsciously matching his breathing to the sound.
He felt the long heavy curls of his own hair moving on his neck as the breeze caressed him. He started when he realized he was feeling hair he had long since lost. “shhhhhhh” he heard in the highest registers of his hearing.
He knew this presence, and although he knew that he knew it, he couldn’t place it. Like the lazy curls of smoke from the candle, his memory yawned open in it’s search for recognition. But more importantly, he knew that this presence knew HIM.
He waited, afraid to move a muscle lest he should break the spell.
The firelight flickered shadows in the room around him. It was comforting, the crackle and pop of the fire jarred him into the awareness that he had lit no fire.
In the distance he heard a woman's soft murmur of laughter. It was the laugh of amused affection.
He stared into the fire and even his thoughts seemed to stand still.
He heard the tinkle of a spoon in a tea cup.
She always has tea, he thought, as the aroma of fine black tea reached his nose from the cup on the table before him.
He turned from the fire to the place setting across the table from him, as her eyes beckoned his attention into them.
There she was.
His heart threatened to explode from the intense emotions. Attraction, fear, enchantment, confusion, and recognition.
“Oh come now, after all this time this is how you show me how much you’ve missed me?”, she whispered in mock despair.
“I have absolutely no idea who ....or what..... this “woman” is.”, he thought.
“You know EXACTLY who I am”, she whispered. “But I’ll grant you that it has been a pretty good stretch of time.”
She sipped her tea and pulled her legs up into the chair with her. It was only then that he began to really look at her.
She had long flowing hair. It was red, no, brown, no? black with a purplish tint..
“Stop that!” she commanded. “You will see me as your hearts desire. You know how much I hate it when you cannot make up your mind. Close your eyes and feel me sitting here from your heart, once you have done that, then open your eyes.”
“I can’t do this, it’s confusing.” he said.
“Who ARE you? and what do you want with me?” he inquired.
“There is a part of you who knows who I am, and what I am here for. It has been a very long time. We have some time yet, as I have arrived early. I will come again soon and you will perhaps remember me then.
I’ve missed you little one”
He opened his eyes in panic “no wait!” he gasped.
But he was alone.
He could hear the wind sift through the trees outside his open windows.
Gentle breezes which seemed to be calling his attention.
Like soft.....breathing.
He felt himself unconsciously matching his breathing to the sound.
He felt the long heavy curls of his own hair moving on his neck as the breeze caressed him. He started when he realized he was feeling hair he had long since lost. “shhhhhhh” he heard in the highest registers of his hearing.
He knew this presence, and although he knew that he knew it, he couldn’t place it. Like the lazy curls of smoke from the candle, his memory yawned open in it’s search for recognition. But more importantly, he knew that this presence knew HIM.
He waited, afraid to move a muscle lest he should break the spell.
The firelight flickered shadows in the room around him. It was comforting, the crackle and pop of the fire jarred him into the awareness that he had lit no fire.
In the distance he heard a woman's soft murmur of laughter. It was the laugh of amused affection.
He stared into the fire and even his thoughts seemed to stand still.
He heard the tinkle of a spoon in a tea cup.
She always has tea, he thought, as the aroma of fine black tea reached his nose from the cup on the table before him.
He turned from the fire to the place setting across the table from him, as her eyes beckoned his attention into them.
There she was.
His heart threatened to explode from the intense emotions. Attraction, fear, enchantment, confusion, and recognition.
“Oh come now, after all this time this is how you show me how much you’ve missed me?”, she whispered in mock despair.
“I have absolutely no idea who ....or what..... this “woman” is.”, he thought.
“You know EXACTLY who I am”, she whispered. “But I’ll grant you that it has been a pretty good stretch of time.”
She sipped her tea and pulled her legs up into the chair with her. It was only then that he began to really look at her.
She had long flowing hair. It was red, no, brown, no? black with a purplish tint..
“Stop that!” she commanded. “You will see me as your hearts desire. You know how much I hate it when you cannot make up your mind. Close your eyes and feel me sitting here from your heart, once you have done that, then open your eyes.”
“I can’t do this, it’s confusing.” he said.
“Who ARE you? and what do you want with me?” he inquired.
“There is a part of you who knows who I am, and what I am here for. It has been a very long time. We have some time yet, as I have arrived early. I will come again soon and you will perhaps remember me then.
I’ve missed you little one”
He opened his eyes in panic “no wait!” he gasped.
But he was alone.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Chambers of the Heart
What is the terror that we experience when something we have asked for with all of our heart is .........given ...........to us?
Is it so much to believe that we can actually have what it is that we ask for?
What makes us not only hesitate, but in fact actively deny ourselves a gift that seems to come directly from the Divine?
Is it the peculiarity of the random nature of WHAT of our many requests specifically appear to be granted to us which create the barriers within us? Are those the barriers that prevent us from accepting the gift when it finally arrives? Is it a fact that we define our reality based on what we desire, and whether or not that desire can or will ever be fulfilled? Can the conditioned response that we get from being blocked when we reach out for something actually wind up being the blockage created by ourselves when what we have asked for is finally, belatedly put within our grasp?
Are we unconsciously limiting ourselves in what we can have of our desires because on some level we do not feel worthy of receiving the very things that we beg for? Are we so arrogant that we assume to be a better judge of worthiness than the Divine?
Does it wind up being a two part process? We ask the Universe or the Divine for something, and then after it is provided for us we disallow it from manifesting in our lives because we are unsure of our worthiness? Is it a case of God may forgive us, but we cannot forgive ourselves or each other?
Is our fear of accepting a gift seemingly from the Divine evidence of a lack of complete trust in the Divine? We struggle every single day to learn to develop an accord with what it is that we reach for, verses what we are apparently allowed to have. When we ask for something that we desire but do not believe that it is possible for us to have, isn’t it our disbelief of possibility that which prevents us from accepting the very thing that we have asked for?
I believe that it is.
I think that once we have made up our minds (as the result of purely self protective guardianship) that something is not within our reach, to acknowledge that what we have asked for has been presented to us threatens to contradict our well developed notions about what our reality actually is, how it works, and what our place is in it. When we are given something which is in direct contradiction of our personal reality construct, we are suddenly forced to deal with a discrepancy which is an acknowledgment that our personal and collectively defined reality doesn’t take into consideration the possibility of that which we have no explanation for.
Once something like this happens in our life, we are afraid to accept what is offered because to close our fingers around something we have desired for so long requires us to relinquish our understanding of how such a thing came to be. Most of us live in a sort of self denied state of terror as it is. To acknowledge that our understanding of our existence and our role in it is unknown is the final nameless faceless horror in each of our lives. Without our carefully defined mechanistic world, we would have nothing to hold on to. Nothing to keep us anchored in our understanding of what reality is and the causality of our interaction WITH it.
If this is true, then it follows that we wind up being our own guides through this plane of existence. We limit ourselves in what we allow ourselves to know, to experience, or what desires we have we will allow ourselves to have. This actually makes sense and lends itself to the idea of Karma and the cycle of transformation.
We are given a passkey though, we can skip some of the more detailed lessons that we don’t need if we can show that we have a full working understanding of the main lesson above which the smaller lessons are grouped.
We’d have to describe it this way.
Yes.
Yes I can have my hearts desire, but am I really ready for that?
Yes I can have my hearts desire, but is what I desire what I really NEED?
Yes I can have my hearts desire, but only if I can get my mind and my heart around the fact that the Divine is right before me, offering to me what it is that I have requested?
Then the question becomes much more simple, and complex.
What is it that I really desire? What is it that my Higher Self wants me to know? What will my Higher Self allow me to have that the Divine has offered me? Will my {lower}self allow me to accept what is being offered, or will my {lower}self refuse it out of a sense that I don’t deserve it? A sense that I should be punished by disallowing that which I desire but feel unworthy of?
I could skip the lessons involved if I learned how to just be.
I could skip the lessons involved if I learned how to just forgive.
I could skip the lessons involved if I learned how to just Love.
I could skip the lessons involved if I learned that I am not in control.
I could skip the lessons involved if I learned to relinquish expectation.
I could skip the lessons involved if I learned to stop trying to work my will.
I could skip the lessons involved if I learned that I am beautiful, and that the beauty I share with others is God’s grace as much as it is an expression of my own.
I could skip the lessons involved if I could but learn that I am a vessel.
That everything I am and everything I do is as much a part of God as it is a part of me.
I could skip the lessons involved if I could but feel that God is inside of me.
I could skip the lessons involved if I could not fear the loss of myself as I reach out to join with the Divine. (for how can I be lost if what I am is the essence of the Divine?)
Maybe the biggest challenge that I face here on earth is the challenge of trusting that I have God within me, and as a result of that, that I am within God?
Until I am able to overcome these lessons I may remain trapped.....
trapped within the chambers of my own heart.
Is it so much to believe that we can actually have what it is that we ask for?
What makes us not only hesitate, but in fact actively deny ourselves a gift that seems to come directly from the Divine?
Is it the peculiarity of the random nature of WHAT of our many requests specifically appear to be granted to us which create the barriers within us? Are those the barriers that prevent us from accepting the gift when it finally arrives? Is it a fact that we define our reality based on what we desire, and whether or not that desire can or will ever be fulfilled? Can the conditioned response that we get from being blocked when we reach out for something actually wind up being the blockage created by ourselves when what we have asked for is finally, belatedly put within our grasp?
Are we unconsciously limiting ourselves in what we can have of our desires because on some level we do not feel worthy of receiving the very things that we beg for? Are we so arrogant that we assume to be a better judge of worthiness than the Divine?
Does it wind up being a two part process? We ask the Universe or the Divine for something, and then after it is provided for us we disallow it from manifesting in our lives because we are unsure of our worthiness? Is it a case of God may forgive us, but we cannot forgive ourselves or each other?
Is our fear of accepting a gift seemingly from the Divine evidence of a lack of complete trust in the Divine? We struggle every single day to learn to develop an accord with what it is that we reach for, verses what we are apparently allowed to have. When we ask for something that we desire but do not believe that it is possible for us to have, isn’t it our disbelief of possibility that which prevents us from accepting the very thing that we have asked for?
I believe that it is.
I think that once we have made up our minds (as the result of purely self protective guardianship) that something is not within our reach, to acknowledge that what we have asked for has been presented to us threatens to contradict our well developed notions about what our reality actually is, how it works, and what our place is in it. When we are given something which is in direct contradiction of our personal reality construct, we are suddenly forced to deal with a discrepancy which is an acknowledgment that our personal and collectively defined reality doesn’t take into consideration the possibility of that which we have no explanation for.
Once something like this happens in our life, we are afraid to accept what is offered because to close our fingers around something we have desired for so long requires us to relinquish our understanding of how such a thing came to be. Most of us live in a sort of self denied state of terror as it is. To acknowledge that our understanding of our existence and our role in it is unknown is the final nameless faceless horror in each of our lives. Without our carefully defined mechanistic world, we would have nothing to hold on to. Nothing to keep us anchored in our understanding of what reality is and the causality of our interaction WITH it.
If this is true, then it follows that we wind up being our own guides through this plane of existence. We limit ourselves in what we allow ourselves to know, to experience, or what desires we have we will allow ourselves to have. This actually makes sense and lends itself to the idea of Karma and the cycle of transformation.
We are given a passkey though, we can skip some of the more detailed lessons that we don’t need if we can show that we have a full working understanding of the main lesson above which the smaller lessons are grouped.
We’d have to describe it this way.
Yes.
Yes I can have my hearts desire, but am I really ready for that?
Yes I can have my hearts desire, but is what I desire what I really NEED?
Yes I can have my hearts desire, but only if I can get my mind and my heart around the fact that the Divine is right before me, offering to me what it is that I have requested?
Then the question becomes much more simple, and complex.
What is it that I really desire? What is it that my Higher Self wants me to know? What will my Higher Self allow me to have that the Divine has offered me? Will my {lower}self allow me to accept what is being offered, or will my {lower}self refuse it out of a sense that I don’t deserve it? A sense that I should be punished by disallowing that which I desire but feel unworthy of?
I could skip the lessons involved if I learned how to just be.
I could skip the lessons involved if I learned how to just forgive.
I could skip the lessons involved if I learned how to just Love.
I could skip the lessons involved if I learned that I am not in control.
I could skip the lessons involved if I learned to relinquish expectation.
I could skip the lessons involved if I learned to stop trying to work my will.
I could skip the lessons involved if I learned that I am beautiful, and that the beauty I share with others is God’s grace as much as it is an expression of my own.
I could skip the lessons involved if I could but learn that I am a vessel.
That everything I am and everything I do is as much a part of God as it is a part of me.
I could skip the lessons involved if I could but feel that God is inside of me.
I could skip the lessons involved if I could not fear the loss of myself as I reach out to join with the Divine. (for how can I be lost if what I am is the essence of the Divine?)
Maybe the biggest challenge that I face here on earth is the challenge of trusting that I have God within me, and as a result of that, that I am within God?
Until I am able to overcome these lessons I may remain trapped.....
trapped within the chambers of my own heart.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Deep Space Distress Signal
The flickering lights illuminated her face. The strobe had the effect of stretching the images into horrific twisted shapes. The darkness burned the last seen image upon the retina’s, into her brain. The fragile eggshell of her shelter from space shuddered and the sound of fatigued metal sang it’s death song to her. She heard none of it. The sound of her own hammering heartbeat was all that she could hear. That, and the static of an unresponsive communications link.
“Hello? This is
Can anyone hear me?”
“I need help”
“Oh puleease please please....dear GOD please help me”
What is it about the very concept of a Deep Space Distress Signal that seems to access the most primitive of fears in the human psyche?
The fear of being left behind. Forgotten. Left to die. Abandoned.
The fear of not being able to be self sufficient. Or, to put it another way,
The fear of not being ABLE to take care of oneself.
That, my friends, is true, fear.
Throughout the course of our lives, we will face this fear, over and over again. Like a Demon it will return to frighten us, usually when we feel least able to fight against it. But that is, after all, it’s nature.
There are so many openings in our lives where this Demon may try to sneak in and make us doubt what we should never doubt. From something as simple as the ultimate stress of being put into the light, under the glare of judgment, a test, a performance, a trial, or a rite of passage....to the extreme of learning how to function in the absence of a loved one. A separation or a death.
This Demon is like most other Demons. It is a Demon until we master it’s lesson. Once we overcome our fear then we have the ability to see that the Demon is really an Angel, an Angel who has come to teach us that one single thing. The most important of messages we will ever know.
The lesson that no matter WHAT happens..................................We can do it.
It may not be pretty, we may not get style points, but we can it make through to the other side.
Like an angry drill instructor our Angel will mercilessly corner us in our fear until we accept that vital piece of information.
We can do it, and we WILL do it.
We will do it or deal with the wrath of a very pissed off Angel whose job it is to punish us with our fear until we have had enough and turn to face it.
So the next time you feel the chilling cold of deep space, and nobody answers your radio, I want you to remember that as the fear mounts and your voice gets caught in your throat, and your heart starts hammering to the point where it feels like it will explode, that what you are feeling is your Angel. I want you to know that he is hard core. Old school. Fucking MEAN. That fear you feel is his pitchfork, goading you. Pushing you. Challenging you. He wants you to turn around and face that fear and scream at him to step the hell OFF.
Because you can DO this. By YOURSELF if you have to.
And he and you both KNOW it.
As any seasoned Soldier will tell you, two of his oldest friends are fear and pain.
Both will keep you from ever being truly alone. Both will keep you alive.
“This is Alpha Omega responding to received distress signal.....over”
“Hello? This is
Can anyone hear me?”
“I need help”
“Oh puleease please please....dear GOD please help me”
What is it about the very concept of a Deep Space Distress Signal that seems to access the most primitive of fears in the human psyche?
The fear of being left behind. Forgotten. Left to die. Abandoned.
The fear of not being able to be self sufficient. Or, to put it another way,
The fear of not being ABLE to take care of oneself.
That, my friends, is true, fear.
Throughout the course of our lives, we will face this fear, over and over again. Like a Demon it will return to frighten us, usually when we feel least able to fight against it. But that is, after all, it’s nature.
There are so many openings in our lives where this Demon may try to sneak in and make us doubt what we should never doubt. From something as simple as the ultimate stress of being put into the light, under the glare of judgment, a test, a performance, a trial, or a rite of passage....to the extreme of learning how to function in the absence of a loved one. A separation or a death.
This Demon is like most other Demons. It is a Demon until we master it’s lesson. Once we overcome our fear then we have the ability to see that the Demon is really an Angel, an Angel who has come to teach us that one single thing. The most important of messages we will ever know.
The lesson that no matter WHAT happens..................................We can do it.
It may not be pretty, we may not get style points, but we can it make through to the other side.
Like an angry drill instructor our Angel will mercilessly corner us in our fear until we accept that vital piece of information.
We can do it, and we WILL do it.
We will do it or deal with the wrath of a very pissed off Angel whose job it is to punish us with our fear until we have had enough and turn to face it.
So the next time you feel the chilling cold of deep space, and nobody answers your radio, I want you to remember that as the fear mounts and your voice gets caught in your throat, and your heart starts hammering to the point where it feels like it will explode, that what you are feeling is your Angel. I want you to know that he is hard core. Old school. Fucking MEAN. That fear you feel is his pitchfork, goading you. Pushing you. Challenging you. He wants you to turn around and face that fear and scream at him to step the hell OFF.
Because you can DO this. By YOURSELF if you have to.
And he and you both KNOW it.
As any seasoned Soldier will tell you, two of his oldest friends are fear and pain.
Both will keep you from ever being truly alone. Both will keep you alive.
“This is Alpha Omega responding to received distress signal.....over”
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Chitty Chitty Bang BANG!
I promised earlier that I would write a piece in regard to the black magic of how to save on gasoline, and this is that bit.
I am currently a professional driver. But really that just is the latest description to basically a lifetime of playing with machines. I was inspired as a kid by the movie “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”, and have been an inventor ever since. In order to become an inventor, one has to have a great detailed knowledge of how things work. (After all, one must pay homage to those who have invented before himself by studying and learning of their acts of brilliance. I take a moment to give you this background so that you may more easily understand the mechanism by which I have discovered the information I’m about to share with you.
To really understand how to make your driving as efficient as possible, one must first understand what is really happening behind the common acts we all perform on a daily basis, under the hood of the machines which we depend so completely on. So I will start with a basic explanation of what an internal combustion engine is, and how it works, and then later when I give you the reasons why things work the way that they do, you’ll have a more complete understanding beyond the knowledge of the information itself.
An engine is really just an air pump. It’s kind of a strange way of thinking, that the whole fuel aspect of it is pretty much secondary, but really, it is.
If you’ve any experience with air pumps of any size, this should help you gain a firmer understanding of what is going on with an engine. The main difference of course is that instead of using electricity to turn the pump, we put a flammable liquid INSIDE the pump and drive it from the inside, instead of from the outside.
Next, let’s look at any kind of flywheel type of system you’ve ever used, and see how that compares to what we are doing with an automotive drive train. Lets start with a relatively familiar observation that I’m sure most of us can relate to.
A bicycle.
Ever notice when you first start riding your bike that when you first start off, it takes WAY more effort to push the pedals than it does once you have actually started moving? This is because of the physics law where an object in motion tends to stay in motion. Once you get the bike rolling at a steady speed, the amount of energy required to push the bike is drastically reduced. Only a change in speed, or a change in road surface or additional wind resistance will cause you to have to push harder.
So lets go back to our air pump. Just like when you are peddling the bike, the engine itself will tend to stay in motion after it has reached a certain speed. So when we start off, we spend a much bigger amount of fuel to get it going, and once it’s going we can trickle off the fuel supply quite a bit without the machine changing it’s relative speed.
Now, while we are on the subject....what we have been using in our model here is a fast acceleration to a constant speed. But since we are here, let’s also notice something else. Ever notice when you are riding your bike that if you accelerate very slowly, just a little bit faster a little bit at a time, how much less the effort is? The same goes with our air pump.
A slow acceleration requires much less energy expenditure than a faster acceleration. This is because we are using the law of inertia to our advantage. The slower we accelerate, the less energy we use, because we are NOT fighting inertia as much as when we try to reach warp 9 in ten seconds.
Ok. Now that we have a basic familiarity with these principles, lets bring it back to our common experience behind the wheel.
I think that there is a basic misunderstanding of the level of technology that we are dealing with here. Another way of looking at an engine (other than an air pump) is a big campfire. When we are driving and we stab the throttle and “open it up”, what that means is, we are no longer metering out the fuel to the engine at all and are instead allowing the maximum amount of fuel to go through the system to make the fuel flow from the gas tank to the point where it is burned as fast as possible. The relative speed of this is based on how big the engine/air pump is, and how big the pipe is that runs from the tank to the engine/air pump. Using our campfire example, when we step on the throttle a little bit it’s like taking a dixie cup and tossing that much fuel on the fire. When we stab the throttle and “open it up” we are taking the biggest bucket we can carry full of fuel and throwing it on the campfire. I’m sure most of us can relate to what happens. We can throw dixie cups of fuel on the fire all night long and make it flare up just a little bit, or, we can throw a huge supply of fuel on the fire and it makes it flare up really big. But the amazing part of it is.....the length of time that the fuel flares up on the fire, lasts about the same amount of time whether we use a dixie cup, or a bucket. Right? That is because the rate at which the fuel actually burns is constant. It is controlled by the fuels octane. Thus fuel that has an octane rating of 87 burns FASTER, and fuel that has an octane rating of 92 burns SLOWER. We like SLOW burning fuel because the slower it burns, the longer the “flare up” we get when we throw it on the fire. Make sense?
Ok, I hope yall are still with me, it’s difficult to make this readily understandable and yet keep it somewhat brief.
I had mentioned that we are limited in how far we can control or manipulate the fire by our technology. This is an overly simplistic statement, but will have to do for now. The point is, because of the laws of physics, and the various technologies we have to try to get around them, we are currently kind of stuck with our fuel burning air pumps as the primary method by which we loco mote around.
So lets take a look at how we the driver of an automobile can make each tank of gas go the farthest.
First of all, don’t forget our bike model. Slow starts save fuel. Once we are going, SMALL changes in speed are ten TIMES as efficient as “dropping the hammer” to make a lane change or pass another car.
The truth of it is ........we are our own worst enemy when it comes to saving fuel. Who doesn’t enjoy feeling the power of giving your car the equivalent of the command, “ahead warp factor 9”? We are all creatures of the physical, and it brings us pleasure to feel a car squat down and rocket off whenever we tell it to. It affirms our sense of personal power and enhances the illusion that we have some degree of power over our environment, if not our lives. But that’s ALL it is. A quick momentary burst of your wallet as it goes from your wallet to the tank to the roaring campfire for a quick momentary flare-up. Then of course it goes into our air in the form of pollutants which we pay for again several dozen times as we attempt to clear it out of our water, food, etc. etc. You get the picture.
So if we could just learn to control our typical animal impulses, and not make the trip to the grocery store an amusement park ride, we’d be saving a lot of money, fuel, and impact to the environment right there.
Ok. Enough of the explanation and now I’ll get down to the brass tacks of tips to save on fuel.
Let’s start with wind resistance. If the universe was trying to tell mankind just how fast we ought to be traveling, the physics laws of wind resistance and drag ought to be a big clue to us. For those who are unaware, the breakpoint for the change in aerodynamics is about 45m.p.h. What does that mean? That means, that if you had the horsepower to move it, you could drive a building down the road at speeds up to about 45 before it would make any difference whatsoever as to what shape your vehicle was. Now this is a key factor here. Another way of stating this is that our engine is operating at it’s peak efficiency rate (the most movement for the least amount of fuel) at 45. This is why a while back they opted for the 55m.p.h speed limits. After 45 m.p.h., the efficiency of our machine goes down DRASTICALLY. Waste is increased substantially up to 60, and after 60, we are just THROWING fuel on the fire. But remember, this is only in reference to wind resistance, so the rules still apply at slower speeds regarding slow starts to overcome inertia efficiently.
So, if you can, drive 45, or less. The tradeoff obviously is time. They say time is money, and it is never so apparent as when you turn the key to your car.
Spend the time, drive slower, save money of fuel. Actually save a LOT more than just fuel, you’d also save on tires, drive train component wear and tear, and as an extra added bonus, you’ll have more reaction time to avoid that idiot driver trying to text on his phone while driving. You’d also lower the amount of pollution that your car emits into the atmosphere when you drive slower.
So, our next tip is that when you are on the road, stop using your brakes.
THINK about what you are doing instead of using your brakes to save errors in judgment. LOOK down the road and if you see a blockage about to occur, just let off the throttle. Give yourself enough time to allow the car to slow down on it’s own. Remember, each and every single time you step on the brakes, you are effectively erasing the forward momentum you just spent X amount of $ on to get going. Not only that, but have you ever wondered just how much of the air contaminants we have to breathe are the brake dust from all of our cars? The next time you go down the highway in bumper to bumper traffic, imagine that you could actually SEE the brake dust flying up into the air in front of you from the traffic in front of you. Yeah, that dust is going right into your A/C intake and right into your car. Not much, but then, how much brake dust is on the U.S. Recommended Daily Allowance as part of your healthy diet? See what I mean? It always cracks me up to see a car with uber liberal green bumper stickers all over it’s tail engaging in the STOMP throttle and then brake behavior.
MOST of it, is absolutely preventable. If people would stop all the other multitasking attempts they try to do while operating an automobile, and pay attention, we’d have smoother traffic flow and less pollution. Needlessly stomping on the accelerator, and then negating that with a stomp on the brakes is the WORST way to drive. For EVERYONE.
To recap:
Drive slower if you can.
When you drive, drive in “slow motion” .....like granny does. A little throttle here, a little brake there, but never brake if you can anticipate a slow down instead, just let go of the throttle EARLY.
Maintain your car. more air in the tires means that they roll with less effort.
Keep them properly inflated.
Change the air and fuel filters in your car. Change the oil. These things reduce friction and increase efficiency.
The single biggest way to save money on fuel is to plan ahead. Save all your trips for one outing, then allot enough TIME for you to “mosey along”.
If you need to open something wide up, make it your car stereo volume.
I hope this helps.
Chiron’
I am currently a professional driver. But really that just is the latest description to basically a lifetime of playing with machines. I was inspired as a kid by the movie “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”, and have been an inventor ever since. In order to become an inventor, one has to have a great detailed knowledge of how things work. (After all, one must pay homage to those who have invented before himself by studying and learning of their acts of brilliance. I take a moment to give you this background so that you may more easily understand the mechanism by which I have discovered the information I’m about to share with you.
To really understand how to make your driving as efficient as possible, one must first understand what is really happening behind the common acts we all perform on a daily basis, under the hood of the machines which we depend so completely on. So I will start with a basic explanation of what an internal combustion engine is, and how it works, and then later when I give you the reasons why things work the way that they do, you’ll have a more complete understanding beyond the knowledge of the information itself.
An engine is really just an air pump. It’s kind of a strange way of thinking, that the whole fuel aspect of it is pretty much secondary, but really, it is.
If you’ve any experience with air pumps of any size, this should help you gain a firmer understanding of what is going on with an engine. The main difference of course is that instead of using electricity to turn the pump, we put a flammable liquid INSIDE the pump and drive it from the inside, instead of from the outside.
Next, let’s look at any kind of flywheel type of system you’ve ever used, and see how that compares to what we are doing with an automotive drive train. Lets start with a relatively familiar observation that I’m sure most of us can relate to.
A bicycle.
Ever notice when you first start riding your bike that when you first start off, it takes WAY more effort to push the pedals than it does once you have actually started moving? This is because of the physics law where an object in motion tends to stay in motion. Once you get the bike rolling at a steady speed, the amount of energy required to push the bike is drastically reduced. Only a change in speed, or a change in road surface or additional wind resistance will cause you to have to push harder.
So lets go back to our air pump. Just like when you are peddling the bike, the engine itself will tend to stay in motion after it has reached a certain speed. So when we start off, we spend a much bigger amount of fuel to get it going, and once it’s going we can trickle off the fuel supply quite a bit without the machine changing it’s relative speed.
Now, while we are on the subject....what we have been using in our model here is a fast acceleration to a constant speed. But since we are here, let’s also notice something else. Ever notice when you are riding your bike that if you accelerate very slowly, just a little bit faster a little bit at a time, how much less the effort is? The same goes with our air pump.
A slow acceleration requires much less energy expenditure than a faster acceleration. This is because we are using the law of inertia to our advantage. The slower we accelerate, the less energy we use, because we are NOT fighting inertia as much as when we try to reach warp 9 in ten seconds.
Ok. Now that we have a basic familiarity with these principles, lets bring it back to our common experience behind the wheel.
I think that there is a basic misunderstanding of the level of technology that we are dealing with here. Another way of looking at an engine (other than an air pump) is a big campfire. When we are driving and we stab the throttle and “open it up”, what that means is, we are no longer metering out the fuel to the engine at all and are instead allowing the maximum amount of fuel to go through the system to make the fuel flow from the gas tank to the point where it is burned as fast as possible. The relative speed of this is based on how big the engine/air pump is, and how big the pipe is that runs from the tank to the engine/air pump. Using our campfire example, when we step on the throttle a little bit it’s like taking a dixie cup and tossing that much fuel on the fire. When we stab the throttle and “open it up” we are taking the biggest bucket we can carry full of fuel and throwing it on the campfire. I’m sure most of us can relate to what happens. We can throw dixie cups of fuel on the fire all night long and make it flare up just a little bit, or, we can throw a huge supply of fuel on the fire and it makes it flare up really big. But the amazing part of it is.....the length of time that the fuel flares up on the fire, lasts about the same amount of time whether we use a dixie cup, or a bucket. Right? That is because the rate at which the fuel actually burns is constant. It is controlled by the fuels octane. Thus fuel that has an octane rating of 87 burns FASTER, and fuel that has an octane rating of 92 burns SLOWER. We like SLOW burning fuel because the slower it burns, the longer the “flare up” we get when we throw it on the fire. Make sense?
Ok, I hope yall are still with me, it’s difficult to make this readily understandable and yet keep it somewhat brief.
I had mentioned that we are limited in how far we can control or manipulate the fire by our technology. This is an overly simplistic statement, but will have to do for now. The point is, because of the laws of physics, and the various technologies we have to try to get around them, we are currently kind of stuck with our fuel burning air pumps as the primary method by which we loco mote around.
So lets take a look at how we the driver of an automobile can make each tank of gas go the farthest.
First of all, don’t forget our bike model. Slow starts save fuel. Once we are going, SMALL changes in speed are ten TIMES as efficient as “dropping the hammer” to make a lane change or pass another car.
The truth of it is ........we are our own worst enemy when it comes to saving fuel. Who doesn’t enjoy feeling the power of giving your car the equivalent of the command, “ahead warp factor 9”? We are all creatures of the physical, and it brings us pleasure to feel a car squat down and rocket off whenever we tell it to. It affirms our sense of personal power and enhances the illusion that we have some degree of power over our environment, if not our lives. But that’s ALL it is. A quick momentary burst of your wallet as it goes from your wallet to the tank to the roaring campfire for a quick momentary flare-up. Then of course it goes into our air in the form of pollutants which we pay for again several dozen times as we attempt to clear it out of our water, food, etc. etc. You get the picture.
So if we could just learn to control our typical animal impulses, and not make the trip to the grocery store an amusement park ride, we’d be saving a lot of money, fuel, and impact to the environment right there.
Ok. Enough of the explanation and now I’ll get down to the brass tacks of tips to save on fuel.
Let’s start with wind resistance. If the universe was trying to tell mankind just how fast we ought to be traveling, the physics laws of wind resistance and drag ought to be a big clue to us. For those who are unaware, the breakpoint for the change in aerodynamics is about 45m.p.h. What does that mean? That means, that if you had the horsepower to move it, you could drive a building down the road at speeds up to about 45 before it would make any difference whatsoever as to what shape your vehicle was. Now this is a key factor here. Another way of stating this is that our engine is operating at it’s peak efficiency rate (the most movement for the least amount of fuel) at 45. This is why a while back they opted for the 55m.p.h speed limits. After 45 m.p.h., the efficiency of our machine goes down DRASTICALLY. Waste is increased substantially up to 60, and after 60, we are just THROWING fuel on the fire. But remember, this is only in reference to wind resistance, so the rules still apply at slower speeds regarding slow starts to overcome inertia efficiently.
So, if you can, drive 45, or less. The tradeoff obviously is time. They say time is money, and it is never so apparent as when you turn the key to your car.
Spend the time, drive slower, save money of fuel. Actually save a LOT more than just fuel, you’d also save on tires, drive train component wear and tear, and as an extra added bonus, you’ll have more reaction time to avoid that idiot driver trying to text on his phone while driving. You’d also lower the amount of pollution that your car emits into the atmosphere when you drive slower.
So, our next tip is that when you are on the road, stop using your brakes.
THINK about what you are doing instead of using your brakes to save errors in judgment. LOOK down the road and if you see a blockage about to occur, just let off the throttle. Give yourself enough time to allow the car to slow down on it’s own. Remember, each and every single time you step on the brakes, you are effectively erasing the forward momentum you just spent X amount of $ on to get going. Not only that, but have you ever wondered just how much of the air contaminants we have to breathe are the brake dust from all of our cars? The next time you go down the highway in bumper to bumper traffic, imagine that you could actually SEE the brake dust flying up into the air in front of you from the traffic in front of you. Yeah, that dust is going right into your A/C intake and right into your car. Not much, but then, how much brake dust is on the U.S. Recommended Daily Allowance as part of your healthy diet? See what I mean? It always cracks me up to see a car with uber liberal green bumper stickers all over it’s tail engaging in the STOMP throttle and then brake behavior.
MOST of it, is absolutely preventable. If people would stop all the other multitasking attempts they try to do while operating an automobile, and pay attention, we’d have smoother traffic flow and less pollution. Needlessly stomping on the accelerator, and then negating that with a stomp on the brakes is the WORST way to drive. For EVERYONE.
To recap:
Drive slower if you can.
When you drive, drive in “slow motion” .....like granny does. A little throttle here, a little brake there, but never brake if you can anticipate a slow down instead, just let go of the throttle EARLY.
Maintain your car. more air in the tires means that they roll with less effort.
Keep them properly inflated.
Change the air and fuel filters in your car. Change the oil. These things reduce friction and increase efficiency.
The single biggest way to save money on fuel is to plan ahead. Save all your trips for one outing, then allot enough TIME for you to “mosey along”.
If you need to open something wide up, make it your car stereo volume.
I hope this helps.
Chiron’
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Without a Handrail
Life moves so fast in some areas of our lives that it isn’t until we can come to a full stop, that we have any real idea or sense of what is going on around us. For those of us who lead single or solitary lives, it can be a real challenge to stop. For us, to stop is to risk becoming lost between worlds.
Daily life moves like a very fast stream. Each action and reaction is seemingly interwoven. We think on our feet, if we think at all. It is very easy to allow our obligations to blot out how we are really feeling.
Once we depart the fast moving stream of our obligations and enter the quiet space of our inner life, the world is much different. Movement is like that of slow water.
As a single man, living on my own, sometimes I have to really question whether I am really living. The problem is, the inertia of the week is so strong, that the force of last weeks issues often blows past the finish line of the week and continues with it’s unstoppable force straight into the weekend and then THROUGH the weekend, like a locomotive that has derailed and runs uncontrolled to it’s final resting place. My life has been moving so fast for me that the time required for me to decompress is roughly about twice the amount of time I have allotted to accomplish decompression and renewal for the following week.
The trouble is, the speed of my movement away from work is much different than when I am work.
I am not certain of course, but I would imagine that solitary life for others is similar to my own.
Alone, my inner world comes forth. It takes a while for me to find my natural rhythm again. My natural rhythm is timid, and will disappear in the blink of an eye if it feels threatened. It is up to me to coax it out from hiding, and encourage it to sing to me. That takes time.
I tend to “live in my head”, because there really isn’t much externally to keep me FROM that. Life moves much much slower there. There I can actually SEE. There I can actually FEEL.
There I can get a broader viewpoint of the world in which I live.
My home gets messy because my home is primarily my place to BE. Just ....Be. When I am at home, my body resides there, but my Spirit is often elsewhere. It is a cocoon of protection. A place I can become ultimately vulnerable. It’s where I stop, sit on the floor and sit in ultimate silence and feel the earth beneath me. It’s where I can dream. It’s where I can write.
Solitary life is the kind where the simple ring of a phone can shatter the environment with it’s shrill demand. It can be both a lifeline in times of desperation, and an unwanted intruder when I have developed peace.
The phrase, “lose track of time” has a whole new meaning in this world.
Time is measured by how many cups of tea I have made, how many cigarettes I have smoked, how much of the mundane tasks I have accomplished. Time is measured by how fast and how well I can recharge.
Sometimes, I am not able to recharge. I am forced to enter into a new week in a state of mental or emotional exhaustion. This is when I really have to be careful, because this is what can trigger the tidal wave of depression. At times like this, I don’t do a whole lot. I will find a piece of instrumental music, an incomplete musical phrase, that I can loop and I will set it in motion. I will play it nonstop in an effort to find rhythm. My rhythm. It will serve as life support for me until my own rhythm can function again on it’s own. Sometimes this takes a while. I know it is working when I find myself suddenly growing extremely emotional, as the endless repetition functions like a drill, penetrating my core and any blockages that are preventing me from finding my own natural rhythm again. Irritating if I resist it, hypnotic if I allow myself to be seduced by it. Almost a way of creating an illusion of stopped time. One moment, relived over and over except that, with each reiteration, new harmonics become perceivable. Eventually I will begin to hear more than what is playing. Eventually, the pain in my heart will begin to dissipate, and I will find resolution. Peace. Acceptance.
The trouble is, once I have been in this space, it becomes very difficult to exit it’s peaceful state. Modern life is almost a direct contradiction to it’s wave. Entering either world is a task that requires energy, flexibility and a great amount of fortitude.
I don’t know what I expected life to be like when I grew older, but I never expected this. I keep searching for understanding, of both myself, my worlds and others who are in them. For now, I will keep walking, one foot in front of the other, being careful not to lose my balance in this life without a handrail.
Daily life moves like a very fast stream. Each action and reaction is seemingly interwoven. We think on our feet, if we think at all. It is very easy to allow our obligations to blot out how we are really feeling.
Once we depart the fast moving stream of our obligations and enter the quiet space of our inner life, the world is much different. Movement is like that of slow water.
As a single man, living on my own, sometimes I have to really question whether I am really living. The problem is, the inertia of the week is so strong, that the force of last weeks issues often blows past the finish line of the week and continues with it’s unstoppable force straight into the weekend and then THROUGH the weekend, like a locomotive that has derailed and runs uncontrolled to it’s final resting place. My life has been moving so fast for me that the time required for me to decompress is roughly about twice the amount of time I have allotted to accomplish decompression and renewal for the following week.
The trouble is, the speed of my movement away from work is much different than when I am work.
I am not certain of course, but I would imagine that solitary life for others is similar to my own.
Alone, my inner world comes forth. It takes a while for me to find my natural rhythm again. My natural rhythm is timid, and will disappear in the blink of an eye if it feels threatened. It is up to me to coax it out from hiding, and encourage it to sing to me. That takes time.
I tend to “live in my head”, because there really isn’t much externally to keep me FROM that. Life moves much much slower there. There I can actually SEE. There I can actually FEEL.
There I can get a broader viewpoint of the world in which I live.
My home gets messy because my home is primarily my place to BE. Just ....Be. When I am at home, my body resides there, but my Spirit is often elsewhere. It is a cocoon of protection. A place I can become ultimately vulnerable. It’s where I stop, sit on the floor and sit in ultimate silence and feel the earth beneath me. It’s where I can dream. It’s where I can write.
Solitary life is the kind where the simple ring of a phone can shatter the environment with it’s shrill demand. It can be both a lifeline in times of desperation, and an unwanted intruder when I have developed peace.
The phrase, “lose track of time” has a whole new meaning in this world.
Time is measured by how many cups of tea I have made, how many cigarettes I have smoked, how much of the mundane tasks I have accomplished. Time is measured by how fast and how well I can recharge.
Sometimes, I am not able to recharge. I am forced to enter into a new week in a state of mental or emotional exhaustion. This is when I really have to be careful, because this is what can trigger the tidal wave of depression. At times like this, I don’t do a whole lot. I will find a piece of instrumental music, an incomplete musical phrase, that I can loop and I will set it in motion. I will play it nonstop in an effort to find rhythm. My rhythm. It will serve as life support for me until my own rhythm can function again on it’s own. Sometimes this takes a while. I know it is working when I find myself suddenly growing extremely emotional, as the endless repetition functions like a drill, penetrating my core and any blockages that are preventing me from finding my own natural rhythm again. Irritating if I resist it, hypnotic if I allow myself to be seduced by it. Almost a way of creating an illusion of stopped time. One moment, relived over and over except that, with each reiteration, new harmonics become perceivable. Eventually I will begin to hear more than what is playing. Eventually, the pain in my heart will begin to dissipate, and I will find resolution. Peace. Acceptance.
The trouble is, once I have been in this space, it becomes very difficult to exit it’s peaceful state. Modern life is almost a direct contradiction to it’s wave. Entering either world is a task that requires energy, flexibility and a great amount of fortitude.
I don’t know what I expected life to be like when I grew older, but I never expected this. I keep searching for understanding, of both myself, my worlds and others who are in them. For now, I will keep walking, one foot in front of the other, being careful not to lose my balance in this life without a handrail.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Cat as Catch Can
I’ve been keeping my nose to the grindstone for an extended period of time now. I have finally understood what it is that causes people to turn away from their inner imp and focus instead on hammering away at what seems to be important in this life. (Que The Pretenders song “Back on the chain-gang) Personally, I have been hurling that hammer against the seemingly unyielding rock of many aspects of my life. What starts with energy, drive, and determination eventually give way to a state of exhaustion. I find it difficult to continue to throw my hammer against that rock of my life, and when I cannot lift it over my head anymore I find that inner space where the energy of my desire and intent has balanced with the apparent lack of progress and my exhausted resignation to continue.
Sometimes I have to stop and weigh the progress of my work against the time and energy I have spent towards that endeavor. It becomes obvious that although progress is being made, that I either need to abandon the task or find a bigger hammer.
It started with a single big rock. (Que lyrics from Funkadelic’s “One nation under a Groove”) It was blocking my path and I was irritated by it. I yelled at it. I screamed at it. I kicked it. I threw my shoulder against it. I used the force on it. No matter what I did, that *&#@!!!!!### rock wouldn’t move.
It seriously pissed me off.
The power of it’s unyielding presence intimidated me. It frustrated me and inspired a fury within me that I have never known to date. A fury so powerful that it frightened those around me, and in my heart of hearts, it frightened me a little too.
It awakened the pure animal Spirit within me as I seemed to revert into my more base animal instincts. As I slashed and clawed, hissed and growled at the rock it became apparent in my rage that my totem was that of a big Cat.
When the only way out of place appears to be blocked by a big rock, I had two choices. Find a way to remove the rock, or, accept that the Creator and the Universe has blocked my path for a reason that I cannot see or understand.
And so the work began. As I brought my powerful hammer down upon that rock, I was given a sense of hope as small bits and pieces yielded to my strength and fell away. Encouraged, I increased my effort and more of this rock shattered under the force of my will.
I continued hammering away at the rock. Shards of the rock blew back at me and cut me. I continued with bloody hands and the sweat of my exertion blinded my eyes. Then I had a setback as I discovered that the rock had varying densities. The core of the rock was unbreakable. I tried everything, but it just wouldn’t yield. Anger became futility. Futility became sadness. Sadness became serious depression.
Eventually, I acknowledged that this was the end of that path.
So I decided (typically of me) that if I had to have this rock in the path of my life, that by God I was going to at very least leave my mark upon it. If my path of progress toward my desire and intent had been arrested (never mind that I really don’t know what that is), then I had no choice but to set up camp and figure out my next move. If I had to look at that rock every day then I was going to at least shape it into a more pleasing state. If this is to be where I am to stop, well then I would celebrate this rock as the milestone to the end of my travels and make it the centerpiece of my garden. I began on the soft pieces of the rock that I could remove easily. There was no thought to what I was doing. I merely cut away what seemed useless and unnecessary.
I worked on this rock for years. It occurs to me that I will likely spend the rest of my life hammering on this rock. But it really doesn’t matter, as I am trapped here, and there isn’t really anything else to do.
So I stopped for now. I’ve decided to rest. I’ve been chipping away on this rock for a very long time and I’ve never taken a break from the task since it started.
I threw the tools down and walked away from the rock.
For the first time since I began this project, I have laid eyes on what I have been unconsciously working on.
As I turned around to look at that rock, I realized that I had carved it into my own likeness.
As I stare at it in wonder and confusion, I realize that it’s beautiful.
Tears well up as I begin to have a glimmer of understanding of why it marks the end of that path, and why I will work on it for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I have to stop and weigh the progress of my work against the time and energy I have spent towards that endeavor. It becomes obvious that although progress is being made, that I either need to abandon the task or find a bigger hammer.
It started with a single big rock. (Que lyrics from Funkadelic’s “One nation under a Groove”) It was blocking my path and I was irritated by it. I yelled at it. I screamed at it. I kicked it. I threw my shoulder against it. I used the force on it. No matter what I did, that *&#@!!!!!### rock wouldn’t move.
It seriously pissed me off.
The power of it’s unyielding presence intimidated me. It frustrated me and inspired a fury within me that I have never known to date. A fury so powerful that it frightened those around me, and in my heart of hearts, it frightened me a little too.
It awakened the pure animal Spirit within me as I seemed to revert into my more base animal instincts. As I slashed and clawed, hissed and growled at the rock it became apparent in my rage that my totem was that of a big Cat.
When the only way out of place appears to be blocked by a big rock, I had two choices. Find a way to remove the rock, or, accept that the Creator and the Universe has blocked my path for a reason that I cannot see or understand.
And so the work began. As I brought my powerful hammer down upon that rock, I was given a sense of hope as small bits and pieces yielded to my strength and fell away. Encouraged, I increased my effort and more of this rock shattered under the force of my will.
I continued hammering away at the rock. Shards of the rock blew back at me and cut me. I continued with bloody hands and the sweat of my exertion blinded my eyes. Then I had a setback as I discovered that the rock had varying densities. The core of the rock was unbreakable. I tried everything, but it just wouldn’t yield. Anger became futility. Futility became sadness. Sadness became serious depression.
Eventually, I acknowledged that this was the end of that path.
So I decided (typically of me) that if I had to have this rock in the path of my life, that by God I was going to at very least leave my mark upon it. If my path of progress toward my desire and intent had been arrested (never mind that I really don’t know what that is), then I had no choice but to set up camp and figure out my next move. If I had to look at that rock every day then I was going to at least shape it into a more pleasing state. If this is to be where I am to stop, well then I would celebrate this rock as the milestone to the end of my travels and make it the centerpiece of my garden. I began on the soft pieces of the rock that I could remove easily. There was no thought to what I was doing. I merely cut away what seemed useless and unnecessary.
I worked on this rock for years. It occurs to me that I will likely spend the rest of my life hammering on this rock. But it really doesn’t matter, as I am trapped here, and there isn’t really anything else to do.
So I stopped for now. I’ve decided to rest. I’ve been chipping away on this rock for a very long time and I’ve never taken a break from the task since it started.
I threw the tools down and walked away from the rock.
For the first time since I began this project, I have laid eyes on what I have been unconsciously working on.
As I turned around to look at that rock, I realized that I had carved it into my own likeness.
As I stare at it in wonder and confusion, I realize that it’s beautiful.
Tears well up as I begin to have a glimmer of understanding of why it marks the end of that path, and why I will work on it for the rest of my life.
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