Happy Anniversary ...

To me! Whoo hoo!

April 2008 marks my being a part of the Austin Warrior community for a year now.

It's been a very tough topsy-turvy freak the hell OUT kinda year, but thanks to the love and support of my fellow Warrior Brothers, it was nothing I couldn't handle.

My deepest thanks and gratitude to the men who reached out a hand to me and invited me into their clan. It has been an honor to be included in a group of men who are dedicated to reaching out in assistance to other men.

As we continue forward in bringing together our dream of the Austin Warrior Training Center, I just wanted to honor you all for the time, energy and LOVE that you have shown me over the last year.

In the coming year, I will continue to work on myself and assist others in ...

"Holding space for the next man"

Ferocious Feline

Ham-let

This is something I wrote with the release of Gibsons remake of Hamlet. Enjoy.



HAMLET


SHAKESPEARES SPIRIT DOTH ROLL IN IT’S GRAVE
AS CLOSE TO GIBSON AS A PRATTLEING KNAVE
GOD KNOWS WHAT HE MEANT WHEN HE WROTE THE PLAY
OH HAMLET , DEAR HAMLET, WHAT DECISION HAVE YOU MADE?
IS IT BETTER TO PLAY DUMB, AND TURN THE OTHER CHEEK?
OR WILL ZEUS & APOLLO FIND YOU A BIT TOO MEEK?
IS IT BETTER TO MAKE THE BEST OF THE DEAL
AND WASH CLAUDS BRIGHT SCARLET FROM YOUR SHINING STEEL?
YOU THINK OF THE WAY, YOU SHOULD BEHAVE
BASED ON THREADBARE CUSTOMS, OR SHOULD YOU SAVE
YOUR SOUL IN FORGIVENESS, MAY DAD FIGURE HIS PEACE
THE KINGS TORMENT OVER YEARS YOU COULD KEEP
BUT AS IT WAS WRITTEN YOU DIE IN YOUR SLEEP
NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE CHANCE OF DEFEAT
THUS JOINING YOUR FATHER IN ETERNAL TORMENT
YOU THRICE LET HIM DOWN NO CHILDREN TO CARRY ON
NO HEIR TO THE THRONE AND YOUR MOTHER IS GONE
AT THE RISK OF APPEARING QUITE RUTHLESS AND MEAN
I MENTION YOUR LOVE THAT YOU KILLED FOR A SCREAM
DIDN’T YOU CARE ENOUGH FOR HER TO GIVE HER A WINK
FOR THE NEXT TIME YOU SAW HER, WAS FACE-DOWN, IN THE DRINK?
AND WHAT OF HER BROTHER, SO YOUNG AND NAIVE
THE KING PICKED HIM WELL FOR HIS NEXT EVIL DEED.
ARE YOU SURE OH HAMLET IN BRIGHT SHINING LIGHT
THAT YOU DID HIM NO WRONG IN ACCEPTING THE FIGHT?
HAMLET OH HAMLET SO FULL OF THYSELF
DID YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN WHEN THY POKED IN THY SNOUT?

Dog

AM I CAPTAIN OR AM I GRUNT
SPIRIT TO GUIDE ME, OR WILL I PUNT
THE BALL IN THE DIRECTION, THAT I AM TOLD
AND WHEN I KICK IT, WILL I BE GOLD
TO THE MAN, WHOMEVER, IT MAY BE,
WHO DRAGS MY LEASH WHEN I NEED TO PEE?

I AM A DOG FOR ALL SEASONS
I’M TAUGHT TO SIT, I’M TAUGHT TO BARK
I’M TAUGHT TO USE CAUTION, WHEN LEAVING MY MARK
I’M TOLD TO FOLLOW ALL OF THE RULES
AND WITHIN THE BOUNDRIES, I’M FREE TO CHOOSE
MY FATE
MUSTN’T PROCRASTINATE
IF I DO IT WILL BE TOO LATE
AND THEN I WON’T BE ABLE TO HAVE ANY CAKE
UNLESS I’M AN OFFICIAL ON THE TAKE
BETTER TO JUST SET THE DATE
CHASE $MONEY AND LEAVE DREAMS TO FADE
‘CAUSE MONEY IS SOMETHING GOOD TO YOU
AND DREAMS ARE JUST A PILE OF GOO.


IS LIFE AT WORK SOMETHING YOU HATE
OR CAN YOU WORK AND CONSIDER IT GREAT?
ALL I KNOW IS IN ORDER TO HAVE TIME
YOU MUST GIVE UP FORTUNE AND LIVE ON A DIME
AND IF PERCHANCE ITS MONEY YOUR NEEDEN’
THEN GIVE ALL YOUR TIME AND FORGET ABOUT FREEDOM.


Chiron’
Bad Labs©1992

Secret Agent's Dilemma

Doing the right thing.

Believe it or not...

human beings tend to always want to do the right thing. Usually, they do, too. It only becomes more difficult to make the correct choices, when those choices are counterbalanced by personal interest, or muddied by the confusion of trying to make choices for someone else’s “best interest”.

Once we allow ourselves to succumb to the temptation of making choices for someone else, even if it appears to be in their “best interest”, we are effectively eliminating that persons free will. If we take action to block someone’s free will, or through inaction, allow someone else’s free will to be lost, what would we really be doing? Can we honestly say that taking free will from another human being is the right thing to do? Sometimes the universe teaches us lessons in reverse. I’m referring to hardship. Doesn’t it follow then, that if a circumstance appears dire and we believe that someone is making the wrong choices, that to step in and make decisions that block or disallow that individuals free will is the wrong thing to do?

Beyond the consequence of obvious manipulation of the circumstance surrounding another human being, the REAL issue here is that in participating in such an event, we are basically displaying a lack of faith in the universe, or the Divine. We would be telling the Divine, “no, it’s okay God, I’ve got this one. I know what’s best for someone else, even more than you do.”

It is a curious question to think about. The evaluation of such a circumstance becomes further complicated by still other, even bigger questions.

When do I know the difference between feeling called to act, or participate in a particular situation, verses knowing when I should stand back and have faith that I am NOT intended to change the dynamic of a situation by my stepping in?

When do I do the “right thing” in the name of the Divine, and when do I simply leave a situation alone, and simply trust that if a situation exists, that it must exist for a reason that is unfathomable to me and that it is the intention of the Divine that the situation occurs at all?


Sometimes people make hard lessons. Sometimes it seems the Divine makes hard lessons.


I don’t know the answer to this question. It is a question I ask myself many times in the course of a month. For now, I have decided to use what my heart tells me to do. I believe if I keep my heart tuned into the right place, then it will guide me appropriately. Having said that, I prefer to let all Spirits KEEP their free will. I will find other means of nudging them back on the path if I am called to do so. I figure, that if I “head someone off at the pass” and make decisions that affect someone else without their participation, then I would effectively be a “highway robber” and I would prevent that Spirit from learning what they would normally learn if they choose a path I do not recommend. In the “spirit” of that quandary, I raise awareness of the crossroads, and leave you to choose your own path.

Marathon

The Kite Festival


Well, all week long I’ve been feeling anxious and tense without knowing what was going on.

This morning, I woke up and finally it hit me like an avalanche of pain.

Today is the Kite Festival.

For me, it’s an anniversary of sorts. Something that I really loved that I shared with someone I really loved. Someone who didn’t love me back.
I would love to be able to go, but I can’t. It’s still too painful. It’s incredible how something so innocuous can sneak up on me and just totally wipe me out with emotion.

I have been doing so much better lately, and now I feel like I have to start all over again. At times like this it feels like I will never escape this pain. Maybe the feeling will pass.


The magnitude of emotion that I am experiencing is really unbelievable. So powerful as to be able to seemingly wipe out all the sense of progress that I have made. It is able to minimize all of my accomplishments while maximizing my sense of futility, loss.


Lately it feels like my heart has been going through an obstacle course, and it hasn’t been doing very well. My tears blind me to what is up ahead. True to my nature, whether I clear the hurdles or not I keep going. It’s the only thing that I really know. . To just keep going. Like the stitch of pain in the side of a runner, the pain and emotion tries to disable me. Just keep going. Ignore the bloodcurdling screams of pain from within. Just keep going. Ignore the feelings of weak exhaustion and hopelessness. Just keep going. I have no understanding of where my destination lies, or why I find myself in this race. Just keep going. Eventually the pain and the run become one. Just keep going. Just keep going. Just keep going.

“Don’t Stop.”

Idle Thoughts...

Am I the only one who is getting more than a little pissed off about local government and their apparent lack of ability to prioritize and deal with the issue of high priced transportation?

The Government is seriously putting it TO us. Look at this.

Back in the day when gasoline was sub $2 a gallon it might have made a certain degree of sense to NOT deal with the issues of traffic, traffic flow, speed limits etc. However, NOW....it’s a different story.

The longer we wait to make this a red alert priority the more ALL of us will suffer.

I find it amazing that we have such a ridiculous situation as watching everyone completely freak out regarding the cost of fuel, yet, the number of tanks on the road has NOT significantly changed.

There was a time when drive through service was viable. At this point, I’m not sure we are doing ANYONE any favors by making window service at a drive-through available for any business that makes customers wait for longer than five minutes. Everywhere you look we have people waiting in a line of cars pumping exhaust into our fair city while accomplishing absolutely nothing. The streetlight situation is obscene. It didn’t really matter much in the past, what with 50% less cars on the road and fuel that was 50% the expense that it is today. But it certainly makes a difference now. Now, not only do we have more than twice as many cars on the road, idling in traffic at unnecessary stoplights, stuck in drive-throughs which are overloaded and take forever to get through, but also there is the flip-side of the argument. Once we actually get these vehicles packed onto the highway, and when traffic ISN”T at a dead standstill, why do we have speed limits which absolutely clog the highways ability to evacuate the traffic OUT of the area in a timely manner?

Am I the only one who sees that this is completely insane?

The solution.

Highways need traffic flow indicators spaced every so often which allow drivers to have advance warning of traffic conditions ahead. Speed limits need to be raised to 70m.p.h. in city limits and 80m.p.h. on the highway out of city limits. The law allowing people to pass on the right hand side of the road needs to be revoked. All passing should occur on the left hand side. The extreme right hand lane off an access road needs to have a speed limit which is low enough for people to actually have the ability to turn OFF and Get ON to it. Traffic lights THROUGHOUT the city need to me much more closely monitored for waste. They need to be synchronized and built with late night mode switching etc.

Folks, the more we bring traffic to a dead stop and having it sitting there, WAITING to move....the more unnecessary pollution we are pumping into the air in our fair city. The LONGER a trip takes to get from point a to point b, the more fuel we will expend, the more pollution we will create, the more stress we will place on our citizens tempers, wallets and their bodies. At a very basic level, this is bad for everything. Bad for business, bad for health, bad for creating unnecessary road rage, bad for creating excess pollution. Bad for making a trip across town cost a citizen much more than it has to.

We cannot do much about the explosive growth which has increased the number of cars on the roads, nor can we do much regarding the out of control inflation of the price of fuel. But what we, the citizens of this fine city CAN DO..........is make sure that when someone turns the key, that we aren’t flagrantly adding unnecessary pollution, frustration, and heat to our home here.

We do this by getting serious about dealing with the WAY we manage traffic on the roads. Keep vehicles moving....until they get to their destinations, and keep them moving to their destinations as fast as we can safely manage. Prevent.........cars from lining up on the highway to sit still and burn TONS of fuel while simultaneously producing TONS of pollution.

This isn’t something we need to talk about and kick around for a while.

This is something we need to deal with TODAY.

Staring into the Abyss...

All this time I have been desirous of being able to take the time to just stop.

To reflect, and ponder the state of my affairs, to stop and check for my position on the map and ensure I am still on my intended path or find out that I have wandered into the rough.

I had a curious twist of insight, when I realized that in my ulitmate frustration of not being able to get anything done, that no matter what my intention I wound up each time I had an opportunity to sit still......that sitting still has been just about ALL that I could accomplish. The frustrations mounted continuously until, poised at the brink of an incredible silent scream, I realized........that maybe sitting still is what I am being directed to do. That Spirit has stopped me dead in my tracks with neck problems for....a reason.

Funny how I wasn’t able to manage to put together into my head the curious synchronicity of having an overwhelming DESIRE to sit still and do nothing with the overwhelming physical circumstance of not being ABLE to do anything more than sitting still. Yet still, I fought it. I am conditioned by this world to believe that because it is my nature to be still and reflect that this is a bad thing. I have been conditioned by the necessity of playing catch-up all the time to experience extreme guilt or anxiety if I am not constantly using the free time I have to attempt to gain ground in regard to my to-do list.

But is that really it? Not just for me, I mean, but for all of us?

Could it be that the reason we have difficulty sitting still anymore is because we have difficulty dealing with our lack of purpose when no task defines us with it’s necessity?

Could it be?

To be able to sit still. To be able to acknowledge self in the silence of stillness is to not use the denial of the mundane to shy away from the issue that we all must....inevitably.....face.

What purpose do I serve? Why am I here? What the HELL is this all about?





Corny as it may sound, I’ve always believed that I was here to do one thing. I’ve always believed I was here for the primary purpose of giving love to everyone. Ok, there is that, but the primary reason I am here is to teach a little bit. Yet the primary reason I am here is to consume mass quantities of fresh pizza. Yup, that and the primary reason that I am here is to be the consumer of fine chocolate. That is, when I’m not doing my primary purpose of drinking only the best coffee. I try to work that in when I’m not doing my primary work, bringing hope and a smile to those who need it. But it’s not all sweetness and light you know, sometimes I have the unpleasant duty of my primary purpose, witch is to teach through adversity. To bring about the circumstances witch will enable a spirit to burn away all of it’s impurities, so that it may recognize it’s own divine reflection. However, my primary purpose here is to be a lover of women.
That is, until I have to fulfill my primary purpose of living by example. Then there’s that other thing, my primary purpose, which is to teach each and every human being I meet, of how incredibly special, and beautiful they are, which is usually a very difficult task because they have been taught otherwise. Sometimes, I am called on to engage in my primary purpose, which is to challenge belief structures and show that everything is all part of the same ...pie.

I guess until I am called upon for my primary purpose, I’ll just sit here a while and stare into the abyss.