Eh...

Whatever.

October...

My favorite month.

A period of time where we celebrate the maturation and death of the old, so that the phoenix within can rise from it's flaming embers and soar into the sky, reborn. Unfettered by the weight of the old, the dead, the discarded, the lost, and the pain I've carried from previous wounds.

I cannot believe it has been a year since we were here last. Since then I have experienced THE singular most hellish year of my life. I have learned many things in this year.

This year I lost it.

I lost my perception of what it means to have faith in human nature, what it means to have faith in God. I lost my perception of what it means to have faith in myself, and what it means to have faith in future. My future. Our future. The future.

I lost a great deal of my fear.

I lost a great deal of shame, guilt, shyness, and feelings of inadequacy.

I lost my one remaining grandparent this year. I didn't get to say goodbye..... again. At least they were all treated equally.

I lost someone else I cared about so much that I didn't think I could continue when she was gone. I don't know why she did what she did. I don't know why she couldn't be my friend. I don't know why she took my love and then tried to destroy me. My world revolved around her. Then I lost that world. Now, I'm losing my ability to care about her at all.

I lost many of my teeth, more of my hair. I lost hope.....and survived until I found it again. (from within) I lost many many misconceptions regarding my relationship to both myself and to others. I have been witness to many aspects of human behavior which although I knew about from my studies, I never conceived the difference between what I read in textbooks and the actual application of that knowledge through first hand experience.

I have seen some of the BEST aspects of human kindness, and some of the WORST aspects of human indifference, and malevolent acts of heretofore unknown levels of selfish manipulative ignorance or evil. (which I can only assume at this point were not personal to me but rather just expressions of personal pain and confusion).

I have observed how a female can cry wolf, and make it work for her. Socially, politically, and economically.

I have learned that no matter how sincere a person is, that no matter how much they appear to have your best interests at heart, that they can turn on you and stab you in the back. That they can do so without the slightest bit of discomfort from their conscious. Long term or short term. That in the disbelief OF their actions my subsequent re visitation to the scene of the crash for clarification, only made things worse. I discovered that when someone goes that far into denial, that trying to continue to communicate with them can cause repeated stabbings and even more pain. I have seen the face of a human being show gratuitous GLEE in the ACT of ultimate deceit. (something that, seeing as it was never re-addressed, will no doubt haunt me for years to come.)

I have learned that SOME people have the capacity for behavior like this after having promised that they would be friends forever, (no matter what happened within the “relationship”). A relationship which started under the premise of being an overt demonstration of “unconditional love”.

I have learned aspects of people in a small community, and the dynamic of how people will choose sides and support a master manipulator. I have seen the incredible dynamic of how the “blame the victim” game works in human nature. How it is far easier to believe that a victim has caused their own suffering than it is to believe that what the victim was saying was in fact, the truth. The reason behind this phenomena is strangely simple. To believe that what a victim of a crime has said, opens up the deeper unspeakable horror to which every human being must instantly go into self protective denial over......that sometimes the most incredibly bad things can happen to any person at any time, for any reason, with no warning, and with no provocation, and sometimes, without ever even being allowed the benefit of knowing why. It's MUCH easier in a world where everything has a nice neat cause and effect relationship to expect that if something bad happens to a person, well then it simply MUST have been a reaction from something that the victim has done. I have learned that most of us actually live our lives and make our daily choices.........out of fear.

Through all of this, after waiting patiently, (and sometimes impatiently) for resolution, I have also discovered much to my horror, that there really ARE people out there who can do these things, and clearly, never look back or feel the slightest obligation to effect any degree of repair to the person they have destroyed with their deceit, treachery, or just plain over the top and off the charts levels of cruelty.

I have seen how far and how deep the depression caused by betrayal, hopelessness and futility can go.

I have stood at the edge of emotional abyss, and I have spat over that edge, in defiance of that path.

I have learned that no matter how much in earnest people will tell you that they will be there for you...that sometimes, they just aren't. Sometimes, it's not even something you can fault them over.

Usually, it's when you need them the most.

Sometimes people just look after their own interests. MOST OF THE TIME, people just look after their own interests. (This was truly a sad and unexpected revelation to me) {Can you say naive, anyone?} I mean, what is this game that some women play where they push you to see if you care enough to assist them, and then once you show that you will, then they start abusing your concern for them? American Princess syndrome out of control?

I have been shown, consistently, that I am NOT to reach out to anyone. Because the moment I do, the moment I drop my guard and open up, they will no longer want my attention. It's as if they have finally gotten a look inside a locked box and no longer have any interest once their curiosity has been sated. Perhaps they are merely looking for answers of their own, and it is merely the action of leaving no stone unturned, no box unopened in their search for those answers that this phenomena occurs? We are all searching. Half of us don't even know what it is that we are searching FOR. Because of this, I will not stop reaching out. I will not stop. I will not let the experiences I have had which burned me for reaching out KEEP me from reaching out again. I cannot.

I have found some things too.

I have found that people are both at their best, and at their worst, when they are in pain.
I have seen that often, a persons ability to reach out and help another person who is in pain is directly related to how much pain they have known in their lifetime. How much pain they can endure. How much of another's pain they will willing allow themselves to experience.

I have experienced issues of loyalty.
I have known both the loyal people in my life.....................and the others.

I learned this year just how much my family loves me. Family members who are both blood relatives and otherwise. I have learned that sometimes the best thing you can ever do for someone, is just to leave them alone, let them find their own way. I have learned what unconditional love really means. (the lesson just came from many instead of just a single person).

I have learned that sometimes I must be stern with those I love in order to really assist them. To really Love them. This includes myself. I have learned that I may love someone without needing that love returned. I have learned how to teach.

I have learned how to ALLOW................ myself.

So I have learned self reliance. I have learned strength. I have forced myself to learn to sink spiritual roots DEEP into mother earth, and stretch my arms HIGH into father sky, reaching. I have learned that I am enough. I don't need anyone else to complete me. I have learned that time spent alone can be either the most bottomless pit of emptiness, or the most peaceful cradle of self nurturance, and only personal mood control over circumstance will ever dictate... Witch.

Sun Day

What a beautiful day today.
Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but life seems to be “throttling up” again. I have gone from a position where I didn't have much social interaction to the complete opposite. (and I'm loving it)

One of the things I have been raised with all my life has been the knowledge that it takes roughly 3 years for things to fall into place whenever you enter into a new environment. I am excited to see that this rule is still correct and that now I am seeing and feeling much more connected in my home here in Austin, Texas. I am reminded of that song by Peter Gabriel, “Contact”. It is just so amazing to meet and enjoy all these new people in my life. New pathways opening up as I discover more about myself through the various connections. Older friendships are becoming more sacred as I get additional perspective on the people who have always been there for me. The people who refused to let go through the trials and tribulations of time. They give me the extraordinary gift of common history. What better gift is there than the love of people like this in your life? Reconnected friendships from older lovers and friends from the past help keep me centered and grounded through all the change. You know, I think that statement we've all heard about how you know where you are at by the people you have in your personal sphere of influence is really true. I am discovering that I feel the quality of my life has been greatly enhanced by the energy of all these connections; new, rekindled, and old. I offer my profound gratitude to all of these people.

Of course there are some holes in my history, friends that I had to move away from who I have lost contact with, old lovers who I would enjoy reconnection with, old employers who I wonder how time has treated. Some of those people may eventually find their way back to me, and that would be a good thing. I'm enjoying my facebook and myspace pages, as both allow for the possibility of this, although I must say that I'm not nearly proficient enough to be able to do all the fantastic things I have seen people do with their pages yet.

It is said that you cannot change the world, that you can only change your view of it. By changing your own view of the world though, you can actually experience a shift in your reality. I am beginning to experience this type of shift. It's a beautiful thing. What's even more beautiful, is that anyone can do it. Have a great Sun Day.

Love Chiron'

Cold

Some people take pride in their ability to be cold. How sad is that?

Over Fences

Can you just IMAGINE what life must have been like when people were actually not only encouraged but EXPECTED to think for themselves? A period in time when the average persons OPINION counted for as much as any supposed EXPERT, simply because of the knowledge of FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE?
Think about this in terms of the sheer numbers of people who have been victimized one way or another by someone Else's knee jerk labeling of behavior based on information which may in and of itself be sound, but only sound with ALL the dynamic variables of the equation COMPLETELY accounted for.
(the fine print which basically destroys any credibility of the suggested data when applied to an equation which the dynamic variables haven't even been addressed, much less accounted for)
Seen in this light, this condition resembles something more of a social disease than anything else.
So what does all of this indicate? What does it all mean?
What it indicates is the replacement of the human element of emotional experience or wisdom by cold statistical science. Where once we were a tribal people, who sought out the elders for sage advice or perspective, now we have replaced them and their warm human wisdom, intimately acquainted with human nature because of years of first hand personal experience, with statistical correlation or facts by the numbers.
It started with fences. Once, the land wasn't subdivided. It just was. For everyone. Then, as individuals began to attempt to gain control over land, they fenced it off. Now, all of the land is fenced off. Then individuals began to attempt to control each other, and fenced each other off. Once humanity had fenced itself in physically, it began to fence itself in mentally. Society, culture, rules, etiquette, ..........behavior. The human spirit wasn't designed for this. This is a sickness. This is why there are millions of people suffering from depression. Depression is our body's way of telling us that things aren't right. Our solution these days is to do what we always do in the mindless pursuit of power and money....ignore the Spirit. Treat the depression with drugs to trick the body into accepting the unacceptable. Fence in every possibly definable behavior and stick a label on it. Choke the Spirit down, gain control. Exploit control. This model is repeated in every aspect of human existence on this planet. The fact that now we are all networked together only allows us to see when one of us cannot take the denial of their Spirit anymore. We get the information in a flash. Someone cracked, someone lashed out and killed. What sort of behavior is that? Don't we have a pill for that? What answer does the bible of psychology have for that? Now we have global warming....never mind that, look what's going on over in fence section 33b.........people are killing each other......over fences.

Re: Closure...imho (from BBS posting)

While going through the various local bbs postings I stumbled upon an ongoing argument regarding people's various expectations regarding giving closure to an ex-lover. I was amazed at some of what I saw there, horrified, stunned about how some of the people were so vicious to their ex-lovers. It seems that more and more the incessant need for humans to be competitive at all costs is tearing down the greatest aspects of human civility. Certainly unhealthy competition between the sexes cannot be a good thing. I don't feel I was 100% in the development of this idea, but it got the basic idea across. In that vein, I posted this:

Closure:
I personally find it of great interest that we as a group of people have such a completely messed up process for getting women and men together. We start out the process and it IS a GRAND competition. Women for the most part do their best to attract partners using their sex appeal. (historically because I would guess that not too many men are attracted by their respective level of financial, social, or otherwise personal definitions of success.)
Women pit men against each other in order to find the alpha male. They may be unaware that they do this, but they do. This goes back to primitive reproductive strategy.

The point is here.....is that it IS a competition for mates.

Where it gets strange is, that AFTER a couple has become exclusive, then suddenly we all like to relax. We like to kid ourselves that the elements of competition are no longer in play. The partners are matched and that is the end of the competition. Yet, that's really not what goes on. Everything is fine so long as both partners are happy, but once ONE of the participants in the relationship begins to have wandering eyes, well then the competition aspect comes BACK into play. (whether or not the poor partner is aware of it or NOT) At this point the partner in the relationship who is loyal and happy will be being judged by the other participant in the relationship. The one with wandering eyes will be silently comparing their companion to OTHER possible companions WITHOUT their companions knowledge. (My experience indicates that woman are especially guilty of this behavior, as it ALSO is a very primitive behavior built into human females reproductive strategy.) But I will be fair and recognize that it's likely that it has it's share of men who also engage in this behavior.

To clarify: now we have a situation where ONE partner thinks the relationship is solid, while the OTHER partner has re-opened the element of competition by comparison and contrast between what they have, what is available, and what they want.

This is usually, obviously the point at which the relationship breaks down. The unskilled people engaging in this behavior will unknowingly alert their partner that they are becoming critical and experiencing wandering eyes. However the SKILLED people engaged in this behavior DO SO WITHOUT THEIR PARTNER EVER REALIZING WHAT IS GOING ON. The HIGHLY skilled partner can not only engage in this behavior but may actually engage with other partners on the side and manage to juggle them all without any of them becoming the wiser.
EVENTUALLY, the partner engaging in this behavior will make a selection between one or more of the partners they have and the partners who don't make the cut are completely BLINDSIDED. They will experience extreme distress because they believed the relationship was doing okay. They put forth their trust in the other individual and were loyal to them, they took their partner at their word, and are nearly destroyed at the complete betrayal of their “love”.

This is the point where we come to the topic of CLOSURE. The people who are the MOST GUILTY of engaging in this behavior are also usually the people who feel absolutely NO OBLIGATION to OWN UP to their behavior. They are usually the people who have the biggest problem with providing their ex partners with reasons why the relationship didn't work out. The reasons why they feel that way in this model are fairly obvious. They do not wish to allow the betrayed partner to know of their behavior. It is interesting to note that they also usually become absolutely rabid at even the slightest SUGGESTION that they owe their ex any type of explanation. The reason for that is also obvious. They have no integrity and to own up to their behavior is beyond them, because they basically feel that it is within their right to do this to another human being and they are not responsible for the pain and suffering their lack of integrity has caused. It is usually one of the behaviors found in the repertoire of less mature people.

Closure is when you give the previous partner the reasons why you feel it necessary to dissolve the connection. It is a behavior that comes between two mature adults who do in fact care for one another and yet realize that the partnership isn't working out. Closure is the opportunity for a partner who hasn't been 100% honest about their feelings or change of heart to communicate this in a mature polite way to the person that they USED to consider worthy of their connection. Closure has NOTHING to do with competition. It has NOTHING to do with being spiteful or nasty during the course of a breakup. Closure is something that happens between two EVOLVED human beings who otherwise cannot or will not continue a partnership.

It's a sign of CLASS people. You don't have to offer it to your ex, but if you do it, and you are honest, it does make you a better person.

Lattice of coincidences.....

I remember back when I was much younger that a movie that really struck a chord with me was the movie "Repoman". Mostly tongue in cheek, the story held various seeds of wisdom in it which are only now beginning to really mature and come to fruition in me. In the movie, it brings up the topic of synchronicity and how we all have at one time or another experienced this weird but exciting "lattice of coincidences". Something about how you can just be walking along, minding your own business and then just when you least expect it.....(cue twilight zone theme)
Something happens which reflects what you were thinking of. You see visual confirmation of something that's bubbling up from your deep subconcious mind or spirit. Some quotes from the flick are : "it's all part of a cosmic unconciousness" "I think a lot about these things.....I do my best thinking on the bus. That's why I don't drive, see.....the more you drive?..........the less intelligent you are"

Amusing at first.....but upon closer examination you can expand that kernal of wisdom into a full recognizable state. What is the main difference between what happens to us when we ride the bus verses when we drive a car? Answer: When we ride the bus, we relinquish our desire to control where we are going. We have faith that the bus will take us where we need to go in due time. When we drive, almost nearly the opposite is true. We take an active role in working our will.......over the machine, over the environment, over the other spirits on the road. We delude ourselves about how we are IN control. Once we get behind the wheel, why, we are MASTERS of our own universe eh? It's very hard to listen to the Universe and hear what it is trying to tell US, when we are too busy trying to become it's master....

This is a great model for my life, and I'll wager, most peoples lives. I have to ask myself why it is so important for me to BE..........the master of my own universe. To fully understand that, we must ask ourselves what our unconcious purpose has been at the end of every day. We are all animals living in a concrete jungle. Our unconcious purpose is just to survive. We are all attempting to get our needs met. We all vary in the degree of that particular struggle....but we all struggle with it, make no mistake. I don't care WHO you are. Those who have accumulated enough wealth not to worry about meeting their basic needs...........have created NEW needs that they must struggle to accomodate. I'm quite sure their desire to fulfill these self created needs is just as dire as those trying to meet their basic needs. And so it goes.....no matter what state of wealth you are in, you are ending the day just trying to get through the concrete jungle in one piece while fighting to meet your needs. "You may find yourself in a beautiful house and you may ask yourself, well?.........How, did I get here"

So okay, we are all trying to be the masters of our universe so that we might have some level of control, some degree of reflection of our will manifested and displayed for us in our respective worlds. ........And then?............and then?...........and then?
Ultimately.....we all are trying to cheat death. Our desire to become master of our universe is nothing more than our own attempts to control the apparent inevitable. We all want a say.
Hell, people contemplating suicide........take them for example. What is it they are REALLY saying? Could they be saying that they want control over their own demise and if they have to instigate their demise in order to have a say about when and how and where it happens.....?
Don't get me wrong.....I don't mean to make light of the topic of someone's extreme distress, but I'm just trying to get it all into perspective.
Opposite Death there is Love, excuse me, I mean Life. ; )

When we love another person, what are we to expect? Of course we desire to see our own love impulse reflected back to us from those we love, but today's lesson brings into sharp focus the error of this way of thinking and being.

What IS love anyway? We all seem terribly convinced that we need it. Most of us appear to languish in pain and loss and despair if we don't feel that we are getting it. But I ask you, do you know love? Ask yourself. "Do I KNOW love?" What does having the love of another really mean? How do I know if I have ENOUGH love? I mean, I need this love stuff, and from the sound of it and the affect I have seen in others who are apparently IN love....surely the stuff must be in very short supply. Surely it must be a priceless commodity, because I cannot BUY love. I can not TRADE for love. I only know that from the inside of my heart and soul that I know that I DESIRE love. I know that I feel unhappy if I feel like I am not getting it.....or ENOUGH of it. Once again, I ask you, do you KNOW love?

What if I were to suggest that LOVE is really the same as LIFE? With LIFE being the same as ENERGY? Surely we all have had at least one point in our lives where we can recognise the smell taste and feel of this love stuff? Given that it's so precious, so hard to get and once you've got it, then you have to worry about keeping it, right? Guarding it? Hording it? Do we do that?
My answer is yes, we do. Love is lifeforce. Life energy. We all get and store as much of it as we possibly can. Most of our lives are like this giant easter egg hunt where we aren't content to find a single egg. We must find ALL the eggs. We must have more eggs than ANYONE ELSE! So it seems to be about love.

And now for something completely...............confusing?

What if I were to tell you that there is really ONLY ONE WAY to get, and keep love?
I'm sure you all know the answer already. I'm serious. You do. You just may not recognise that you know it. The answer is, the ONLY way to GET.............AND KEEP.......LOVE.........is to give it away. You cannot HOLD ON to love. It doesn't work that way. Love is like a river. It's constantly moving. When you give love to someone else....you tap INTO that river. You divert it THROUGH you on it's way to who you give it to. If you were to hold ON to love....love would not flow and love would stop. Love is the essence of the Divine. It is "The Force" from Star Wars. It is the lifeforce energy of this planet. You don't LOOK for love. You can not. You can only GIVE love. The bit about, "if you love someone then set them free, if they come back to you then they love you, if they don't you never had them in the first place" is totally wrong. When you GIVE love, you are nourished by the giving. That is all you need. ALL the love that is in you that you will ever need is accessed by the GIVING of that love to someone else who needs it. It is THIS LOVE that connects us all. It transcends all religion, it is the only thing we need to do and it is the only thing we really need. Love freely. Feel the Divine. "turn the other cheek", "Love thy enemy", "I'll pray for you"...........this is all the same thing. Give love to all you see who need it, and be nurished by the Divine in the process of giving it.

Maybe that's what John Lennon was trying to tell us? Maybe that's what all the different prophets throughout all the differing religions were trying to tell us?
Love Freely and without looking for reciprocation. It IS.........it's own reward.
Love Chiron'