Twilight in the Desert

Windows to the Soul.

2011-11-18T08:12:00.000-08:00

A Woman has the power to dictate her every day.

Like a butterfly, She can light upon the space she stands

and channel in every way.

She can tilt and twist that directed at her from distress back into peace.

The sweetness of her quiet dignity, arresting all without a crease.

The stillness of her presence unmoved by doubt and fear, her sensitivity heightened

means now and then a quiet tear.

A woman in good alignment craves not the worship of those in her care, because,

A woman of good consignment carries the Goddess far and near.

America the Beautiful...

2011-07-04T18:40:00.000-07:00

America.

The United States.

Land that I love.

Land of the free…….BECAUSE……..of the Brave.

This land is your land. This land is my land. This land is home to you and me.

There are many in the world whose lives have been irrevocably impacted by the values that America represents. America has been the big brother to the world for quite a while now. The world has looked at its people with a variety of emotion. America is like the big brother that other kids in the playground would ominously warn aggressors about. Who would have thought that, as adults, we play out the very same routines that occurred on the playground?

Times change.

As times change so do people.

The virility of the strength of America has always been its sheer number of people with shared values. The “melting pot” worked. It didn’t matter where you came from, what you had been through to get here, once you were an American Citizen, you were accepted. Included. Respected. Cherished. Honored. It is because of this many seek to serve in the world’s largest VOLUNTEER military. Those who come from places without the freedoms that many Americans take for granted, KNOW, what the value of this country is, and they often seek to bond with it by offering to defend it for a few years,….at least, historically.

Times change.

America is no longer the melting pot. People who come to America do not leave behind the customs and loyalties and language from whence they came. As a result, America is weakened. No longer is America composed of a unified resolve regarding such simple concepts as morality, honor, and respect.

America is beset on all sides by the tyranny of weak and evil men, and she is suffering.

The WORLD will become a vastly different place without the backbone of America to take a leadership position on any given topic. America serves the world even if the world isn’t in agreement with America. By offering a fixed position, America creates a framework by which others measure their own position.
“The American Dream” has always merely been a dream, but our pursuit of it has unified all of us for many years. It isn’t a “white man’s dream”. It’s the dream of liberty. Freedom. The ability to work hard to make ourselves happy without fear that the fruits of our labors will be taken away from us.

Times change.

People change.

When people no longer believe in their country, then that country will cease to exist.

Those who do not know history, are doomed to repeat it.

It’s not too late to turn all this around.

To do so will require a collective conscious effort. To do so means that we must convince newcomers that what they came here for in the first place was attractive to them because it was a GOOD thing.

To do so means that we must dispense with all of this “politically correct” HORSESHIT, and remember and honor what it means to be a GOOD CITIZEN OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

We can do it.

We can be stronger than ever before.

But this is one issue that we must not turn away from, it is something we cannot simply agree with and leave to “others” to do. It will take all of us. We MUST REMEMBER THAT OUR SIMILARITIES ARE GREATER THAN OUR DIFFERENCES. We must realize that the American flag does NOT represent republicans or democrats or government. It represents US.

YOU AND ME.

Your weird neighbor and the homosexual couple down the street. The religious, the poor, the wealthy, the challenged, the struggling, and the plain. US.

Happy Birthday America.

I love you.

Chiron

Carrier Wave

2011-04-20T00:10:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while something happens. Something seemingly insignificant on the surface, and yet, there is a part within that for a split second, Is blinded by a flash of lightening insight.
Something somewhere aligns with something else and there is almost a perceptible “click” as two pieces come together in a union most satisfying.
It’s strange how we can perceive something while in the perfect darkness. Our perceptions of it change based on where we are in reference to its position. We strain the limits of our perception as we attempt to ascertain what it is, its size, shape, or texture. The feelings that are evoked within our hearts can ring out in harmonic sympathy to it, like sonar. We know that it is there, but we are forced to continually ping for it, reaching to match perception with understanding. We do this until quite unexpectedly we stumble across it for a millisecond, and are at once blinded by its brilliance.
If we are not careful to stop quickly enough, we will lose it, and its mystery will haunt us long thereafter.

Such is the apparent mechanism describing my Spiritual safari. As I continue to evolve, I have recognized patterns not only in the way that I discover information, but also in the way that I am somehow subconsciously aware of HOW and WHEN to self trigger such a discovery. I have become aware, for example, by no means I am able to adequately understand for the purpose of description, able to discover a film, or a book, or and experience, which I will somehow knowingly set aside, sometimes for months, until the time is right for me to trigger it. I can tell you that it’s somehow linked to some kind of time scheme, of which I am most assuredly not the author, but that’s about all I can muster for the sake of a description. It is enough however, to reassure myself that my tour through this often bizarre wonderland is in fact a guided one, and not a self directed endeavor.

Tonight I finally popped the cork on one of these interesting little “time capsules”. It was one I had discovered much earlier and set aside for reasons unknown. The name of the film is “Revolver”, and I can only describe it as more of an experience than it resembles a story. Imagine my stunned excitement to realize it was a Luc Besson film…
With any discovery of considerable magnitude there is often created in me a type of anxiety. It is the nature of the beast that anything which might be a considerable piece to the puzzle may have dramatic repercussions regarding my personal model of the Universe, my subjective reality and the inclusive common reality’s and their variants that cluster together. A new discovery of serious proportion can be upsetting because it may bring answers to questions, or, it may just bring bigger more consternating questions. I think that this is what the variable of timing has to contribute to the equation. If the timing of an important puzzle piece is off, it may be inadvertently dismissed. However, when the timing for the release or discovery of new information is appropriate, it can act as a catalyst which stimulates curiosity down a completely new path. There is also a dark side to discovery; the unnamed fear that I have been going in the wrong direction, or that my conclusions are not sound. Sometimes, very rarely, I encounter a condition where a new piece of information is somewhat unsettling because I knew it already, but the emphasis of what I thought I knew was not accented correctly, and new information pushes a definitive emphasis in a whole new way.
Such is the case with the film “Revolver”.
This is a film with a message so big, that it’s really quite amazing that they were able to shoehorn it into such a seemingly unremarkable vehicle for dissemination. It likely should have a warning label on the jacket which states, “Warning: Objects may be closer than they appear, do not view this film alone if you have a history of higher thinking, or have experienced concurrent déjà vu’”. So, if you haven’t seen this film, there is your warning. You’ll want to really prepare yourself for a message, and ensure there is no distraction.
Now. Go take a look.

The King…has left the building

2010-12-18T21:19:00.000-08:00

I was going through my film collection and I decided to re-view one of my films. I was about half way through it when I felt something in my head click. It was actually kinda freaky.

All of the elements are there. I can’t believe I never saw it before.

We are nerve-wracked by his behavior before we have any sense of who he is, or, what he wants.

We are awestruck with his enormity; the unstoppable force of his Will, and the physical strength with which he enforces it.

We are terrified at what we perceive to be his unpredictable anger, until such time that his wrath becomes the shelter of our protection.

We long to communicate with him, but communication seems limited to what he will show us.

All of these qualities weigh heavily upon us, as we attempt to formulate the concept of who he is, but it is this final quality which leaves us with our mouths wide open in confusion and wonder.

We are mystified that as small and seemingly insignificant as we appear to be, that such a creature could find us lovable. Not just appealing, but that he could know something about us from a look, that is so valuable to him, that he would be willing to lay down his life to protect it.

The very necessity of his desire to safeguard us, providing him with a previously unknown purpose.

The statement was made, “It wasn’t the planes that killed him. Beauty killed the beast.”

It wasn’t physical beauty which killed the beast; it was the beauty of our innocence.

The story of King Kong is the story about our relationship to God.

It is the story that we will accidentally destroy God with our ignorance and our fear.

So what is it that we really mean to convey when we say, “The King…has left the building”?

Constructive Deconstruction

2010-12-11T12:11:00.000-08:00

A little bit of cooking for the holidays.

The New Year is coming around the corner, and with it comes all the anxiety that we create for ourselves regarding our personal progress in our lives. Let’s take a quick look at how we create ourselves and what ingredients are in the mix.

The real question that I have to ask myself is:

Who do I want to BE?
Each year we have the opportunity to break away from what has been (what WE…have been) and we have the capacity to re-invent ourselves. Reality is based upon our perception of it. Our view of the world is largely filtered by who we believe ourselves to be. It is shaped by the beliefs that we hold in regard to what we believe is possible for us, and also by that which we believe is outside of our reach. I’d like to focus on tossing MOST of that away. Start with a clean counter. Get out your cutting boards, and let’s just have a look at what we can make.

When I get to the point where I am conscious of a desire (or a need) to remake myself, it’s rather like working in the kitchen. Am I looking for a recipe book? Or do I feel confident enough in my own ability to create something wonderful from scratch? It’s actually best to start with the recipe that I have used to create myself from last year. It’s much easier to make small experimental shifts in my concoction than it is to daringly throw something together completely from scratch. After all, I DO NEED a good point of reference right?
When I am mixing values and traits, how much of the cookbooks baseline do I use for my creative endeavor? How much do I use from last year’s recipe? How much of the spice of my personal creativity do I use?
How much do I incorporate from the given of what others believe is true, (the acceptable norm) verses how willing am I to go out on a limb to create something in myself which is truly unique?
Once I decide to mix the proportions, it is EXTREMELY important that I follow through. Nothing will guarantee my unhappiness at a later date more than my creating a recipe for a character that I cannot or will not complete. I must remain mindful not to set my expectations for myself higher than my ability to stretch out to reach that goal. Equally, I must set my expectations for my personal growth high ENOUGH, to make a personal challenge of the endeavor, or I will not experience the growth I desire to have.

Baby steps.

So, let’s get a general idea of where we want to go for the rest of our lives, but most importantly, let’s keep it manageable and set our timer for simply the next year. (Because NEXT year, we will bake again!)
I can start with what I know I have already experienced. I can decide to add to my personal recipe things that I see needed an adjustment from last year. I can add new feelings I have as a result of last years’ growth to the mix, while removing some of the ingredients which didn’t quite work out. Things that took away from the finished product or aspects that didn’t add to its aesthetic appeal.
It is important for me to remember in this process that I can be WHOEVER I want to be. I can shock friends and relatives by throwing in a new spice, or I can add more of what I know that they already like. Whatever I decide, I must remember that I am not creating this recipe for them. I am creating it for myself. I am the one who must continue to be challenged. I am the one who I am creating for in the first place. This is my life. What do I want to experience? It is up to me to play in the kitchen with my recipe of who I am until I am satisfied. This is my most basic freedom. It is my most basic right. It is also…my most precious GIFT…to the Divine, to myself, to my loved ones, and to the world.

So….get your apron on and get busy!

Happy Holidays.

Deleterious Delirium

2010-04-17T21:54:00.000-07:00

As I sit here feeling like I am on my deathbed, I am reminded in the most curious of ways how the Divine likes to get my attention. I don’t like to come off as preachy or melodramatic, my motivation is actually much more self-centered than anything like that. I grew up in a world where I fell in love with many things; I also grew up in a world that taught me to fear nearly everything and every one. In one of the conversations I had with the Divine as a much younger man, I was told that it is up to us, each Spirit upon this earth, to shape this planet into what it is that we consider comfortable. From that point on, I have done my best to help where I can to affect the changes necessary for this world to be more comfortable for myself, and others like myself, to exist in. I wanted a place to live where people were free to be who they are, from the INSIDE. From where we most closely resemble the essence of what the Divine created us to be; not from the outside where circumstances and convention and all the other dynamics occur to effectively twist and distort our Spirits away from the Divine expression of what we were meant to be actually was. Her Grace assured me that this was a noble path to take but warned me of the potential of discomfort. Of course, being young, and brash, I did what most insolent youngsters do and cast aside all warnings of danger. Part of the luxury of youth is the gross incomprehension of time, and the accompanying knowledge that youth and erroneous perceptions of indestructibility wind up being only a small portion of our lifetime. I knew I had to start small though, so I began one person at a time. Each time I saw a person I could help, I did. For a while this process seemed to be working, although honestly it became something of a conundrum when it appeared that I was making myself out to be a person who more closely resembled a doormat than a human being trying to help others. I found out much later down the road that people are just so not used to someone being good to them, that they wind up being suspicious of my motives, and some, sadly, actively undermined me in an attempt to stop or otherwise disrupt what it is that they saw in me. Eventually this started showing up in my attempts to build a career. Eventually, this manifested itself upon my Spirit in the form of negative self esteem.

I never gave up though, and I will continue this process for as long as I am able.

Those of you who have followed me for any length of time know that I tend to be somewhat opinionated. Outspoken. The previous experiences in my lifetime have helped thicken my skin to the danger of being the one in the crowd who will speak up when things aren’t right. I have many battle scars as a result of undertaking the counter-attack against what I consider to be wrong. Now, while it’s certainly true that as I write this, I cannot actually see unless I close one eye, and I am sitting in a puddle of my own sweat, my head is pounding with an urgency that suggests I may not be around too much longer, there is just this one thing I wish to impress upon any and all who would listen.

I am not any more special than any of you are.

I just elected to suffer the consequence of seeing my will through to the end.
(whether that end be my own, or that of the battle)

EACH of you has the ability, the capacity, the strength and the courage to stand up for what you believe in.

The ultimate test is overcoming your OWN personal objections as to why you cannot, should not or will not do so. You were born with an intrinsic sense of right from wrong, long before you had any person, group, religious doctrine or patriotic flag to tell you the difference. If you look for it in your heart, you’ll find it. It’s waiting for you to listen.

If enough of us stop this process of perpetuating the status quo, if enough of us can begin to see that we are all the same, if ENOUGH of us reach out to one another and realize that bitter people are HURT people….we just might have a chance of turning the tide. It has nothing to do with how much or how little money you make, how well or little known you are, how strong or how weak you are. It has to do with how much you care. It has to do with how much of your original Divinity you can recall. It has to do with your ability to realize that you are living in a very small drop of water, on a leaf, growing on a much bigger pond.

I’m amazed sometimes at how the Divine likes to get my attention. When she wants me to stop, believe me, she’ll find a way. Sometimes I have trouble sitting still. Always I have trouble arresting my mind. With this sickness, she’s managed both.

Ok I gave the message ………..so can I get better now?

Message in the Bottle

2010-03-19T18:03:00.000-07:00

For Penny,

(Written with David Gilmour’s “Near the End” playing in the background)

Life is hard.

It can be a wonderful adventure, or a harrowing tale, but all of it, both the good and the bad, teaches us the lessons that we need to learn in order to get to that next level.

Observing the world means that we each, must create a mirror image of that world inside of ourselves. It reflects what we have been exposed to, the things that we witness, the experiences we have had, the people we have known and the things that they tell us about ourselves. It is the place inside of us where our virtual parents live, and where they continue to exist long after they have passed from this plane of existence. We build this world unconsciously; we add programming or content to it every day. It is the place where everything that we “know”, resides.

Within that world, is a dark place where we store our pain. A treacherous place, because like the scene of a grisly car accident, it is a place where we cannot bear to visit, yet we spend a great deal of time there. We return to it often trying desperately to gain some measure of understanding from an experience that went horribly wrong, or was otherwise damaging to us. It is the graveyard where the ghosts of lost love reside. Not just the lost love of a partner or companion, but the lost love of a parent or a guardian as well. In the center of this cemetery is a grave where some of us may be shocked to discover a tombstone with our own name on it. The tombstone marks the loss of love that we have for ourselves.

Within this grave are all of the reasons why we feel like we are unlovable. The secrets, the compulsions, the evil deeds, the passionate wanton cruelty to another, the ugly compulsion to protect ourselves by seizing power over others….the things that bring us shame and fear. For many of us, the amount of time we spend staring down into this deep dark whole, is as secret as this hidden cemetery is in the first place.

But it’s there, and we all go to stand next to our own graves of lost love more than any of us likely admit. Most of us find coping strategies to deal with the pain of one sort or another, but most of those “strategies” create even more problems and actually add to the gravesite more reasons to come back to the edge and stare, ponder, wonder and despair, at why we do these things to others, and why we do these things to ourselves?

As I look back into the crystal ball of my own world, I recall the faces of those I have looked up to who have folded while struggling to come to an accord with the demons that live in that grave. Layne Staley, Kurt Cobain, and my grandfather Leslie Caldwell just to name a few. Each of them stood too close to that grave, and eventually, they were pulled into it by the demons they had buried there.

The riddle of the message in the bottle is as old as humanity itself. Like the pirates of old have often sung about, those who crawl far enough into the bottle to discover the message, usually take that message to the grave with them. The Dead tell no tales. Layne did his best to document his decline, hoping that those with ears to hear, and understand, would learn from his mistake. I interpret the name of his band Alice in Chains to be fully representative of the entire experience.

The moral, if there is one, is simply this: there is no escape from the pain of life. There is only our ability and our desire to face the unpleasant aspects of it with hope, fortitude, stamina, Love and forgiveness. The Message in the Bottle was written by the Grim Reaper, and you really don’t want or need to know what it says.

I love you Aunt Penny,

Goodbye.

The TRUE present...

2009-12-31T18:31:00.000-08:00

Well, here we are people, on the eve of 2010. I must say that it comes to me as I am fraught with trepidation. Everyone knows I tend to be a little sentimental, and for some reason NYE has always found me an emotional wreck as I try to process all of what has happened over the course of the old year, and try to get a handle on my (sometimes desperate) desires for the outcome of events in the new one. As I reflect on the highs and lows of the past year I am reminded that, at the very core of all of these experiences, it is me, myself, who controls the ups and downs I experience as a result of what has occurred. Difficult as it may be for me, to embrace the idea that I choose how I am affected by the external world, I must acknowledge it to be the ultimate truth. More difficult still is the concept that I have the ability to select my emotional state at any given moment. From the knee-jerk reaction I have when a beautiful woman enters my field of vision, to the concept of love at first sight, I must acknowledge that I am making a series of decisions at incredible speed which lead to my emotional responses.

Most difficult is the understanding of this information and the strange desire to quell it. To disown it. To object and tell myself that I cannot help but remain a complete slave to the ebb and flow of my emotional states. (Although, sometimes it remains a fact) It does appear to be the stumbling block upon which I trip in my attempt to get to that NEXT! level. Sometimes, I KNOW that it's true, but I just don't care to "mess with it". That would be the animal side of me trying to draw a line in the sand over which my intellect isn't supposed to exceed. So, I suppose it's about balance. Some aspects of my emotional condition I should let go. Some aspects I should attempt to control. Choosing which is which, well now, that's the trick isn't it?

When we can teach ourselves to reach out with open arms to whatever the Universe has on it's menu for NEXT!, it is ONLY THEN...that we are truly being OPEN. It is ONLY THEN, that we have relinquished control in our lives and made space IN our lives-FOR our lives, to unfold in front of us as intended. It is exceedingly difficult to do, and the way is fraught with illusion, (both internal and external) but once we achieve this level of commitment to live our lives unfettered by fear, doubt, stress, and negativity, only then are we living in the TRUE PRESENT. MOST of what goes on in our heads and hearts obscures the path we are intended to take because of our need to cling to outcomes. But the reality is, that it IS.....the TRUE PRESENT that is given to us. The present of choice. The present to turn left or right or up or down. The gift of experiencing our life without walking through it wearing a suit of armor. So let GO! Join me in putting your hands over your head like riding a roller-coaster and experience the high of living life without control! Live in the now. Accept the True Present! As my Spiritual mentor Charlie Shultz once told me back in my Air Force Days, "If you cannot make a mistake, you cannot MAKE.....ANYTHING!"

Happy New Year!!!!!

Love Chiron'

A-Frayed Knot

2009-12-13T22:52:00.000-08:00

“ ...and I think it’s important to remember, in the midst of all of our personal emotional and physical roller-coaster rides life seems to arbitrarily strap us into and send us through that....

Each day we DO have a measure of sanity that we can allow ourselves.

Each day we start, is a day upon which we may, depending on the strength of our Spirit, the strength of our Will, and our commitment to a process, can irrevocably change our lives forever.

Each moment in time is a fulcrum, a balance point upon which our future can teeter this way or that, here to there, up to down, down to up. It’s all in our own hands.

Each day we complete, is another in a series of miniscule lessons which we unconsciously navigate our way through, and what we take with us on that ride is also, entirely up to us. Whether we hold tightly to our belief, to our faith, to the bar, the cover, our addictions or our denial, is also, completely up to us.

Each day we complete is cause for a celebration, because for most, harsh reality is that we live in a concrete jungle, where setbacks lie in wait for the unsuspecting, the unaware, the abusive, (whether that violence be turned inward or out).

Each moment in time is another moment ticking away reminding us of the choices we know in our hearts are the right choices to make, but often the fear to stand up weighs too heavily against the fear of our personal failure.

It is this lack of belief in the self, from which most core pain syndromes appear to be born. The fight is with the self, and it’s relation to the Divine, the Planet, our peers and our loved ones. The unconscious fight is the fight to remember that the fight with the Divine, the Planet, our peers and our loved ones,......is the fight with the Self. We ARE.

When one of us suffers, we all suffer. A chain-reaction of events (usually pain-based) spreads with viral intensity the world over.

Unfortunately, we are addicted to our own self abuse. We have become hardened, and with that we begin to pass pain off to one another like a bunch of kids seeing who can hold their open hand over a flame the longest.

Fortunately, we can do the same thing in pleasure. We have the capacity to try to outdo each other in our ability to be considerate, kind, forgiving, and above all, self-sacrificial.

When the energy has left your hands, and you can know longer hold on to the rope, you have precious little time to sharpen your awareness and understand that you are falling. It is from raw courage and a will to survive that a commitment must be made to grab the rope slipping through your exhausted and burned hands, and to face the inevitable pain that will happen when you close your fists around it. But it is what is required. It can be a test to teach us not to let go in the first place, or , it can be a test to remind us that letting go even for a short time can have painful lasting repercussions. Either way, the choice is our own. We decide what span of the rope we will live on, and we decide how often we will revisit the same stretches of that rope.

We can become intimidated by others who seem to vault up the rope seemingly effortlessly, and we can doubt our own abilities when we see such a display of locomotion. Such concern is an illusion however, because the rope of each of our lives is vastly different, with obstacles of differing sizes and shapes based on the age of the soul. The key is to keep your eyes on your own rope, and trust that others progress simply cannot be measured against your experience, nor should it be. What CAN be measured is how much and how often, we pause in our own progress to assist others in their own struggle to simply hang on.

We are each others Angels and Demons. It is all what we choose to be, how real we choose to make it, how deep or how shallow we decide to be.

We are the eyes and ears of all the spirits of who we are.

So climb. Reach for something higher. Something better. Something brighter....and leave a hand out to catch those around us who have slipped or let go. Leave no-one behind. The souls you catch on your way up ease the fear of making a mistake in your own progress. We are......each others safety net.

R.I.P.

2009-10-28T19:14:00.001-07:00

Feeling Sad around Halloween?

It's perfectly natural to feel sad right before or even during Halloween. Halloween is all about endings.

This portion of your life is at an end. That is what Halloween is really all about.
It is the end of the cycle of transformation into witch (pun intended, sexual in-u-end-oh! a byproduct of intended pun) (lol!) anyway, {how about?} THROUGH witch (the death and decay of the old hag is magically reborn as the young sexy vixen once again....who then fertilizes the seed of the new and cycle begins again.

If you find my reference to sex glaring, that is really because it's pretty much unavoidable here. Harvest and renewal. It is the way of Earth. It is WHY you cannot separate witches from sex, sex from old pagan rituals, and old pagan rituals from Earth's seasons.

We are meant to CELEBRATE death. Death isn't the stopping point, or the bookstop at the end of life, but rather, it marks the TRANSITION between one point in the cycle of transformation...and another. This makes DEATH....a vibrant part of what we experience as LIFE. It doesn't even have to be a physical death. It can mean then end of a way of thinking, or acting, or RE-acting as the case may be. Death represents FREEDOM from that which binds. Look at the imagery. Ghosts dragging chains....etc.
The Grim Reaper with the blade to sever the connection from what once was...allowing the spirit to be released and allowed to progress to something new.

It is symbolic and in line with both animal and vegetable lifeforce life cycles.
So if you find yourself feeling a bit bittersweet about everything right now...
my advice is to GO with it.

If you feel mellon-choly: go carve up a jack-o-lantern.

Write up a list of all that has been bothering you the last year.

(things that you wish to put to rest....as in R.I.P)

Then put that list into Jack and let it burn baby, let it burn. It's kind of like the other side of a nye's resolution list. So make your list, bless it, burn it, and allow all of what you write there to be OVER. Clear your mind, your heart, your emotion of it. Celebrate it's death. For, what will resurrect from the old will, magically, be brighter, and shinier than what was before.

I hope this helps, and have a HAPPY...HAPPY....Halloween.

Love Chiron

Afraid of Love

2009-10-10T13:29:00.000-07:00

Afraid of love.

Flashes…

of moments past.

Mental visual movie clips in my scrapbook of confused emotion, flicker, in front of my minds’ eye.

Simple exhaustion finally overcomes the defensive fear that has stood guard over a mending heart for years with the cold efficiency of an angry protective wolf.

Clenched knuckles, cold and white, from holding on too tight for too long, lose their grip and finally………release.

To my astounded confusion, I do not fall.

My world doesn’t fly apart.

The memories are powerful, the strength of their current, still, easily emotionally overwhelming.

But the concrete resolve of my new foundation…holds.

The fear that has kept me safe, sleeps soundly in my lap.

My hands and my heart begin to warm, as blood finally begins to return to them.

I choose a path, tentatively, stepping out into the world, determined…

Not to be afraid to love.

Halloween's a Comin'!

2009-10-06T20:13:00.000-07:00

Halloween's a comin'!

It's a time when the veil between the worlds grows the thinnest.

A time when dimensions merge.

A time when all that frightens you the most, comes.....unbeckoned.

A time when the dead remind us to cling tightly to our lives,

(no matter how bad they may seem)

for they will gladly exchange places with us...and remind us

to dare....to dream.

Hoist the Main Sail!

2009-09-26T13:29:00.000-07:00

I don't know about the rest of you, but I feel like I have just been BLASTED through the last few months as if I were on a rail-car...reaching incredibly new levels of acceleration as I blaze through this portion of my life. Remarkably, I have a few minutes to catch my breath, but the onset of the phenomenon was so wholly unexpected as to leave me looking over my shoulder even during this apparent "rest period". I haven't managed to write too much, but I have managed to resurrect some of the old files from the previous batch, which will be forthcoming. Meanwhile I have picked up and reconnected with family members, old friends, undertaken more tasks, more responsibility (you'd think I'd learn) and positioned myself to spread myself even thinner than before! (Not to worry, I won't do it!) The theme of the day (other than Halloween is COMIN'!) is one of "simplify or DIE!". As I continue to whittle away the extraneous from what matters in my life I become slowly more empowered by what is left remaining. It is a constant struggle to make ends meet of course, and because I wasn't quite fully overloaded yet, I decided to REALLY push my skills and get a sailboat! LOL! (I really LOVE it but it hasn't seen the water yet) I have come to realize that in life there is a whole OTHER thing that we all have to do. Not ONLY do we need to manage what we already have ON our plate, but we are required to also plan a forward destination complete with an intersecting path TO that destination if we are to be successful in keeping ourselves happy. To that end I am making ready for next spring/summer now. (of course I must also make ready as best as I can for this immediate holiday season which now looms in the ever present)

So, I'm still trying to find a new home for my old truck, still hope to repair my cruiser, and have now added a 14' hobi-cat to the mix. I still haven't spent any serious time in the pursuit of love, but hopefully, my vacation from that whole thing will yield new perspective and perhaps options very soon. People, you can wear yourself out trying to find love. Sometimes it's just best to give it a rest.
(especially when you consider that the only time you can really improve yourself is outside of a relationship. It's just so much faster to work an internal change when you don't have to overcome external resistance to it in the form of a questioning partner)

So: to quickly recap: 1) I'm reducing. 2) I'm organizing. 3) I'm working on physical health. 4) I'm rebuilding, restructuring. 5) I'm making a plan for everything to reintegrate. 6) I'm attempting to plan for the future.

Change is in the wind people. Hoist the main sail and let it move you!

Saluting a Warrior

2009-08-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

Memories of Honor and Pain, Glory and Sacrifice. I Salute you and Thank you Gentlemen for what you have done. The quiet grace with which you wear your Honor is an inspiration. Thank you Capt. Huntley for bringing my papa back home.

http://www.pressdemocrat.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090806/ARTICLES/908069902/1350

What are the chances?

2009-05-22T19:40:00.000-07:00

If you've been wondering what happened with my blog, well here is a short explanation.

I've been playing with computers for a very long time. I have to say that it's pretty amazing to have the degree of "misfortune" as I appear to be having with computers lately. In 18 years I have never experienced so much concurrent adversity in such a small window of time.

I have had MASS data loss, virus contamination, hardware failure, software failure etc ad nauseum for about the last three months. I have lost files I have saved since 1996. All fairly astounding seeing as I run a system that I designed to protect against this very sort of thing from happening. I have lost hardware. Each time the failure threat was averted, with damage and data loss until a misshap and the subsequent loss of the second to the last machines motherboard halted everything. I am now down to a single machine from four, and the surviving machine lost 500g worth of data, with what was archived having lost it's organization.

I guess it's just another one of those "unexplainable mysteries" which my cup appears to be running over the top with.

In any case, I had no less than 71 open pieces of writing slated to come to this blog which have been (apparently) lost. It remains to be seen whether I can recover them. It is a shame because some may have had some real promise as teaching pieces.

As of the moment, they are gone.

I wonder how it is that I can go 18 years without something like this happening, and then to experience all of this in just a few short months. Yep, just a complete mystery.

SO: For the moment, my writing is on hold. I need to sort what's left of my computers out, salvage what I can, regroup and start over. Of course first I have to figure out what I'm going to do about my car which was nearly destroyed by the hail. Then there is the.....the list continues to depression. I won't give up though. Those of you who know me, know I'm way too hardheaded for that. (and no, I haven't yet reached for the dreaded black wand encased in the "break glass in case of dire need of extreme payback" lol!) I have my integrity. I have my resolve. I am running a little low on patience, but we'll make due.

I will continue to blip dj, twitter and I will drop short pieces when I can until such time as I can get everything sorted back out, but I just wanted to thank those of you who have shown me love and support as I attempted to write.

Love Chiron'

Tick Tock....tick tock

2009-04-26T23:57:00.000-07:00

Lately, things have been a little more stressed than normal. I feel the whole world is winding up like a clock spring as the collectives stress is going up up up and away. Maybe it's all in my head, but I seriously doubt it. One look at the news confirms that this isn't something that is all in my head.

I was working late this weekend when I met a sweet woman who is a security guard. She took me by surprise really, as I spend so much time alone in my work that I find I sometimes forget my voice. I know that sounds strange, but believe me, not as strange as it feels to have someone talk to you and find yourself waiting for your brain to “boot” the language program (LOL!) I found myself thinking, about her and wondering what a nice young lady such as that was doing spending her time working alone on a weekend. Then I imagined her significant other or her children who must be depending on her. I do my best to ignore my own sense of isolation working alone and late at night, but somehow it hurt me seeing hers. It started me thinking and between some of the conversations I've been having on line and off I have come to get an interesting picture of how we can all become trapped in our perceptions of the world. I have discovered that my own perceptions of the world have been both accurate and skewed.

I have never been a big crowds kind of person and I am completely fascinated by how human beings all come together to do the Saturday night party thing with the disco lights and mass numbers of people all together and so forth. I guess that's where the animal side of me comes forth and is more dominant. As much as I would enjoy being a part of that experience, it's all just too noisy, too much commotion, too much...._______ whatever. I have struggled for years to overcome what I thought was shyness or a social anxiety disorder. Suddenly it occurs to me that maybe, it's nothing of the sort. Maybe I just don't LIKE all that racket. (shrug) But I'm drifting off topic here.

The point is, that having always been on the outside of things in this particular issue, I had formed opinions on what it was that I was missing. I had developed opinions about what those experiences were all about and then found reasons as to why I didn't want to participate in those activities. But something changed in me last night. Celestial or attitudinal I cannot say, but somehow I was granted a peek into another universe. Somehow it all started from seeing this woman.

It was very strange. Everything from the radio station I normally listen to during work hours playing a whole other sound to the clubs I heard booming down the lake with the sounds of their gleeful celebratory thumping. I felt like I was walking through territory so unfamiliar as to just as likely have been walking on the moon. Then I began to think about how everyone is so stressed out now-days.
It seems like the pressure on us to relax and enjoy ourselves when the time finally comes around at the end of the week for us to do so is building to the point where even the act of doing so has become stressful. The result is a human population who is almost FRANTIC in their desire to get some relief during the downtime. (all the while keeping an eye on that clock ever conscious of it's steady tick-tock towards the end of the rest period.)

Folks. We just REALLY need to chill the hell OUT. This isn't right. We shouldn't GET this wound up, and if we are, what does that say about our way of life? So we don't make the profit we were hoping for....who cares? Humanity needs to apply the brakes here or we are all going to run off of the proverbial road. Maybe we have already.

So the next thing to happen is that today I lay down for a nap, and I have this incredible dream. I dream I am under the supervision of someone who is watching over me. Someone who, at a moments notice pulled me up from out of my regular world and put me into a new one. I awoke in a new space, which was so drastically different from where I live as to be in another alien landscape. My benefactor had somehow while I was passed out fixed both my eyes and my teeth. The familiar pain that I live with daily was miraculously gone, leaving me so disoriented as to make me want to walk closely to walls and hold on to items when I moved. Somehow, I was being given a second chance to live a different life. One where I didn't have to worry about money. Health care. Security. One without pain or fear. One where I could just be myself without fear of being judged or limited. One where the people in the world celebrated me for being who and what I am. In short, A world without pain. At this point I began to panic, (obviously, because a world without pain in my knowledge pretty much means that I was dead or dying, and every instinct I had was to fight this) and I awoke in a sweat. (and promptly spit out another piece of one of my teeth. I must have ground my teeth in my sleep from the anxiety). I would lament this to a great degree except that the constant setbacks and disappointments in my life have become so commonplace as to no longer illicit any overt reaction from me. I'm alive and functioning and that is what counts. But the dream haunts me, and the feelings it evoked in me are unlikely to fade like the dream has.

Renewal and rebirth on Easter 2009

2009-04-12T13:14:00.000-07:00

NEW.

Improved.

Re-Dedicated.

Re-Suscitated

Creatures of wild imagination.

Creatures with Awe-inspiring Dreams.

This is who we are.

Our imagination is both our advantage and our liability. It is the powerful force within us which has the ability to fuel an incomprehensible human drive toward extremes. Our imagination pushed us to place one of us on the MOON. Let's just stop and consider that for a moment.

If we ever...........EVER..........needed to proof to ourselves of what we are capable of: what our imagination has the power to drive us towards, that incredible piece of mankind's history should serve to make sure we NEVER FORGET.

WE CAN DO IT.....................................TOGETHER.

The American people were the tribe who made the finish, but it was the WORLD which pushed them up on their competitive shoulders to inspire them to push harder and faster to the point where they got it done. Without the spirit of competition from the rest of the world, it wouldn't have happened.

Knowing this, each and every one of us can take our own share of pride in knowing that it wasn't exclusively an American who landed on the Moon, it was a member of the Human Race.

It is from this perspective that we must all begin to think. The world is no longer such a big big place. I myself, as most of you, have undreamed of superpowers. I can send a message around the world with a single click of a button from my little electronic device. A device born of the labors of thousands of human beings living in places all over this world. The debt of my gratitude can not seemingly ever be repaid to the people working late in their cubicle sorting out chip designs or to the people putting in that extra hour late at night past quitting time who fabricated my particular little device. The seemingly unconscious and unacknowledged effort of humanity to pull off these miracles is so common as to be something that we all just expect, anymore.

But we cannot think that way any longer. Mother Earth is paying a heavy toll for our dreams, and it's time that we include her needs in our process. Many human beings are also paying the price for the synthesis of what we take for granted. Their health and welfare also, need to become something that is considered. In short, we can no longer look upon the single lives of the spirits who drive our world with an attitude of irreverence, neglect, or lack of respect. To do so, would be to drive a bulldozer at full speed into one of the pillars which is the foundation upon what our world is created upon.

If we are to actually BE, what we purport to BE, we must instead learn to fashion our business models in such a way as to have RESPECT for life. ALL life. We have progressed as far as we can feasibly go using the mentality of “do unto others and split”. The evidence of the cancer to our world from this unconsciously adopted philosophy is poisoning our water, raining debris from the sky and changing the daily weather into some sort of psychotic musical chairs game.

The time of nationalism and divisive activity is past. We simply cannot afford to continue as we have or the consequences (as the current previews of coming attractions in economy,weather, human happiness and welfare) indicate.

The scary news of it is: THE TIME IS NOW.

The wonderful aspect of it is: WE ARE UP TO THE TASK. WE CAN DO THIS. WE HAVE THE IMAGINATION, THE CREATIVITY, THE RESOURCES, AND KNOWLEDGE OF HOW TO REINVENT OURSELVES.

The REAL question is: DO WE HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO PULL OUR HEAD FROM THE POWER OF DENIAL AND ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING BEFORE OUR ABILITY TO ACT IS RENDERED MOOT?

Millions suffer from depression. Sickness. Hopelessness. Instead of working on curing the symptoms for these ailments we need to be working on their CAUSES.

Don't be afraid. Fear breeds fear which breeds fear which breeds sadness helplessness and a world I personally don't want to live in.

Don't be mean. You know right from wrong. Stop turning away from that which you know is wrong.
Be part of the solution. Reach out and help another human being. They belong to you. They are your family. We all want the same things.

Everyone here is valuable. Sometimes that perceived value is difficult to see. Just because it isn't obvious, doesn't make not true. Seeing ISN'T always believing. It SURE as hell doesn't make it FACT. (Quantum physics anyone? Alright then)

What IS real, is that I am a member of this giant thing. This LIFE-FORCE on this planet. The more I learn, the more I realize I cannot divide myself FROM IT in nearly any way. If I cannot divide myself FROM it, then all of it, (even the stuff I don't like) winds up being a part of myself.

I'll say that again. EVERYTHING OUT THERE IS PART OF MYSELF.

Why would I attempt to hurt, destroy, hobble, infect, damage, subvert, poison, manipulate, or cause mental or physical harm...................to myself?

I can not love myself ABOVE others. I can only Love myself. (There ARE no .....”others”)

Therefore, I love you. Please take good care of me.

I'm WORTH it.

^..^~

Blessings of Strength and Courage

2009-03-26T21:49:00.000-07:00

I hate that I sometimes sound so much like a damn cheerleader, but on the other hand, that fact doesn't diminish what I have to say. No matter what we are talking about. Whether it is the state of the economy, your job, the loss of your worldly possessions or your savings, or getting your head and heart around the horrific realization that part of getting older is feeling the same while you watch your body fall apart....or seeing people you care about experience massive pain that you feel powerless to block, stop, or assist with...ALL of this crap is not what matters. What matters is just us. All of us. Your neighbors. Your parents. Your friends. Hell, even those you fight with. WE, are the only thing on this plane of existence that really MATTERS. The People. The Animals. The rest of it is junk. These "tests" that we are all being challenged with, are just a way to remind us of what is IMPORTANT. GIVE to your fellow human being. Your patience, your assistance, your forgiveness, and your heart. Only the strong can allow themselves to be vulnerable. Only those who can be truly vulnerable can know what genuine strength really is.

Before the "Jig was Up"...

2009-03-17T19:03:00.000-07:00

When the British came to Ireland they put a waist high wall up between the north and the south. Typical of the Irish, (you know, I think sarcasm actually was BORN there) the Irish made a mockery of the rule of no dancing by walking alongside their side of the fence under the guards scornful vision with their arms down and mimicking a regular walk, while ... underneath the sight-line of the fence their legs were just a janglin'. Of course everyone on the Irish side of the fence could see the whole thing and all observed with such somber expressions that to my knowledge the practice went on for some great time before the "Jig was up".

; )

Happy Leprachaun's Day!!!

ENOUGH!!!!

2009-03-07T16:41:00.000-08:00

What a day!

So I'm rebuilding my computer, (the one that failed for unknown reasons wiping approximately 500G worth of saved data and programs) and I spend all week trying to get it fixed back up and working correctly. I load all my Valve brand games back up on it, only to have them all fail again after the HUGE process of installation, update decryption update some more etc ad nauseum. I don't lose my temper, instead I just start working on the wireless network stuff. So I work on the Linksys brand stuff on my network attempting to make certain it is all updated and functioning. It doesn't. The cards in the computers work in spurts, on again and off again, and the wireless gaming adapter (which is a HUGE pain in the ass to reconfigure) quits working ENTIRELY. After resisting the urge to take a hammer to it, I get a call from the Sprint Rep, (scheduled, and late by 35 minutes) to work on my work phones Direct Connect, which hasn't been working correctly since I got it. After nearly losing the gentleman because of a failure by my JAWBONE brand headset to disconnect/reconnect in a timely and correct fashion, we finally manage to get going and work on the damned thing. After several hold periods and several tests, he declares that he has made the necessary adjustments and that beyond this there isn't anything else they can do. (Time will tell if it is fixed, or if it is just another blatant example of a company taking money in good faith for products that don't in fact, actually WORK.)

So at this point, feeling somewhat re-empowered I return to my previous task of attempting to fix the computer/networking problems I'm having. I work on my iBook trying to ensure that both the iBook, the wireless gaming adapter for ps2, and the two windows computers all connect together and run harmoniously on the network. Of course, it is at this point that I discover that the iBook has lost it's ability to run without being plugged into the wall. The lithium ion battery reads 50%, and apparently, this means the end of the service life for the battery. The SHORT version of this is that I realize that without the added functionality of the iBook being portable, I have Zero need for wireless in the house.

So, once again, I have squandered an extraordinary amount of my personal highly valuable free time trying to make products I have purchased actually do what they were advertised to do. I am QUITE CERTAIN in ALL CASES, that any representatives advice on the subject would be that my stuff is too old and needs to be replaced by the NEW version of the same style of stuff.

I should mention at this point, that through Out the “service life” for all of this equipment, I have waited patiently for the companies to produce the updates necessary to fix all the BUGS in the software which prevented the hardware from working as it was supposed to. So here we are. We are now at a point where the hardware I have been trying to get working on my tiny insignificant little home network all to work together THROUGHOUT it's service life with ZERO success. Now, I don't know about the rest of you nice folks, but I'm not exactly technically challenged. I have a fairly decent amount of experience dealing with this crap. So it makes me stop to wonder......

JUST WHEN DID IT BECOME OK FOR COMPANIES TO STEAL FROM PEOPLE LIKE THIS?

I find it wholly unacceptable that one of my most favored games has seemingly locked me out of playing said game because of the built-in theft deterrent aspects of the software aren't working as intended. I cannot believe that untold numbers of the American public have been left holding unusable hardware or software after having paid for it with every reasonable expectation that the products should WORK.

I have been dying to get my hands on the latest generation of video gaming hardware and I am in desperate need of a new cell phone, laptop, and networking equipment. But you know what? I am not going to give ANY of these companies ONE WORTHLESS AMERICAN PENNY. I realize I am conceivably ALONE in this stance, but I REFUSE to continue to pay these companies for shit that doesn't WORK!

But then I thought about it and I realized, no, this is pandemic. This is the same situation as when I pull through a drive-through and open the wrapper on something as simple as a cheeseburger and find it is COLD, or that the fountain drink has such a GROSSLY out of whack mixture as to make it undrinkable.

It's everything and it's all around us. Nothing works. Nothing is good anymore, and what's more infuriating is that these companies expect us to shell out BIG TIME for these goods and services.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm drawing the line.

I'll not pay the money for new computers or game equipment or phone equipment that either fails or doesn't work. NOT GOING TO DO IT.

Until you can produce something of value, I'm SAVING my extremely hard earned cash. I have HAD IT............with designed obsolescence! If a product isn't solid, it has NO BUSINESS being sold to the public under the guise of something that is!

I pity the fool who approaches me with the desire to sell me an extended warranty. That poor soul is going to get flamed on a level that is likely completely inappropriate to the offense. I don't care.

Industry has decided in it's ultimate GREED that they will not sell us well constructed things anymore. What they are selling to us is the IDEA of whatever it is. We buy into the IDEA that we could have this item and we beg them to MAKE IT WORK! They then BLACKMAIL us for PROTECTION MONEY to ensure that our new shiny bauble WORKS!

IT's LUDICROUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, Heads up to Industry: I'm holding you ACCOUNTABLE. RETRO ACTIVE. You get to burn me ONCE. After that, I will NEVER purchase anything from your “brand” AGAIN! Get it!?

Happy Anniversary!

2009-02-28T11:55:00.001-08:00

Wow.

Amazing.

A simple vision I had of bringing some people I knew together has started to bear fruit.

WE BELONG .................to each other.

I want each and every single one of you to FEEL that.

Today is an anniversary for me/us. Three years ago today, I began the process of building this network.

I thought it was a just a dream that would fizzle and fade away like clearing smoke.

But, remarkably, it hasn't.

It has grown with each concurrent step I have made to expand it. So far, I have managed with your kind assistance to bring about 400 to 500 people into visual “earshot” of what we choose to talk about.

I have spent most of the time woolgathering in this network about life and philosophy, spirituality and music. I welcome an ongoing dialog from any of you, and encourage you to stretch out with your feelings. This is the place where there is no wrong answer, no question is inappropriate to tackle. This is for us. This is for me. This is for you to connect on/in/to. So until there is more interaction, I will continue to share my experience and my life, my fascinations and my love, with you.

Happy Anniversary. Thank you for sharing your experience, your heart, your self, and your love,

with me.

Love Chiron'

Purple

2009-02-04T18:22:00.000-08:00

If I remember correctly, in physics (or was it Astronomy?) I learned that the frequency of light radiation as it approaches us is colored blue. The frequency of light radiation that we see as a light source moves away from us is perceived as the color red. So, if we are studying these energies and recognizing that there is a relationship between the colors blue and red and their apparent indicated movement either towards or away from us, doesn't it beg the question about what color means to us in terms of sub light speed and direction? Okay, I know that statement doesn't lend itself to being very obvious, so lets come at it from a different direction ; ) .

What if all the items that are painted (seemingly) different colors actually are moving in our dimension based on the color that is reflected back to us? Maybe it happens so slow that we cannot perceive it?

If this wild ass theory actually has any ability to retain moisture, then it would raise some seriously bizarre and incredible questions. Such as: If stars that are blue are moving toward us, and stars that are red are moving away from us, what about stars that are purple? Purple is a color which is a mixture of both blue and red, which, (using our little model) would indicate to us that a star that is purple would be one that is both moving toward, AND away from us simultaneously!

Uh oh.

How could something move away from us and move toward us simultaneously? Well I guess it the only way to describe such a thing, would be that it actually existed in several spaces at once.

Uh oh again...

This is starting to sound a little like time travel? Something that has a foot in multiple dimensions?

Do you think this is why the color purple was considered sacred by the royalty, religious, astrologers and the wise alike?

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

^..^~

Rusty Gears

2009-01-18T21:34:00.000-08:00

I sometimes have moments when I think I'm losing my mind, but then I have to wonder, was the moment I was thinking that I was losing my mind....one of those moments?

“A Gentle, right-hand turn please”

2008-11-09T08:29:00.000-08:00

This is a statement that came from a man who talked a pilot who went blind during a solo flight down down to safety.

Because we have seen this repeated in so many stories in the movies, I doubt it’s impact will fully register on people. It’s no longer the fiction of some action thriller, but rather, for the first time that I have ever heard of, one of the most complicated and delicate tasks has actually been accomplished by two men, one of which, couldn’t see a thing.

It seems to me to be a message to all of us.

It is the second such message that I have received in the past week.

The world has been absolutely flying through this passage of time at high velocity. The rate of change has increased to a level which in my humble opinion is wholly unhealthy for the residents of planet earth. What’s more, is that we are flying blind.

The United States has just rallied around a collective statement that “Change” is what we want more than anything else. In the week after the presidential election, we are all left wondering about what that really means, as the echoes of our voices have left the air and reverberate in our hearts and minds.

It seems to me that although we can’t really agree at this point on what it is that we all want collectively, it is readily apparent that none of us have been happy with the way things have been going.

We just NEED.....”to get there”. We are TRYING to “get there”, we have shown the courage and the HEART to “get there”, but now I think we are being given a series of messages that we all just need to settle down a bit.

As any serious flyer will tell you, there IS such a thing as “going too fast”.
Speed is a strange relative thing. The faster we go, the more we want to go faster. Often we have the ability to move faster than we should. Our ability to go fast usually is developed long before our ability to develop solid navigation control. At slower relative speeds, we can get away with this. Our overall speed in our relative progress is still slow enough to allow for some errors. We are moving along at a good “clip” now however, and we can no longer afford the sophomoric tendencies of humanity's adolescence without putting ourselves at genuine risk.

It is my judgment that we need to seriously consider if not applying a touch of the brakes here, that we should at very least consider letting off the thottle for a while. At least until we can gain a complete understanding of what our “flight characteristics” ARE, at this new speed. I advise that we might consider doing what to many would appear to be the unthinkable.

I suggest that we as the human race reach backwards in time to many of the values of the 50’s and INTEGRATE them with our new value set from our current time.

Let there be Honor, Justice, Freedom, Liberty, Sensitivity, Integrity, Opportunity, and Happiness............for ALL.

It is time for those of us who have been carrying the load to rest a while.
It is time for those of us who have been resting to carry the load.
It is time for us to target and destroy FEAR. It is time for us to LIGHTEN UP.
It is time for us to BELIEVE IN EACH OTHER.

It is time for us to extend our hand to those around us and pull them UP.
It is time for us to Dance.

It is time for us to be aware enough so that when the Divine tells us,

“Now, make a GENTLE, RIGHT-hand, Turn”..............that we are LISTENING.

Accord-(ing) to Tina

2008-10-19T09:20:00.000-07:00

I have been having a series of discussions with my old high school friend Tina Everett, and she posted this today. This is a reprinting with her permission.

Why So Lonely?

7:15 a.m.
Why do you feel empty? Like nobody understands you, or god has left you in the corner while everyone else is out to play? You look around at your life, and other people seem so happy, but you have no idea where you are going. It feels like nobody else really cares if you are hurting inside or not.

It's because you are only living half your life. You are going through the motions of daily life, reacting to The Physical, while your Spiritual side slowly atrophies. (Think of a Yin-Yang symbol where the white side is not round, but shrivelled up and dying.) First off, it's ugly, second thing you'll notice is that it is no longer balanced and doesn't work. A wheel needs to be round to turn.

Now don't feel bad; it's happening to a lot more people than you realize. In fact we all go through droughts from time to time. But you have to fix it if you want to be happy again. (And the way to be happy again is to fix that flat tire lol)

People everywhere, especially in modern times are pretty good with the physical side of their lives. We know we have to go to work/school, we know we have to pay those bills, meet those deadlines, honor those responsibilities. And then, to unwind physically, we have sports, hobbies, parties, etc.

But as the world gets more 'modern' or technologically savvy, we have started to mock the spiritual as 'old timey' or ignorant. Very religious people (of any religion) are looked upon with a sort of pity, like they are less intelligent. Some of the more devout ones are considered crackpots... (maybe those are ones who are letting the physical side die as they chase after their godliness, so they are unbalanced the other way.

How many people do you know who live their daily lives in the physical world, but save their religious beliefs for their Sabbath day only? Or who believe in interpreting dreams, healings, or tarot and stuff in the evenings when they're hanging out with certain friends, but forget all about that 'silly' stuff during the workday? *for any Christians who are objecting to 'mystical' references here, read your own bible for a change, it also believes in dream interpretation, fortune telling, mental healing, numerology, and miraculous physical manifestations, so lay off the other folks. Take the WHOLE bible as truth, or use it as cage-liner... if you really believe that Bible like you say, you cannot choose parts to cut out.

Why must you keep your real life separate from your religious life? That is what's killing you. That mental connection with the person you fell in love with has shriveled. The spiritual link that made you just KNOW something was wrong with someone you loved one day, and you coincidentally called them right when they needed it... same thing. Talking with god lately? or just sending "Bitch Lists" out when things don't go your way. (The connection to the Higher is a 2-way phone line, when are you gonna quit talking long enough to listen for a minute?)

Start listening to the air around you. Start trying to connect mentally, put yourself in someone's shoes and learn to care about them for a change. Start exploring your Spiritual beliefs, whatever they are. YOUR beliefs, in your heart, not what some guy in a suit tells you to believe. Eventually you will realize what you were missing and have balance in your life again. When you have finally reconnected to the rest of us, you will never be lonely again.

9 a.m.
Wow, that was quick...
Nothing like a religion-oriented blog to stir up some activity. In response to the emails & phone call I have already received:

1: No it is probably NOT better to look for Spiritual things only, and forget about the physical, even though that sounds really noble. You have responsibilities to take care of here. If you are ignoring the Physical side, either you are letting your body rot while you daydream and search for truth, or you are forcing someone else to handle the responsibilities that you should be taking care of. One way hurts yourself; the other way hurts someone else's spirit.

As for caller number 2: Pick a religion. All of them have threads of truth, and all of them have a lot more of it wrong. Remember the game in grade school where Kid A whispered something to Kid B, and then Kid B passed it on, and so forth? Remember how botched it always comes out? Now try that with several billion people over a few centuries... Just follow what Religion your parents gave you, or whichever you feel closest to.

And 3: No I am not claiming to have all the answers... If you feel that strongly about it, all I can say is don't read my blogs, but love me in spite of it.

Three Times

2008-10-08T20:13:00.001-07:00

He was alone.

He could hear the wind sift through the trees outside his open windows.

Gentle breezes which seemed to be calling his attention.

Like soft.....breathing.

He felt himself unconsciously matching his breathing to the sound.

He felt the long heavy curls of his own hair moving on his neck as the breeze caressed him. He started when he realized he was feeling hair he had long since lost. “shhhhhhh” he heard in the highest registers of his hearing.

He knew this presence, and although he knew that he knew it, he couldn’t place it. Like the lazy curls of smoke from the candle, his memory yawned open in it’s search for recognition. But more importantly, he knew that this presence knew HIM.

He waited, afraid to move a muscle lest he should break the spell.

The firelight flickered shadows in the room around him. It was comforting, the crackle and pop of the fire jarred him into the awareness that he had lit no fire.

In the distance he heard a woman's soft murmur of laughter. It was the laugh of amused affection.

He stared into the fire and even his thoughts seemed to stand still.

He heard the tinkle of a spoon in a tea cup.

She always has tea, he thought, as the aroma of fine black tea reached his nose from the cup on the table before him.

He turned from the fire to the place setting across the table from him, as her eyes beckoned his attention into them.

There she was.

His heart threatened to explode from the intense emotions. Attraction, fear, enchantment, confusion, and recognition.

“Oh come now, after all this time this is how you show me how much you’ve missed me?”, she whispered in mock despair.

“I have absolutely no idea who ....or what..... this “woman” is.”, he thought.

“You know EXACTLY who I am”, she whispered. “But I’ll grant you that it has been a pretty good stretch of time.”

She sipped her tea and pulled her legs up into the chair with her. It was only then that he began to really look at her.

She had long flowing hair. It was red, no, brown, no? black with a purplish tint..

“Stop that!” she commanded. “You will see me as your hearts desire. You know how much I hate it when you cannot make up your mind. Close your eyes and feel me sitting here from your heart, once you have done that, then open your eyes.”

“I can’t do this, it’s confusing.” he said.

“Who ARE you? and what do you want with me?” he inquired.

“There is a part of you who knows who I am, and what I am here for. It has been a very long time. We have some time yet, as I have arrived early. I will come again soon and you will perhaps remember me then.
I’ve missed you little one”

He opened his eyes in panic “no wait!” he gasped.

But he was alone.

Chambers of the Heart

2008-09-21T22:03:00.000-07:00

What is the terror that we experience when something we have asked for with all of our heart is .........given ...........to us?

Is it so much to believe that we can actually have what it is that we ask for?

What makes us not only hesitate, but in fact actively deny ourselves a gift that seems to come directly from the Divine?

Is it the peculiarity of the random nature of WHAT of our many requests specifically appear to be granted to us which create the barriers within us? Are those the barriers that prevent us from accepting the gift when it finally arrives? Is it a fact that we define our reality based on what we desire, and whether or not that desire can or will ever be fulfilled? Can the conditioned response that we get from being blocked when we reach out for something actually wind up being the blockage created by ourselves when what we have asked for is finally, belatedly put within our grasp?

Are we unconsciously limiting ourselves in what we can have of our desires because on some level we do not feel worthy of receiving the very things that we beg for? Are we so arrogant that we assume to be a better judge of worthiness than the Divine?

Does it wind up being a two part process? We ask the Universe or the Divine for something, and then after it is provided for us we disallow it from manifesting in our lives because we are unsure of our worthiness? Is it a case of God may forgive us, but we cannot forgive ourselves or each other?

Is our fear of accepting a gift seemingly from the Divine evidence of a lack of complete trust in the Divine? We struggle every single day to learn to develop an accord with what it is that we reach for, verses what we are apparently allowed to have. When we ask for something that we desire but do not believe that it is possible for us to have, isn’t it our disbelief of possibility that which prevents us from accepting the very thing that we have asked for?

I believe that it is.

I think that once we have made up our minds (as the result of purely self protective guardianship) that something is not within our reach, to acknowledge that what we have asked for has been presented to us threatens to contradict our well developed notions about what our reality actually is, how it works, and what our place is in it. When we are given something which is in direct contradiction of our personal reality construct, we are suddenly forced to deal with a discrepancy which is an acknowledgment that our personal and collectively defined reality doesn’t take into consideration the possibility of that which we have no explanation for.

Once something like this happens in our life, we are afraid to accept what is offered because to close our fingers around something we have desired for so long requires us to relinquish our understanding of how such a thing came to be. Most of us live in a sort of self denied state of terror as it is. To acknowledge that our understanding of our existence and our role in it is unknown is the final nameless faceless horror in each of our lives. Without our carefully defined mechanistic world, we would have nothing to hold on to. Nothing to keep us anchored in our understanding of what reality is and the causality of our interaction WITH it.

If this is true, then it follows that we wind up being our own guides through this plane of existence. We limit ourselves in what we allow ourselves to know, to experience, or what desires we have we will allow ourselves to have. This actually makes sense and lends itself to the idea of Karma and the cycle of transformation.

We are given a passkey though, we can skip some of the more detailed lessons that we don’t need if we can show that we have a full working understanding of the main lesson above which the smaller lessons are grouped.

We’d have to describe it this way.

Yes.

Yes I can have my hearts desire, but am I really ready for that?

Yes I can have my hearts desire, but is what I desire what I really NEED?

Yes I can have my hearts desire, but only if I can get my mind and my heart around the fact that the Divine is right before me, offering to me what it is that I have requested?

Then the question becomes much more simple, and complex.

What is it that I really desire? What is it that my Higher Self wants me to know? What will my Higher Self allow me to have that the Divine has offered me? Will my {lower}self allow me to accept what is being offered, or will my {lower}self refuse it out of a sense that I don’t deserve it? A sense that I should be punished by disallowing that which I desire but feel unworthy of?

I could skip the lessons involved if I learned how to just be.

I could skip the lessons involved if I learned how to just forgive.

I could skip the lessons involved if I learned how to just Love.

I could skip the lessons involved if I learned that I am not in control.

I could skip the lessons involved if I learned to relinquish expectation.

I could skip the lessons involved if I learned to stop trying to work my will.

I could skip the lessons involved if I learned that I am beautiful, and that the beauty I share with others is God’s grace as much as it is an expression of my own.

I could skip the lessons involved if I could but learn that I am a vessel.
That everything I am and everything I do is as much a part of God as it is a part of me.

I could skip the lessons involved if I could but feel that God is inside of me.

I could skip the lessons involved if I could not fear the loss of myself as I reach out to join with the Divine. (for how can I be lost if what I am is the essence of the Divine?)

Maybe the biggest challenge that I face here on earth is the challenge of trusting that I have God within me, and as a result of that, that I am within God?

Until I am able to overcome these lessons I may remain trapped.....

trapped within the chambers of my own heart.

Deep Space Distress Signal

2008-09-17T22:30:00.000-07:00

The flickering lights illuminated her face. The strobe had the effect of stretching the images into horrific twisted shapes. The darkness burned the last seen image upon the retina’s, into her brain. The fragile eggshell of her shelter from space shuddered and the sound of fatigued metal sang it’s death song to her. She heard none of it. The sound of her own hammering heartbeat was all that she could hear. That, and the static of an unresponsive communications link.

“Hello? This is

Can anyone hear me?”

“I need help”

“Oh puleease please please....dear GOD please help me”

What is it about the very concept of a Deep Space Distress Signal that seems to access the most primitive of fears in the human psyche?

The fear of being left behind. Forgotten. Left to die. Abandoned.

The fear of not being able to be self sufficient. Or, to put it another way,

The fear of not being ABLE to take care of oneself.

That, my friends, is true, fear.

Throughout the course of our lives, we will face this fear, over and over again. Like a Demon it will return to frighten us, usually when we feel least able to fight against it. But that is, after all, it’s nature.

There are so many openings in our lives where this Demon may try to sneak in and make us doubt what we should never doubt. From something as simple as the ultimate stress of being put into the light, under the glare of judgment, a test, a performance, a trial, or a rite of passage....to the extreme of learning how to function in the absence of a loved one. A separation or a death.

This Demon is like most other Demons. It is a Demon until we master it’s lesson. Once we overcome our fear then we have the ability to see that the Demon is really an Angel, an Angel who has come to teach us that one single thing. The most important of messages we will ever know.

The lesson that no matter WHAT happens..................................We can do it.

It may not be pretty, we may not get style points, but we can it make through to the other side.

Like an angry drill instructor our Angel will mercilessly corner us in our fear until we accept that vital piece of information.

We can do it, and we WILL do it.

We will do it or deal with the wrath of a very pissed off Angel whose job it is to punish us with our fear until we have had enough and turn to face it.

So the next time you feel the chilling cold of deep space, and nobody answers your radio, I want you to remember that as the fear mounts and your voice gets caught in your throat, and your heart starts hammering to the point where it feels like it will explode, that what you are feeling is your Angel. I want you to know that he is hard core. Old school. Fucking MEAN. That fear you feel is his pitchfork, goading you. Pushing you. Challenging you. He wants you to turn around and face that fear and scream at him to step the hell OFF.

Because you can DO this. By YOURSELF if you have to.

And he and you both KNOW it.

As any seasoned Soldier will tell you, two of his oldest friends are fear and pain.

Both will keep you from ever being truly alone. Both will keep you alive.

“This is Alpha Omega responding to received distress signal.....over”

Chitty Chitty Bang BANG!

2008-08-03T20:40:00.000-07:00

I promised earlier that I would write a piece in regard to the black magic of how to save on gasoline, and this is that bit.

I am currently a professional driver. But really that just is the latest description to basically a lifetime of playing with machines. I was inspired as a kid by the movie “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”, and have been an inventor ever since. In order to become an inventor, one has to have a great detailed knowledge of how things work. (After all, one must pay homage to those who have invented before himself by studying and learning of their acts of brilliance. I take a moment to give you this background so that you may more easily understand the mechanism by which I have discovered the information I’m about to share with you.

To really understand how to make your driving as efficient as possible, one must first understand what is really happening behind the common acts we all perform on a daily basis, under the hood of the machines which we depend so completely on. So I will start with a basic explanation of what an internal combustion engine is, and how it works, and then later when I give you the reasons why things work the way that they do, you’ll have a more complete understanding beyond the knowledge of the information itself.

An engine is really just an air pump. It’s kind of a strange way of thinking, that the whole fuel aspect of it is pretty much secondary, but really, it is.

If you’ve any experience with air pumps of any size, this should help you gain a firmer understanding of what is going on with an engine. The main difference of course is that instead of using electricity to turn the pump, we put a flammable liquid INSIDE the pump and drive it from the inside, instead of from the outside.

Next, let’s look at any kind of flywheel type of system you’ve ever used, and see how that compares to what we are doing with an automotive drive train. Lets start with a relatively familiar observation that I’m sure most of us can relate to.

A bicycle.

Ever notice when you first start riding your bike that when you first start off, it takes WAY more effort to push the pedals than it does once you have actually started moving? This is because of the physics law where an object in motion tends to stay in motion. Once you get the bike rolling at a steady speed, the amount of energy required to push the bike is drastically reduced. Only a change in speed, or a change in road surface or additional wind resistance will cause you to have to push harder.

So lets go back to our air pump. Just like when you are peddling the bike, the engine itself will tend to stay in motion after it has reached a certain speed. So when we start off, we spend a much bigger amount of fuel to get it going, and once it’s going we can trickle off the fuel supply quite a bit without the machine changing it’s relative speed.

Now, while we are on the subject....what we have been using in our model here is a fast acceleration to a constant speed. But since we are here, let’s also notice something else. Ever notice when you are riding your bike that if you accelerate very slowly, just a little bit faster a little bit at a time, how much less the effort is? The same goes with our air pump.

A slow acceleration requires much less energy expenditure than a faster acceleration. This is because we are using the law of inertia to our advantage. The slower we accelerate, the less energy we use, because we are NOT fighting inertia as much as when we try to reach warp 9 in ten seconds.

Ok. Now that we have a basic familiarity with these principles, lets bring it back to our common experience behind the wheel.

I think that there is a basic misunderstanding of the level of technology that we are dealing with here. Another way of looking at an engine (other than an air pump) is a big campfire. When we are driving and we stab the throttle and “open it up”, what that means is, we are no longer metering out the fuel to the engine at all and are instead allowing the maximum amount of fuel to go through the system to make the fuel flow from the gas tank to the point where it is burned as fast as possible. The relative speed of this is based on how big the engine/air pump is, and how big the pipe is that runs from the tank to the engine/air pump. Using our campfire example, when we step on the throttle a little bit it’s like taking a dixie cup and tossing that much fuel on the fire. When we stab the throttle and “open it up” we are taking the biggest bucket we can carry full of fuel and throwing it on the campfire. I’m sure most of us can relate to what happens. We can throw dixie cups of fuel on the fire all night long and make it flare up just a little bit, or, we can throw a huge supply of fuel on the fire and it makes it flare up really big. But the amazing part of it is.....the length of time that the fuel flares up on the fire, lasts about the same amount of time whether we use a dixie cup, or a bucket. Right? That is because the rate at which the fuel actually burns is constant. It is controlled by the fuels octane. Thus fuel that has an octane rating of 87 burns FASTER, and fuel that has an octane rating of 92 burns SLOWER. We like SLOW burning fuel because the slower it burns, the longer the “flare up” we get when we throw it on the fire. Make sense?

Ok, I hope yall are still with me, it’s difficult to make this readily understandable and yet keep it somewhat brief.
I had mentioned that we are limited in how far we can control or manipulate the fire by our technology. This is an overly simplistic statement, but will have to do for now. The point is, because of the laws of physics, and the various technologies we have to try to get around them, we are currently kind of stuck with our fuel burning air pumps as the primary method by which we loco mote around.

So lets take a look at how we the driver of an automobile can make each tank of gas go the farthest.

First of all, don’t forget our bike model. Slow starts save fuel. Once we are going, SMALL changes in speed are ten TIMES as efficient as “dropping the hammer” to make a lane change or pass another car.

The truth of it is ........we are our own worst enemy when it comes to saving fuel. Who doesn’t enjoy feeling the power of giving your car the equivalent of the command, “ahead warp factor 9”? We are all creatures of the physical, and it brings us pleasure to feel a car squat down and rocket off whenever we tell it to. It affirms our sense of personal power and enhances the illusion that we have some degree of power over our environment, if not our lives. But that’s ALL it is. A quick momentary burst of your wallet as it goes from your wallet to the tank to the roaring campfire for a quick momentary flare-up. Then of course it goes into our air in the form of pollutants which we pay for again several dozen times as we attempt to clear it out of our water, food, etc. etc. You get the picture.

So if we could just learn to control our typical animal impulses, and not make the trip to the grocery store an amusement park ride, we’d be saving a lot of money, fuel, and impact to the environment right there.

Ok. Enough of the explanation and now I’ll get down to the brass tacks of tips to save on fuel.

Let’s start with wind resistance. If the universe was trying to tell mankind just how fast we ought to be traveling, the physics laws of wind resistance and drag ought to be a big clue to us. For those who are unaware, the breakpoint for the change in aerodynamics is about 45m.p.h. What does that mean? That means, that if you had the horsepower to move it, you could drive a building down the road at speeds up to about 45 before it would make any difference whatsoever as to what shape your vehicle was. Now this is a key factor here. Another way of stating this is that our engine is operating at it’s peak efficiency rate (the most movement for the least amount of fuel) at 45. This is why a while back they opted for the 55m.p.h speed limits. After 45 m.p.h., the efficiency of our machine goes down DRASTICALLY. Waste is increased substantially up to 60, and after 60, we are just THROWING fuel on the fire. But remember, this is only in reference to wind resistance, so the rules still apply at slower speeds regarding slow starts to overcome inertia efficiently.

So, if you can, drive 45, or less. The tradeoff obviously is time. They say time is money, and it is never so apparent as when you turn the key to your car.

Spend the time, drive slower, save money of fuel. Actually save a LOT more than just fuel, you’d also save on tires, drive train component wear and tear, and as an extra added bonus, you’ll have more reaction time to avoid that idiot driver trying to text on his phone while driving. You’d also lower the amount of pollution that your car emits into the atmosphere when you drive slower.

So, our next tip is that when you are on the road, stop using your brakes.
THINK about what you are doing instead of using your brakes to save errors in judgment. LOOK down the road and if you see a blockage about to occur, just let off the throttle. Give yourself enough time to allow the car to slow down on it’s own. Remember, each and every single time you step on the brakes, you are effectively erasing the forward momentum you just spent X amount of $ on to get going. Not only that, but have you ever wondered just how much of the air contaminants we have to breathe are the brake dust from all of our cars? The next time you go down the highway in bumper to bumper traffic, imagine that you could actually SEE the brake dust flying up into the air in front of you from the traffic in front of you. Yeah, that dust is going right into your A/C intake and right into your car. Not much, but then, how much brake dust is on the U.S. Recommended Daily Allowance as part of your healthy diet? See what I mean? It always cracks me up to see a car with uber liberal green bumper stickers all over it’s tail engaging in the STOMP throttle and then brake behavior.

MOST of it, is absolutely preventable. If people would stop all the other multitasking attempts they try to do while operating an automobile, and pay attention, we’d have smoother traffic flow and less pollution. Needlessly stomping on the accelerator, and then negating that with a stomp on the brakes is the WORST way to drive. For EVERYONE.

To recap:
Drive slower if you can.
When you drive, drive in “slow motion” .....like granny does. A little throttle here, a little brake there, but never brake if you can anticipate a slow down instead, just let go of the throttle EARLY.

Maintain your car. more air in the tires means that they roll with less effort.
Keep them properly inflated.
Change the air and fuel filters in your car. Change the oil. These things reduce friction and increase efficiency.

The single biggest way to save money on fuel is to plan ahead. Save all your trips for one outing, then allot enough TIME for you to “mosey along”.
If you need to open something wide up, make it your car stereo volume.

I hope this helps.

Chiron’

Without a Handrail

2008-07-27T16:51:00.001-07:00

Life moves so fast in some areas of our lives that it isn’t until we can come to a full stop, that we have any real idea or sense of what is going on around us. For those of us who lead single or solitary lives, it can be a real challenge to stop. For us, to stop is to risk becoming lost between worlds.

Daily life moves like a very fast stream. Each action and reaction is seemingly interwoven. We think on our feet, if we think at all. It is very easy to allow our obligations to blot out how we are really feeling.

Once we depart the fast moving stream of our obligations and enter the quiet space of our inner life, the world is much different. Movement is like that of slow water.

As a single man, living on my own, sometimes I have to really question whether I am really living. The problem is, the inertia of the week is so strong, that the force of last weeks issues often blows past the finish line of the week and continues with it’s unstoppable force straight into the weekend and then THROUGH the weekend, like a locomotive that has derailed and runs uncontrolled to it’s final resting place. My life has been moving so fast for me that the time required for me to decompress is roughly about twice the amount of time I have allotted to accomplish decompression and renewal for the following week.

The trouble is, the speed of my movement away from work is much different than when I am work.

I am not certain of course, but I would imagine that solitary life for others is similar to my own.

Alone, my inner world comes forth. It takes a while for me to find my natural rhythm again. My natural rhythm is timid, and will disappear in the blink of an eye if it feels threatened. It is up to me to coax it out from hiding, and encourage it to sing to me. That takes time.

I tend to “live in my head”, because there really isn’t much externally to keep me FROM that. Life moves much much slower there. There I can actually SEE. There I can actually FEEL.
There I can get a broader viewpoint of the world in which I live.
My home gets messy because my home is primarily my place to BE. Just ....Be. When I am at home, my body resides there, but my Spirit is often elsewhere. It is a cocoon of protection. A place I can become ultimately vulnerable. It’s where I stop, sit on the floor and sit in ultimate silence and feel the earth beneath me. It’s where I can dream. It’s where I can write.

Solitary life is the kind where the simple ring of a phone can shatter the environment with it’s shrill demand. It can be both a lifeline in times of desperation, and an unwanted intruder when I have developed peace.

The phrase, “lose track of time” has a whole new meaning in this world.

Time is measured by how many cups of tea I have made, how many cigarettes I have smoked, how much of the mundane tasks I have accomplished. Time is measured by how fast and how well I can recharge.

Sometimes, I am not able to recharge. I am forced to enter into a new week in a state of mental or emotional exhaustion. This is when I really have to be careful, because this is what can trigger the tidal wave of depression. At times like this, I don’t do a whole lot. I will find a piece of instrumental music, an incomplete musical phrase, that I can loop and I will set it in motion. I will play it nonstop in an effort to find rhythm. My rhythm. It will serve as life support for me until my own rhythm can function again on it’s own. Sometimes this takes a while. I know it is working when I find myself suddenly growing extremely emotional, as the endless repetition functions like a drill, penetrating my core and any blockages that are preventing me from finding my own natural rhythm again. Irritating if I resist it, hypnotic if I allow myself to be seduced by it. Almost a way of creating an illusion of stopped time. One moment, relived over and over except that, with each reiteration, new harmonics become perceivable. Eventually I will begin to hear more than what is playing. Eventually, the pain in my heart will begin to dissipate, and I will find resolution. Peace. Acceptance.

The trouble is, once I have been in this space, it becomes very difficult to exit it’s peaceful state. Modern life is almost a direct contradiction to it’s wave. Entering either world is a task that requires energy, flexibility and a great amount of fortitude.

I don’t know what I expected life to be like when I grew older, but I never expected this. I keep searching for understanding, of both myself, my worlds and others who are in them. For now, I will keep walking, one foot in front of the other, being careful not to lose my balance in this life without a handrail.

Cat as Catch Can

2008-07-20T11:43:00.000-07:00

I’ve been keeping my nose to the grindstone for an extended period of time now. I have finally understood what it is that causes people to turn away from their inner imp and focus instead on hammering away at what seems to be important in this life. (Que The Pretenders song “Back on the chain-gang) Personally, I have been hurling that hammer against the seemingly unyielding rock of many aspects of my life. What starts with energy, drive, and determination eventually give way to a state of exhaustion. I find it difficult to continue to throw my hammer against that rock of my life, and when I cannot lift it over my head anymore I find that inner space where the energy of my desire and intent has balanced with the apparent lack of progress and my exhausted resignation to continue.

Sometimes I have to stop and weigh the progress of my work against the time and energy I have spent towards that endeavor. It becomes obvious that although progress is being made, that I either need to abandon the task or find a bigger hammer.

It started with a single big rock. (Que lyrics from Funkadelic’s “One nation under a Groove”) It was blocking my path and I was irritated by it. I yelled at it. I screamed at it. I kicked it. I threw my shoulder against it. I used the force on it. No matter what I did, that *&#@!!!!!### rock wouldn’t move.

It seriously pissed me off.

The power of it’s unyielding presence intimidated me. It frustrated me and inspired a fury within me that I have never known to date. A fury so powerful that it frightened those around me, and in my heart of hearts, it frightened me a little too.

It awakened the pure animal Spirit within me as I seemed to revert into my more base animal instincts. As I slashed and clawed, hissed and growled at the rock it became apparent in my rage that my totem was that of a big Cat.

When the only way out of place appears to be blocked by a big rock, I had two choices. Find a way to remove the rock, or, accept that the Creator and the Universe has blocked my path for a reason that I cannot see or understand.

And so the work began. As I brought my powerful hammer down upon that rock, I was given a sense of hope as small bits and pieces yielded to my strength and fell away. Encouraged, I increased my effort and more of this rock shattered under the force of my will.

I continued hammering away at the rock. Shards of the rock blew back at me and cut me. I continued with bloody hands and the sweat of my exertion blinded my eyes. Then I had a setback as I discovered that the rock had varying densities. The core of the rock was unbreakable. I tried everything, but it just wouldn’t yield. Anger became futility. Futility became sadness. Sadness became serious depression.

Eventually, I acknowledged that this was the end of that path.

So I decided (typically of me) that if I had to have this rock in the path of my life, that by God I was going to at very least leave my mark upon it. If my path of progress toward my desire and intent had been arrested (never mind that I really don’t know what that is), then I had no choice but to set up camp and figure out my next move. If I had to look at that rock every day then I was going to at least shape it into a more pleasing state. If this is to be where I am to stop, well then I would celebrate this rock as the milestone to the end of my travels and make it the centerpiece of my garden. I began on the soft pieces of the rock that I could remove easily. There was no thought to what I was doing. I merely cut away what seemed useless and unnecessary.

I worked on this rock for years. It occurs to me that I will likely spend the rest of my life hammering on this rock. But it really doesn’t matter, as I am trapped here, and there isn’t really anything else to do.

So I stopped for now. I’ve decided to rest. I’ve been chipping away on this rock for a very long time and I’ve never taken a break from the task since it started.

I threw the tools down and walked away from the rock.

For the first time since I began this project, I have laid eyes on what I have been unconsciously working on.

As I turned around to look at that rock, I realized that I had carved it into my own likeness.

As I stare at it in wonder and confusion, I realize that it’s beautiful.

Tears well up as I begin to have a glimmer of understanding of why it marks the end of that path, and why I will work on it for the rest of my life.

Excuse Me...

2008-07-06T10:53:00.000-07:00

Excuse me
If I may
Turn your attention
My way
One moment
I won't plead
It isn't much
It's what I need

And what's so small to you
Is so large to me
If it's the last thing I do
I'll make you see

If you turn from me
You darken my sun
You snap that thin thread
I call my horizon
And I'd like to remind you
Of something small
That the rock in this pocket
Could cause your fall

And what's so small to you
Is so large to me
If it's the last thing I do
I'll make you see

So small to you
And so large to me
If its the last thing I do
I'll make you see

I might be out like a light
Extinguished in the throw
But I'll hit my mark
And you'll know
Because I'm really well acquainted
With the span of your brow
And if you didn't know me then
You'll know me now
You'll know me now

And what's so small to you
Is so large to me
If its the last thing I do
I'll make you see

So small to you
And so large to me
If it's the last thing I do
I'll make you see
Make you see
Make you see

(A Rock in this Pocket {Song of David} by Suzanne Vega

“Remember your Divinity”

“You are a beautiful Spirit, and capable of making a beautiful world”

“Creator Loves YOU”

“Show me that you can live without Fear, TRUST, in the process”

“Love that person who is the person you want to be. Then be that person”

“Be who you ARE”

She Loves me.....She Loves me Not...

2008-06-22T22:59:00.000-07:00

A statement punctuated by each pull of a flowers petals until the answer to one of the worlds oldest questions stares us right in the face: and we still don’t get it.

(For if the Goddess can find me Lovable, then surely I must be...)

(...and if she doesn’t Love me, then must I suffer and make all those around me suffer as well?)

At some point in our lives, all of us are searching for validation. Some of us are aware of the search, while others continue to look in an unconscious state, wandering through their lives in a seemingly un-awakened state, yearning to find that THING. That THING, that would resolve the emotional hunger pangs which we cannot seem to get a solid enough grasp upon. More often, it has us flailing about wildly, open armed and frantically trying to grasp smoke.

Over time it becomes apparent, (usually after repeated heartbreak and letdown from unfulfilled experiences) that we will never actually satiate that hunger or emotional need by putting ourselves out there on the block and trying to find that special someone who will magically ...”do the trick.”

No, it isn’t until we finally reach that point in life where the sum total of our experiences begin to develop and illustrate a pattern to us that we have the opportunity to become aware that what we are doing isn’t going to be the solution. Unfortunately, many of us will have fallen by the wayside into self-destructive behavior as a direct result of NOT being able to make that imagined connection LONG before they have reached the point where they will see the answer. Why? Because on SOME level they will internalize their lack of success and misinterpret the reasons why they are not succeeding. They will believe that the reasons for not making a connection are because they are not “good enough” or “not together enough”, or not “mature enough”. These are the slights that we may have judged others with and eventually subconsciously judge ourselves with when it becomes apparent that we have had no more success than those we have judged in the past. In fact, most of the judgments we tend to make about others seem to stem from fears that we may have about ourselves but want to displace away from ourselves on to others.

It’s all so unnecessary.

We never really know what it is that we are looking for. Our subconscious works in mysterious ways. Is it our subconscious, or is it our Higher Self.....a Spirit Guide, and Angel....or even the Divine, that guides our behavior or choices?

Choices.

That is the very essence of what life is about here on planet Earth School.

Our choices define many things. They define our personality, our interaction with everyone and everything from our closest mates to our position in society and our reputation in the world.

I remember a book that comes to mind on my parents bookshelf that I saw as a child. “I’m okay, You’re okay”. I haven’t read that book yet, but something tells me that I might ought to. It seems to possibly be directed in a similar vein.

So it is at this point that I become aware of just how much of the world’s expressed pain is the direct result of all those people trying to run from their very basic fear of ....”not being okay”. The end result of which becomes, obviously, that we are NOT BEING OKAY!

As we learn to love ourselves and perceive the Divinity within ourselves, it becomes far far easier to accept others as being of the Divine as well.
Think for a moment, what the world might be like if everyone here could realize that although bad things can happen to us all, that we are all basically..........okay. We would no longer have the need to prove to others that we were NOT okay and therefore would not continue along our path of “personal bests” in the process of demonstrating to others that we are really......NOT.....okay.

So. An object in motion tends to stay in motion. (whether in forward or reverse.......you catch my drift?)

Let’s move forward. Let’s believe that we are okay. Let’s believe that those around us are also, okay. Let’s believe that the Divine Creator really does love us. (hey, why not? what have we got to lose, right?)
Let’s believe that our Divine Creator can show up in cameo appearances in the eyes of those around us. (Kind of like Agent Smith moves through available bodies in the film “The Matrix”)

Let’s give ourselves a break, and offer ourselves the CHANCE to really FEEL.......Okay.........Connected.....Loved.....Worthy.

Because when the many petals are plucked from that poor flower, all that remains is ONE.

Love Chiron’

Smile and the world smiles with you...

2008-06-07T23:56:00.001-07:00

I think that one of the most interesting discovery’s that I have made recently is just what the impact of a smile is on a persons face.

I recently went to meet someone who I had never seen in person before, and although I looked right at her, didn’t recognize her because she wasn’t smiling. Yet the moment that she began to smile, I knew her immediately. I had no idea that a simple genuine smile could alter the topography of a face to that degree. Julie really does have a beautiful smile.

If she had not smiled, I would have thought that I had missed her and that she wasn’t actually in the room at all.

What does this say about the impact of a smile in general in our lives on a daily basis?

How are other aspects of our lives altered because of a missing smile?

According to my mechanic, a person can burn forty calories a day if you laugh for just 15 minutes a day. (No wonder he is so thin!) Dan almost always has a smile on his face.

It makes me wonder how many of the potential opportunities may be initiated simply because we are smiling.

A simple genuine smile can take your average everyday person and turn them into an attractive thing of beauty.

The charm school instructor in the move “Point of no return” instructs our heroine Bridget Fonda (one of my all-time favorite dream gals) to “Always smile when you enter a room, it puts others at ease”.

I’m quite certain that a smile also causes our own body to react emotionally as well. Especially if the smile is genuine.

Sometimes it becomes difficult to smile though. The saying “Grin and bare it” comes to mind. We have heard that saying so often that I think it has somewhat lost it’s original comedic appeal. In some cases people don’t even know to what “bare it” refers to.

But in the end, (cackling) it doesn’t matter. As I have stated before, all of what is......is merely a process of coming to be, and then falling away.
What matters to us as members of earth-school, is that we fully understand the lack of relevance of all the small things in our lives, (the material possessions, the level of our popularity, the mark that we leave behind us on this world in terms of our accomplishments).

All of it pales in comparison to the value of how we learn to simply treat each other.

When our life is done, when it is all over, if we have left behind a memory of our smile in the hearts and minds of those we have loved, then we have lived a rich and rewarding life.

Love and Respect

2008-06-03T23:25:00.000-07:00

There is no “THEM”....

There is only.....”US”

Re-SPECT

Looking at the word, it seems to be code for an older wiser meaning than what the commonly accepted vernacular seems to represent in these times.

Respect. To HONOR. Re=to repeat. Spect= to look. The act of Respecting is to RE LOOK. To take another perspective, to re-examine. To re-evaluate. To honor another viewpoint.

In my world, it becomes apparent to me that the only way that I can ever truly respect (or honor) myself, is to “show others respect”. For, as I recognize that I am connected to all things, I also recognize that to respect others IS to respect myself.

It necessarily follows then, that if I can NOT respect (or show honor to) others, I can not honor myself. (because of that little snag where I am connected and basically indivisible from all else, whether I am aware of that or not)

So I guess this means I have to honor other ........everything?

Yup, looks that way.

Because it is all but an extension of what I am. Some other way of expressing that witch is me.

Whether I am gazing upon another race, religion, philosophy, expression of sexuality, expression of the body politic, belief of being (or non being as the case may be) perspective on reality, or of course, most importantly....
who makes the best car.

It’s all part of me. As I stretch my mind around that......FACT.

I am humbled. Fortunately, God gave me an energy, a tool, a catalyst to help me accept that which seems foreign or prohibitively distant to me.

He gave me the ability to Love. All I need to do, to learn to accept all that there is that is out there.....that is OTHER forms of ME........is to Love.

As I learn to open my heart, and Love freely, I discover that my heart increases it’s capacity, it’s potential, it’s strength, to Love.

John was really telling us the truth. All we need is Love.

Memorial Day

2008-05-26T19:42:00.000-07:00

It is said that there can be a better world.

It is said that it is better to become active and fight for a solution to today’s problems, than to complain and do nothing.

Our country was built on the shoulders of courageous men and women throughout our history. Men and women of all races, religions and philosophies have demonstrated their strength to us all.

The strength I speak of isn’t the strength of muscle, or armament. It isn’t the strength of putting our petty differences aside for the purpose of our nations common good.

The strength I speak of is the strength of conviction. Commitment. The strength to face the fear of the unknown when circumstance suggests overwhelmingly that to do so is putting the instinct of self preservation aside. Putting the need to defend one’s own life behind the need to defend another's life, or, way.......of life.

Or, is it a reflection of the concept of self being much larger than a single individual?

Unity of purpose. Unity of mind. Unity of spirit. America has been referred to in the past as “The melting pot”. I submit that the kettle of American military service is where the broth of American values comes together.

Duty. Honor. Loyalty. Self-Sacrifice. Pain. Fear. Hope. and Love.

As a member of the family of the American Military, I salute you for continuing to carry on our code. Our values. Our message to the world.

You are the best of what we are.

Thank you.

A Stitch in Time

2008-05-26T12:18:00.000-07:00

...and what began initially as more of a change in atmospheric condition, began to make itself known with a gentle invasion. Like vapor entering a room, the change in attitude and perspective was imperceptible at first, and manifesting itself so slowly that there was no indication that life had ever been any different.

...and so it was with him, the world, and it’s condition universally.

The only constant in reality is it’s inconsistency. Each aspect of reality pinwheels around the fulcrum of what is held up and examined, rendering adjacent occurrence seemingly insignificant. However, all that is, remains interwoven with long threads which usually remain latent, only to reveal themselves connected by the snag of the observers caught attention.

Indication of movement becomes subjective. Brooding clouds of emotion offer rain for indeterminate period of time.

And it rained.

For one season after another. It continued to rain. The spirit drowning in adversity as the water level continued to rise. Desperation forms one last cry as the spirit is submerged and disappears into the black, the depths where shadows of meaning make their home.

The waterlogged soul swells until one day, the new sprout of spirit is born.

Upward, beyond the waterline the promise of alternative reality beckons. Yearning and desperate for light the spirit moves upward, reaching.
Feeding with the roots from the past deep water the spirit breaks through to minimal resistance, where the dawning sun nourishes.

A May Day

2008-05-19T23:42:00.000-07:00

“Are you Single?”

“Are you Gay?”

“Are you Working?”

If Lisa’s interrogation technique isn’t just hitting the nail on the head I don’t know what would describe single life in 2008 better. I’m referring of course to the movie “P.S. I Love you”. (Quite honestly the most significant film to come out of Hollywood in quite a while, but I’ll review it elsewhere, later)

I have had several conversations with people lately, and completely unintentionally, have run across a general feeling of resigned indifference among those I spoke with in regard to their level of hope when it comes to finding someone.

How things change when you wake up and find yourself over forty and single.

It is such a head spin really.

It seems as though as people we all find ourselves slowly outgrowing those things in our life which have held us back. Ironic really. Although we may dread the thought of attempting to define our lives in a manner other than who we spend it with, who we love or who loves us, it is at that precise moment of clarity when the pressure of making a perceived deadline expires in our life, that we are finally freed from constrictive vision.

Separations are difficult. There are moments, to be sure, of extreme distress, but over time things become a little more desensitized. People say that time heals all wounds, but what they REALLY mean is, time will grind away your need to care about the things that you cannot control or understand with the efficiency of a power sander.

I think one of the most difficult aspects of a separation is that when we love someone, REALLY love them. We have a tendency to define our world around them. When they are gone, our world collapses. The foundation upon which everything is built is destroyed. First we have to learn to live again. Then we have to rebuild our world, sometimes completely from the ground up.

The aging process just accelerates and modifies these processes.

How do we build our lives in the first place?

We live in life's fun-house hall of mirrors.

We learn about ourselves when we see ourselves reflected in others. How they see us shows us what we are like. The more consistent the feedback we get from larger numbers of people, the more we integrate those perceptions as part of what we actually are.

We define ourselves by what we do. Who we love. Who knows us. Who loves us. Our position in a group of friends. Our position in the pecking order at work. Our position in our church. The relationships that we share with our neighbors. Even our relationships with our own and our neighbors pets. All of these mirrors help us to see ourselves. We define ourselves by the mirrored reflection of ourselves that we see in others eyes.

In a loving caring community of people, these mirrors can be helpful. Like playing with a chemistry set, we mix our personality with other personalities and create reactions of all different kinds. Some of these reactions we take pleasure in. Some of the reactions are unfavorable.
But we learn from all the experiences equally. This helps shape an image in our minds about who we really are. It helps us to define the difference between ourselves and others. From this we define our personal worlds.

In a fragmented community where people are more self serving than loving, more opportunistic than supportive, or more suspicious than open, the safety net of love is not present. Destruction reigns over Love.
All parties lose.

Then, there are those who, like myself, were born to a crippling shyness which prevented interaction with other people. I did not have the consistency of community reflection. I could not therefore see myself. An incredibly vicious cycle whose teeth tore at me for many long years, and whose scars still cross my heart to this very day. I could not enter into a group of people because I could not face not knowing who those people saw. My desire to be accepted outweighed my need to be seen in any certain way. I integrated too much of what others perceived (incorrectly) about me. As I look back, I begin to see why.

I attended five high schools in four years. I did not feel connected enough to attend high school prom. I was forced by circumstance to learn to survive without a solid self image. I learned instead to become a mirror. My friendships were sparse and often very intense as a result of those friends giving me the love I would normally have received from a larger number of people. These people were incredibly strong in character to reach beyond the silver lining of my highly reflective surface, to reach deeper in......to find me.

Those people literally, saved my life. I will never be able to fully express the depth of my gratitude and love, for all of you. You have been my lovers and my best friends. You have shared what you have seen in me, WITH me, and by your efforts have helped me to finally understand a measure of who I am. You have helped shape me into what I am today.

So now, at the incredible age of 43, (can you say late bloomer anyone?)
I finally can turn from a past where unrelenting pain and sorrow has been my lifelong companion, and look forward. I will look forward through my past until I can get to my present, and then I will look beyond.

I will not fear living a life of solitude any longer. It is time for me to realize that I have “been there, DONE that”. If I wind up living a life of solitude, then that is what I will have, and it will be good. After a very long time of contemplating the whole life thing, all I can say to anyone feeling similarly is this. Maybe I have been looking at this all wrong. Maybe I am not here.....for myself. Maybe I am here for others. From this perspective I can rest assured that my life will have meaning. For as I will raise all those around me who desire to integrate my influence, of my love and support, my life will come to have meaning. My existence will be understandable to me, my passage through this world will come into sharp focus.

I ..........Will ...........Love.

The Spirit and the Will come together.
The Divine enters into equal partnerships, and the trinity becomes A-parent.

I will no longer wait for my love to find me. I will instead love those around me. I will no longer search in vain for my love, for my love has been here all along, waiting, to be expressed. Waiting patiently for me to learn that unconditional love, is just that. Instead of being selective and compartmentalizing my love, I will share it, universally.

So I see that this May Day is more about potential and less about dis-stress. More about acceptance and less about fear. More about hope and less about tears.

Mothers Day

2008-05-10T17:32:00.000-07:00

A time to recognize and honor our mothers. A celebration of not just the feminine, but specifically the aspect of feminine nurturance and sacrifice.

Mother’s Day is more than just a moment in time to remember those who have sacrificed of themselves for our benefit. It is a time to recognize the Divine aspect of what a mother really is to us.

“Mother is the name for God from the lips of children.”

This is a quote from the movie “The Crow” as I’m sure you’ll all remember. I think I got it right, but I’m too tired to look it up, but you get the idea.

It made me wonder upon hearing it what that meant that the word “Father”, was supposed to mean. Does that mean that “Father” represents Satan?

(laughing)

From this I went on to think about how “To Mother” isn’t necessarily limited to women.

Strangely, some of the most nurturant people I have ever known, were in fact, men.

So what is it that we celebrate of our mothers on this day?

I submit that what we are really celebrating is our very first relationship.

First contact.

From the moment we were conceived, our mothers were there. They were the first person that we became aware of. They were the liason between the world we do not now remember, and the world where we reside today.

All of us are raised with the unmistakable bias of what our mothers thought. We are an extension of them. Their pain, their pleasure, their hopes and dreams and even their fear.

The intimate bond between our Mothers and ourselves is perhaps the single most significant aspect of the human condition...which we all share regardless of race, religion, nationality, or even our sex. If we are alive, then at one point we had a Mother. A woman who cherished us and didn’t qualify the unconditional love that she gave to us.

We all want our Mothers to be proud of us. We all want her to know that no matter how many years have passed, or how many miles are between us, or even how many disagreements that have ever come between us, that at our deepest core, we want and need their approval and their Love.

Our Mothers don’t make life easy for us. They push us and challenge us to do things that we might never have the courage to try without them firmly behind us. They can drive us to the brink of insanity with their inflexibility and their quirky idiosyncratic personality traits, and yes, sometimes with their pitchfork. They were and are an extension of THEIR Mothers. The Divine nature of our Mothers has been passed down through time and space into the heart and eyes of the woman standing before you. All of her Love, and all of her pain are a part of who she is. Equally, all of her Love and pain is a part of who we are. Sometimes I wonder if all the world might become at peace if we could only erase our mothers pain.

Mothers Day is a day to recognize the beautiful aspect of self sacrifice. For our Mothers have given much in order for us to be.

My Mother is incredible. She has helped fashion me into who I am. She has taught me Love and discipline, self sacrifice and purity. She is the anvil upon which I was forged by the hammer of life. She knows me in ways that I don’t even know myself. She knows my strengths and my weaknesses. She is my author, and I am one of her masterpieces.

I hope that what I give to the world is worthy, of what my mother sacrificed to create me.

I love you mom.

Chiron’

Third Wind

2008-04-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

In memory of Reed Murray.

I am finally beginning to grasp the concept that when I, myself, am undergoing terrific movement in my world... that it isn’t just me in that world experiencing movement.

With this in mind I’d like to take a moment, a breather, and pause for a second to encourage everyone that this................all this...............is just a process of falling away and coming to be.

As I continue down my path I am more and more convinced that of the many theories that I’ve had regarding life and existence on this planet, that the one of “EarthSchool” is gaining ground in becoming my foremost opinion.

As I sit here this morning nursing the many aches and pains that my body reports to me, I also become aware that all of these various aches and pains are highly reflective to me in a very physical way of my passage through the experiences of the last week.

Our Corpus boatshow always brings about an opportunity for all of us at the shop to display to ourselves and each other that we can not only function under extreme duress, but that we can do so and still manage to let the best of who we are come out and come forth. I cannot help but find it strangely ironic that the Corpus Christy boatshow is located in a place named after the body of Christ. In the last two years, each time we have had this show I have simultaneously been required by the Universe to release a lot of things that I have been holding on to.

This morning I listen to October Projects “Return to Me” first thing upon waking in the morning with my cup of over-strong starbucks colombian coffee. I like to put Vanilla Caramel “coffee dust” as I call it, in there and what happened originally as an accident has now seemingly become somewhat of a ritual.

I used to listen to this song thinking of my ex, but lately, more and more I realize that it was indicative of the rune representing messages. The reference of “Return to Me” is that of my Higher Self, or maybe even the Divine talking to me trying desperately to get my attention. There is just something about the key of this song. The way it begins with notes stretching forward, but not necessarily up or down. It is music that to me represents a lateral stretch, forward. I can listen to it over and over, and I do.

So now, I listen to the same music with a completely different emphasis.
Now, upon my day off, I follow this simple ritual to call myself back. To consciously bring myself back to center space and to love and encourage myself as well as to acknowledge the dust on me from the path that I travel.

The latest lesson I believe I have been being taught was that of “acceptance”. Last year I lost a great deal of control in my life and became terrified that I could no longer move forward under my own power with any sense of sanity because I couldn’t manage to stay in control of even the smallest aspects of what occurred in my life. I lost people close to me, I lost material possessions and finally, I seemed to lose the need to be at the helm of my life. It was extremely painful and depressing.

Family and friends refused to give up on me and although their methods weren’t always appreciated, they did manage to keep poking me with a stick in one way or another until I began to move again, if for no other reason than out of my own agitated irritation.

I suppose another way of putting it would be that I was a ship on the water running at full speed until I threw a rod. I didn’t just break a drive componet, I torched the entire drive-train. I continued to move forward on the same heading for a while as the inertia of my immense effort finally faded away leaving me motionless in the water, drifting without power or directional control.

I spent a good while motionless, listening to the water lapping up against my ship, just thinking about things. About the time I was ready to abandon ship, something I never expected happened. The soft breath of the wind blew in off the water.

I suppose that is the lesson. It’s fine to go tearing about in my ship under the well developed horsepower of my will, as long as I remain mindful that, on occasion, it’s really best to raise a sail and allow myself to be carried in a direction that I normally wouldn’t have thought to go.

Reed Murray was one of my Warrior Brothers.

In the middle of the insanity that is my life, I took time out to attend a Warrior meeting seemingly against my better judgment as far as spending time away from the itinerary of my lifes various deadlines.

Of the many many men that were at that meeting, I seemed to keep bumping into Reed. I thought it was funny at the time. We were trying to get something organized and because Reed is such a natural leader, I kept asking him questions about what he wanted done here or there.

I had asked him, who was in charge? (so that I could direct my questions to the person who was running the show)

He finally became irritated with me and told me with a loving smile that when I was running the show, I could do things like I wanted to.

Such a strange message to be the last thing he ever said to me.

Reed Murray was killed in a motorcycle accident on Tuesday.

The look in his eyes when he last looked at me will remain with me forever.

Reed Murray was a man of Love.

I aspire to be like you Reed. I thank you for being in my life and sharing your wisdom with me. Thank you for helping teach me the lesson that sometimes, you just have to let go, and that it’s not a bad thing, but just a thing.

Love
Chiron’

Quiet Storm

2008-04-08T18:57:00.000-07:00

Clouds scurried across the horizon, twisting and writhing their way across the sky in autumn colors.

The sun, low , a brilliant orange orb. He stared at it, but it wasn’t bright enough to blind him.

The wind idly caressed his body...teasing his emotions. Punctuating his thoughts.

He felt this particular .....moment.

He knew instinctively, that this was a turning point. He felt the universe waiting......

wondering what he would do.

He was at peace.

The flurry of humanity around him receded in his awareness.

A warm feeling surrounded him as he looked off into the sunset.

This was familiar.

He knew this feeling. He’d felt it before. A curious sense of deja’vu.

Someone was here. He could sense their presence.

It was kind. Understanding. Consoling.

As he realized what he was experiencing, a flock of birds took off into the sky before him, as if in answer to his silent query.

He realized there were tears flowing down his cheek. So beautiful, he thought.

Suddenly his body was wracked with emotion. An unexpected sob threatened to break the spell.

It didn’t.

He felt his fear and sorrow melt away as the sun bathed him in orange light.

It was so quiet he felt like he could actually hear the suns movement.

"so you are God", he whispered.

He felt like he had been winked at.

So much was communicated to him in that moment, and yet not a single thought entered his head. He was afraid he would miss it, forget it, not get it.

The presence just brushed his hair lightly, held his heart, and whispered to him.

"I love you."

"I’m here."

"it’s going to be okay"

The feeling trailed away with the last light of the sun as it silently dipped under the horizon.

He felt his consciousness snap back and he thought, "did that really just happen?"

He thought he must be really losing his grasp of reality.

Well, regardless of whether it did or didn’t actually happen, it was beautiful, and it made me feel better, he thought.

He got back into his vehicle and began to get back on the road.

He had loaded some new music on his mp3 player. He hadn’t listened to it yet. Perhaps this was a good time?

He queued up the first song. Jose Gonzales. Curious. He didn’t remember loading any religious music on the player. The song said it was called, "crosses".

He was well on his way now, entering the interstate highway, when the lyrics to the song hit him.

"Don’t you know that I’ll be around to guide you
Through your weakest moments to leave them behind you
Returning nightmares only shadows
We’ll cast some light and you’ll be alright
We’ll cast some light and you’ll be alright for now

Crosses all over, heavy on your shoulders
The sirens inside you waiting to step forward
Disturbing silence darkens you sight
We’ll cast some light and you’ll be alright
We’ll cast some light and you’ll be alright for now

Crosses all over the boulevard
Crosses all over the boulevard
Crosses all over the boulevard
Crosses all over the boulevard

The streets outside your window overflooded
People staring, they know you’ve been broken
Repeatedly reminded by the looks on their faces
Ignore them tonight and you’ll be alright
We’ll cast some light and you’ll be alright"

His mind reeled as he realized what had just happened...and the tears

came again.

and again.

and again.

For the first time in almost a year, he felt genuine hope, and more than a little awe.

It's ..about...Time

2008-04-07T18:03:00.000-07:00

(or, incoherent ramblings of a mad scientist)

The sound of a clock ticked loudly in his ears.

He thought about the spaces between the ticks.

It seemed as if a whole universe of life could exist in that short period of time, if only one were moving fast enough. He wondered if the knowledge of the concept of elapsed time was the subconscious programming that we all unconsciously adopt....and by embracing it, seal our own fates to be measured in such a manner. It naturally brings up the question that if we were to outright REJECT the concept of time as being linear and mechanical, would our understanding of what time is be any different?

He knows that there is both fast time, and slow time. That even within the construct which was seemingly unmoved by actual perception, time was yet still elusive and somehow still managed to not allow itself to be pinned down by man.

He thought that maybe time wasn’t in fact just a concept, but rather a force of nature. A physical thing which came in differing relative densities. As we pass through fast time, the day will end with us surprised, still remembering the morning yawns and the confusion about how long it appeared to take an exorbitant amount of time to do the simplest things, like wake up with a cup of coffee.

Yet some of the time, he experienced slow time. No amount of activity, diversion or even sleep would seem to hurry things along.

Perhaps the mechanical time of his clock is actually just a metronome, to standardize the fast and slow time pulses that we all individually experience, and thereby homogenizing the experience of time for everyone?

He pondered the latent anagram of the word time. Emit. Emit what?
Energy? Light? Activity? Life?

Life.

Emitting life. Now that has a nice ring to it. As if our lifeforce were something we came out of the womb with.....bottled up inside of us and we spend it every moment until it is exhausted.

Certainly that is ONE aspect of time, but half of the time we don’t experience time as a commodity which manifests itself to us in surplus.

When was the last time that you heard someone pause, and say, “yes......we have some time”? More often what we all hear is frantic frightened wails of spirits who run across the motion picture of our lives like some cameo appearance of a certain rabbit, lamenting how they haven’t ENOUGH time. Some so agitated that their overloaded schedule has driven them into a sort of almost robotic frenzy as they attempt to do all the things that they would normally do, but in a kinda fast forward way of doing it.

It makes me wonder about the whole time thing. The simple explanation for time and it’s inherent short supply of it relates back to the number of time-consuming things that we feel we must accomplish by a certain deadline. Humanity as a whole has a tendency to attempt to shorten the length of time that these items on our “to-do list” require of us. But the odd solution may in fact be the best one. Instead of attempting to increase the physical speed of our bodies and running willy-nilly trying to do everything faster, maybe what is called for instead is to simply increase the speed of our own internal frequency?

As we raise our level of awareness we become more sensitized to how we think, and also, what...we think. As we become more aware of our own thought processes, we may also become aware of how much time we spend on redundancy. (How many times must we repeat a certain scenario in our head before we accept that what we have constructed as a representative model is something that we accept as a truth)

What if we could increase the effenciency of our thought processes to the point where we gain time by reducing the mental crosstalk which otherwise blocks or disrupts positive action in a given amount of time?

This seems to make sense, however, it implies that the way to move faster through time is to increase our mental speed, and slow our physical speed. This in and of it itself is an entirely OTHER can of worms.

There are two aspects of time. One, the aspect of time which is measured or experienced by the spirit of a body, the other, the aspect of the physical body itself.

This would support the idea that the most basic aspect of time in terms of the experience OF time by a physical being, would be the speed at which our bodies extract energy from a protein source and exchange waste in the process of chemically processing energy sources. This aspect of time appears to be somewhat fixed. (other than the slight variation we can achieve by raising our metabolism)

The Spirit however is not limited to such time constraints. Our spirit is energy, and of course the next logical question is, does our spirit have the ability to keep itself energized without the aspects of energy that the physical body transfers to it? If we believe that a spirit moves on and leaves the physical body behind when the body expires, then we must postulate that the energy developed by the body winds up being merely FOR the body and not the spirit. This suggests that although it may be possible for the spirit of our body's to manipulate time, that our bodies may only experience time in a fixed linear way.

This theory sets a foundation for the understanding of how a spiritual experience may occur in a “different time zone” than what the body experiences.

And that’s just a little bit .....about time.

Happy Anniversary ...

2008-04-04T05:58:00.000-07:00

To me! Whoo hoo!

April 2008 marks my being a part of the Austin Warrior community for a year now.

It's been a very tough topsy-turvy freak the hell OUT kinda year, but thanks to the love and support of my fellow Warrior Brothers, it was nothing I couldn't handle.

My deepest thanks and gratitude to the men who reached out a hand to me and invited me into their clan. It has been an honor to be included in a group of men who are dedicated to reaching out in assistance to other men.

As we continue forward in bringing together our dream of the Austin Warrior Training Center, I just wanted to honor you all for the time, energy and LOVE that you have shown me over the last year.

In the coming year, I will continue to work on myself and assist others in ...

"Holding space for the next man"

Ferocious Feline

Ham-let

2008-03-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

This is something I wrote with the release of Gibsons remake of Hamlet. Enjoy.

HAMLET

SHAKESPEARES SPIRIT DOTH ROLL IN IT’S GRAVE
AS CLOSE TO GIBSON AS A PRATTLEING KNAVE
GOD KNOWS WHAT HE MEANT WHEN HE WROTE THE PLAY
OH HAMLET , DEAR HAMLET, WHAT DECISION HAVE YOU MADE?
IS IT BETTER TO PLAY DUMB, AND TURN THE OTHER CHEEK?
OR WILL ZEUS & APOLLO FIND YOU A BIT TOO MEEK?
IS IT BETTER TO MAKE THE BEST OF THE DEAL
AND WASH CLAUDS BRIGHT SCARLET FROM YOUR SHINING STEEL?
YOU THINK OF THE WAY, YOU SHOULD BEHAVE
BASED ON THREADBARE CUSTOMS, OR SHOULD YOU SAVE
YOUR SOUL IN FORGIVENESS, MAY DAD FIGURE HIS PEACE
THE KINGS TORMENT OVER YEARS YOU COULD KEEP
BUT AS IT WAS WRITTEN YOU DIE IN YOUR SLEEP
NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE CHANCE OF DEFEAT
THUS JOINING YOUR FATHER IN ETERNAL TORMENT
YOU THRICE LET HIM DOWN NO CHILDREN TO CARRY ON
NO HEIR TO THE THRONE AND YOUR MOTHER IS GONE
AT THE RISK OF APPEARING QUITE RUTHLESS AND MEAN
I MENTION YOUR LOVE THAT YOU KILLED FOR A SCREAM
DIDN’T YOU CARE ENOUGH FOR HER TO GIVE HER A WINK
FOR THE NEXT TIME YOU SAW HER, WAS FACE-DOWN, IN THE DRINK?
AND WHAT OF HER BROTHER, SO YOUNG AND NAIVE
THE KING PICKED HIM WELL FOR HIS NEXT EVIL DEED.
ARE YOU SURE OH HAMLET IN BRIGHT SHINING LIGHT
THAT YOU DID HIM NO WRONG IN ACCEPTING THE FIGHT?
HAMLET OH HAMLET SO FULL OF THYSELF
DID YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN WHEN THY POKED IN THY SNOUT?

Dog

2008-03-22T09:04:00.000-07:00

AM I CAPTAIN OR AM I GRUNT
SPIRIT TO GUIDE ME, OR WILL I PUNT
THE BALL IN THE DIRECTION, THAT I AM TOLD
AND WHEN I KICK IT, WILL I BE GOLD
TO THE MAN, WHOMEVER, IT MAY BE,
WHO DRAGS MY LEASH WHEN I NEED TO PEE?

I AM A DOG FOR ALL SEASONS
I’M TAUGHT TO SIT, I’M TAUGHT TO BARK
I’M TAUGHT TO USE CAUTION, WHEN LEAVING MY MARK
I’M TOLD TO FOLLOW ALL OF THE RULES
AND WITHIN THE BOUNDRIES, I’M FREE TO CHOOSE
MY FATE
MUSTN’T PROCRASTINATE
IF I DO IT WILL BE TOO LATE
AND THEN I WON’T BE ABLE TO HAVE ANY CAKE
UNLESS I’M AN OFFICIAL ON THE TAKE
BETTER TO JUST SET THE DATE
CHASE $MONEY AND LEAVE DREAMS TO FADE
‘CAUSE MONEY IS SOMETHING GOOD TO YOU
AND DREAMS ARE JUST A PILE OF GOO.

IS LIFE AT WORK SOMETHING YOU HATE
OR CAN YOU WORK AND CONSIDER IT GREAT?
ALL I KNOW IS IN ORDER TO HAVE TIME
YOU MUST GIVE UP FORTUNE AND LIVE ON A DIME
AND IF PERCHANCE ITS MONEY YOUR NEEDEN’
THEN GIVE ALL YOUR TIME AND FORGET ABOUT FREEDOM.

Chiron’
Bad Labs©1992

Secret Agent's Dilemma

2008-03-03T20:18:00.000-08:00

Doing the right thing.

Believe it or not...

human beings tend to always want to do the right thing. Usually, they do, too. It only becomes more difficult to make the correct choices, when those choices are counterbalanced by personal interest, or muddied by the confusion of trying to make choices for someone else’s “best interest”.

Once we allow ourselves to succumb to the temptation of making choices for someone else, even if it appears to be in their “best interest”, we are effectively eliminating that persons free will. If we take action to block someone’s free will, or through inaction, allow someone else’s free will to be lost, what would we really be doing? Can we honestly say that taking free will from another human being is the right thing to do? Sometimes the universe teaches us lessons in reverse. I’m referring to hardship. Doesn’t it follow then, that if a circumstance appears dire and we believe that someone is making the wrong choices, that to step in and make decisions that block or disallow that individuals free will is the wrong thing to do?

Beyond the consequence of obvious manipulation of the circumstance surrounding another human being, the REAL issue here is that in participating in such an event, we are basically displaying a lack of faith in the universe, or the Divine. We would be telling the Divine, “no, it’s okay God, I’ve got this one. I know what’s best for someone else, even more than you do.”

It is a curious question to think about. The evaluation of such a circumstance becomes further complicated by still other, even bigger questions.

When do I know the difference between feeling called to act, or participate in a particular situation, verses knowing when I should stand back and have faith that I am NOT intended to change the dynamic of a situation by my stepping in?

When do I do the “right thing” in the name of the Divine, and when do I simply leave a situation alone, and simply trust that if a situation exists, that it must exist for a reason that is unfathomable to me and that it is the intention of the Divine that the situation occurs at all?

Sometimes people make hard lessons. Sometimes it seems the Divine makes hard lessons.

I don’t know the answer to this question. It is a question I ask myself many times in the course of a month. For now, I have decided to use what my heart tells me to do. I believe if I keep my heart tuned into the right place, then it will guide me appropriately. Having said that, I prefer to let all Spirits KEEP their free will. I will find other means of nudging them back on the path if I am called to do so. I figure, that if I “head someone off at the pass” and make decisions that affect someone else without their participation, then I would effectively be a “highway robber” and I would prevent that Spirit from learning what they would normally learn if they choose a path I do not recommend. In the “spirit” of that quandary, I raise awareness of the crossroads, and leave you to choose your own path.

Marathon

2008-03-02T10:55:00.000-08:00

The Kite Festival

Well, all week long I’ve been feeling anxious and tense without knowing what was going on.

This morning, I woke up and finally it hit me like an avalanche of pain.

Today is the Kite Festival.

For me, it’s an anniversary of sorts. Something that I really loved that I shared with someone I really loved. Someone who didn’t love me back.
I would love to be able to go, but I can’t. It’s still too painful. It’s incredible how something so innocuous can sneak up on me and just totally wipe me out with emotion.

I have been doing so much better lately, and now I feel like I have to start all over again. At times like this it feels like I will never escape this pain. Maybe the feeling will pass.

The magnitude of emotion that I am experiencing is really unbelievable. So powerful as to be able to seemingly wipe out all the sense of progress that I have made. It is able to minimize all of my accomplishments while maximizing my sense of futility, loss.

Lately it feels like my heart has been going through an obstacle course, and it hasn’t been doing very well. My tears blind me to what is up ahead. True to my nature, whether I clear the hurdles or not I keep going. It’s the only thing that I really know. . To just keep going. Like the stitch of pain in the side of a runner, the pain and emotion tries to disable me. Just keep going. Ignore the bloodcurdling screams of pain from within. Just keep going. Ignore the feelings of weak exhaustion and hopelessness. Just keep going. I have no understanding of where my destination lies, or why I find myself in this race. Just keep going. Eventually the pain and the run become one. Just keep going. Just keep going. Just keep going.

“Don’t Stop.”

Idle Thoughts...

2008-02-25T04:17:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one who is getting more than a little pissed off about local government and their apparent lack of ability to prioritize and deal with the issue of high priced transportation?

The Government is seriously putting it TO us. Look at this.

Back in the day when gasoline was sub $2 a gallon it might have made a certain degree of sense to NOT deal with the issues of traffic, traffic flow, speed limits etc. However, NOW....it’s a different story.

The longer we wait to make this a red alert priority the more ALL of us will suffer.

I find it amazing that we have such a ridiculous situation as watching everyone completely freak out regarding the cost of fuel, yet, the number of tanks on the road has NOT significantly changed.

There was a time when drive through service was viable. At this point, I’m not sure we are doing ANYONE any favors by making window service at a drive-through available for any business that makes customers wait for longer than five minutes. Everywhere you look we have people waiting in a line of cars pumping exhaust into our fair city while accomplishing absolutely nothing. The streetlight situation is obscene. It didn’t really matter much in the past, what with 50% less cars on the road and fuel that was 50% the expense that it is today. But it certainly makes a difference now. Now, not only do we have more than twice as many cars on the road, idling in traffic at unnecessary stoplights, stuck in drive-throughs which are overloaded and take forever to get through, but also there is the flip-side of the argument. Once we actually get these vehicles packed onto the highway, and when traffic ISN”T at a dead standstill, why do we have speed limits which absolutely clog the highways ability to evacuate the traffic OUT of the area in a timely manner?

Am I the only one who sees that this is completely insane?

The solution.

Highways need traffic flow indicators spaced every so often which allow drivers to have advance warning of traffic conditions ahead. Speed limits need to be raised to 70m.p.h. in city limits and 80m.p.h. on the highway out of city limits. The law allowing people to pass on the right hand side of the road needs to be revoked. All passing should occur on the left hand side. The extreme right hand lane off an access road needs to have a speed limit which is low enough for people to actually have the ability to turn OFF and Get ON to it. Traffic lights THROUGHOUT the city need to me much more closely monitored for waste. They need to be synchronized and built with late night mode switching etc.

Folks, the more we bring traffic to a dead stop and having it sitting there, WAITING to move....the more unnecessary pollution we are pumping into the air in our fair city. The LONGER a trip takes to get from point a to point b, the more fuel we will expend, the more pollution we will create, the more stress we will place on our citizens tempers, wallets and their bodies. At a very basic level, this is bad for everything. Bad for business, bad for health, bad for creating unnecessary road rage, bad for creating excess pollution. Bad for making a trip across town cost a citizen much more than it has to.

We cannot do much about the explosive growth which has increased the number of cars on the roads, nor can we do much regarding the out of control inflation of the price of fuel. But what we, the citizens of this fine city CAN DO..........is make sure that when someone turns the key, that we aren’t flagrantly adding unnecessary pollution, frustration, and heat to our home here.

We do this by getting serious about dealing with the WAY we manage traffic on the roads. Keep vehicles moving....until they get to their destinations, and keep them moving to their destinations as fast as we can safely manage. Prevent.........cars from lining up on the highway to sit still and burn TONS of fuel while simultaneously producing TONS of pollution.

This isn’t something we need to talk about and kick around for a while.

This is something we need to deal with TODAY.

Staring into the Abyss...

2008-02-23T16:54:00.000-08:00

All this time I have been desirous of being able to take the time to just stop.

To reflect, and ponder the state of my affairs, to stop and check for my position on the map and ensure I am still on my intended path or find out that I have wandered into the rough.

I had a curious twist of insight, when I realized that in my ulitmate frustration of not being able to get anything done, that no matter what my intention I wound up each time I had an opportunity to sit still......that sitting still has been just about ALL that I could accomplish. The frustrations mounted continuously until, poised at the brink of an incredible silent scream, I realized........that maybe sitting still is what I am being directed to do. That Spirit has stopped me dead in my tracks with neck problems for....a reason.

Funny how I wasn’t able to manage to put together into my head the curious synchronicity of having an overwhelming DESIRE to sit still and do nothing with the overwhelming physical circumstance of not being ABLE to do anything more than sitting still. Yet still, I fought it. I am conditioned by this world to believe that because it is my nature to be still and reflect that this is a bad thing. I have been conditioned by the necessity of playing catch-up all the time to experience extreme guilt or anxiety if I am not constantly using the free time I have to attempt to gain ground in regard to my to-do list.

But is that really it? Not just for me, I mean, but for all of us?

Could it be that the reason we have difficulty sitting still anymore is because we have difficulty dealing with our lack of purpose when no task defines us with it’s necessity?

Could it be?

To be able to sit still. To be able to acknowledge self in the silence of stillness is to not use the denial of the mundane to shy away from the issue that we all must....inevitably.....face.

What purpose do I serve? Why am I here? What the HELL is this all about?

Corny as it may sound, I’ve always believed that I was here to do one thing. I’ve always believed I was here for the primary purpose of giving love to everyone. Ok, there is that, but the primary reason I am here is to teach a little bit. Yet the primary reason I am here is to consume mass quantities of fresh pizza. Yup, that and the primary reason that I am here is to be the consumer of fine chocolate. That is, when I’m not doing my primary purpose of drinking only the best coffee. I try to work that in when I’m not doing my primary work, bringing hope and a smile to those who need it. But it’s not all sweetness and light you know, sometimes I have the unpleasant duty of my primary purpose, witch is to teach through adversity. To bring about the circumstances witch will enable a spirit to burn away all of it’s impurities, so that it may recognize it’s own divine reflection. However, my primary purpose here is to be a lover of women.
That is, until I have to fulfill my primary purpose of living by example. Then there’s that other thing, my primary purpose, which is to teach each and every human being I meet, of how incredibly special, and beautiful they are, which is usually a very difficult task because they have been taught otherwise. Sometimes, I am called on to engage in my primary purpose, which is to challenge belief structures and show that everything is all part of the same ...pie.

I guess until I am called upon for my primary purpose, I’ll just sit here a while and stare into the abyss.

My Watch has no second hand...

2008-01-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

I was feeling detached. 2007’s holiday season had ended. Strange feelings of disorientation wash over me. Curious feelings of connection to a higher power flicker just out of the range of my radar, flickering and indistinct. One second there is something there; the next minute there is nothing. The ambiguity of my sense impressions, maddening.

One minute I feel like I am wasting time. Hours pass, the waves of emotion relentlessly crashing against the rocks of my sanity. The sand that I stand upon erodes beneath my feet as each new wave crashes into my world.

The next minute I become aware of some type of progress, as deep levels of my consciousness shift and move. New experiences and information being integrated into all that I am. At this point I feel like I am NOT wasting time. There is purpose. There is intent. There is structure, and therefore, reason.

I feel at a loss, to realize that I cannot control how fast I can collect and sift through all the data that is my world. I become excruciatingly aware that each second of the process is one more second of the time that I have on this earth to live, seemingly, lost.

I have great fear, that the time I spend in contemplation may be time wasted. Yet I am also aware that without some sense of understanding, the whole of my passage through this plane of existence becomes meaningless and therefore irrelevant.

I examine where it is that my time is spent.

It’s as if there is a constant power struggle going on between my spirit and the will of my body. Some of the time it feels as though my spirit is a prisoner to this body. It seems as if my spirit and my body are at odds with each other in competition for my attention. My spirit has it’s own agenda. It wants to explore, collect new information and experiences, soak up life like a sponge and then evaluate it, savor it. Contemplate it. My body on the other hand, demands that I do certain things to maintain it. Its’ demands are constant and time consuming. They often really annoy me.

First it wants to eat, and then it wants physical maintenance, cleaning, oiling, trimming, moisturizing, then styling and accessorizing. Then it wants to sleep. Demand demand demand. Sometimes I feel like looking this body straight in the eye and screaming at it, what about MY needs? If all that I am truly IS spirit, and this body is just the car that I drive to carry me around, the “spacesuit” that I must live in, in order to exist in this dimension, then I personally find it extremely inconvenient that I must spend so much time trying to do what is necessary to maintain this body. Often times it feels like my entire life is nothing more than a series of routines, which ultimately lead back to fulfilling my body’s constant demands. I am aware of this because of the experience I have had when I DON”T pay attention to maintaining this body and the subsequent pain and suffering that occurs from that negligence. I have learned from that experience who is really in charge here. So, sometimes it appears to me that I am nothing but a slave to the endless requirements of maintaining this body. Sometimes it’s just a damn pain in the ass.

I realize also, though, that it is my privilege to have this experience, in this plane of existence, here on this planet. That regardless of the fact that my body isn’t as expressive as I wish that it were, isn’t as tough as I wish that it was, isn’t as pleasing as I would like,
that it doesn’t matter. It is all that I have. I suppose there wouldn’t have been the internal arguments between my spirit and the will of my body if I were not already acutely aware of the fact my body is only temporary, a bit of knowledge that my body will forever be jealous of my spirit over. So the solution appears to be that we are going to have to compromise. I must balance the desires of my spirit and the will of my body. I will love it, despite its shortcomings, and interpret its demands for what they really are, an expression of a desire to be accepted and loved and paid attention to.

Because after all…these are the demands of all the bodies out there.

Happy NYE!

2007-12-31T06:23:00.000-08:00

I'm reminded of the movie "strange days" whenever nye rolls around. Katherine Bigalow managed to catch that bittersweet emotion on film regarding the feelings of departing the old while simultaneously being pregnant with expectation for the future.

2007 has been at best, one of the most challenging years of my life, so for me, the prospect of 2008 embodies an emergency altitude adjustment toward higher ground.

Here is hoping that you also allow yourself to let go of the old and embrace the new year in high hope of new possibility.

Happy New year!

Love Chiron'

Less-Ons for More-Ons

2007-12-23T19:19:00.000-08:00

Well, here we are at the end of another year.

For me, this year has been an absolute hurricane of change, both externally and internally. I find myself looking around this morning feeling like I have awakened from a terrible nightmare. The illusion where the actions of another have seemingly dictated extreme consequence in my life. The fear and pain of feeling completely out of control of a situation where there was simply no understanding. Feeling out of touch, literally and physically. Lost.

My guiding Spirit tells me that this is the direct result of my reaching out for connection to someone who simply wasn’t ABLE, or willing, to connect with me on the level that I had attempted to connect. The hurt, pain, confusion and subsequent despair that that missed connection created in me was beyond belief. Because I am so completely hardheaded, Spirit had to show this particular lesson to me multiple times, and in different ways during the course of this very difficult year. What I thought was a battle between my attempts at fulfilling my personal needs verses the external universe, and it’s unfathomable plan for either fulfilling or not fulfilling those needs wound up instead being the battle to recognize the boundaries between my needs and the needs of others. Of course, it doesn’t help matters that it is my experience that most of us have really no idea whatsoever what it is that we need. Hell, we don’t even seem to have the ability to recognize when someone is busy meeting the needs that we have that we are apparently otherwise completely unaware of.

This is hard. Coffee would help. Coffee always helps. Be right back.

Purrhaps I am going about trying to describe what I have learned here the wrong way.

Here is a fun way of saying it.

You know? You really never know what you need to know until you know that what you know isn’t what you think you know. You know?

No.

Crap, this is harder than I thought to get.

Okay, let’s try this:

In trying to understand the world around us, there are MANY variables.

The people in the world, the cause and effect relationship between all the people, what they THINK they want, what they REALLY want, how their wants affect us and our wants..........then the same equation setup for NEEDS.........and we haven’t even addressed the issue of people who state their wants and needs as something other than what they really are.....

Damn.

I am NOT giving up here. Is ANY of this making any sense?

There IS a point to all of this. Here it is.

The dynamic of all the needs wants and expectations that the people in our lives have of us and for us EASILY get tied into a huge knot of confusion. There is a way through the confusion.

To my knowledge and experience there is only ONE way to navigate through all this junk.

Truth.

I have to learn how to be honest TO MYSELF, about what it is that I really want. About what it is that I really NEED. I also have to learn to be able to LIVE in that truth and share that truth with the others in my life.

Living in my truth is my lifeline. It allows me to take a step forward and plant a stake of intention into the rock at my feet. It allows me to tie a lifeline to that stake to secure my progress and renew my intention. Without living in that truth, the howling winds of insanity and chaos threaten to sweep me away. They threaten to spin me around and make me walk in circles. They threaten to tangle and even strangle me with my own very good intention.

As I continue on this walk through my life, I have to be aware and learn to determine the difference between other hikers who also live in their truth, and the hikers who have the best intentions, but walk without a lifeline of truth (and are always subject to being blown off course). These hikers will never understand that they are not making progress, because they do not acknowledge the need to use the lifeline of truth. They often have the very BEST of intentions, but are unable to realize them because they are always subject to being blown off course by the winds of chaos and RARELY are even AWARE that such a thing has happened to them in the first place.

Progress is slower and more arduous when a hiker has to pause, to stake intention and tie truth to it at every few paces, but the outcome OF progress by this method is ASSURED.

Moreover, as I become more proficient in this process, I discover that other hikers who use the same method welcome me. The ease of understanding between these hikers is at once intimate and secure. I find that the more I walk with my truth, the stronger that that line has become. My truth will support several hikers in the event of an unforeseen windstorm, and it becomes stronger every day.

This lesson is what I hope that Spirit was trying to teach me this year. Whether or not it was the lesson that was intended is unknown. However, it is the wisdom that I have learned.

Chiron’

Volcano

2007-12-13T12:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I discovered that nothing will send me into a tailspin faster than witnessing a fight in a vehicle on the road. Daddy was very upset for some reason, and mommy was digging in her heels, pushing him….all incredibly evident as observed through the back window of their black truck. Also evident, was the pain that the tiny little girl in the back was experiencing.

With each new burst of emotion spewing out of daddy like a volcano, the vehicle veered slightly on the road and tiny little hands went up to the sides of her precious little head.

Her pain was unbearable to watch. I couldn’t stand it. I had to pull off the side of the road and try to compose myself.

Do they understand that the indulgence of their temporary release of an argument in the car will leave that little girl with scars that will last a lifetime?

Pain is an energy. Once it has been released, it continues on and on and on.

It moves from the one who expresses it to those who are injured by it. Then it comes back out of them and is passed on again. And again. And again.

My hope is that eventually people will become more careful. More aware of how they vent their pain to others. My desire is to see people figure out a way to stop the cycle. I guess what I am trying to say is that it seems most human beings deal with pain with either anger…….or sadness. Fear of being seen as weak and ineffectual prevents most from expressing their sadness. So it becomes anger which is the primary emotion that we use when we are expressing our pain. I vote that instead, we all just acknowledge that when things hurt, we can be sad. We can express that pain with the tears that were given to us by the Divine FOR that purpose. Tears can heal. Anger, can not.

Humanity has convinced itself that we all must be so fearless, so indomitable. Sometimes it seems far more appropriate for us to recognize that we are vulnerable, and that to be so is okay. It is certainly better to be vulnerable than to allow our personal pain to damage others in the process of our own attempts at healing.

A Lighter Touch

2007-12-03T21:17:00.000-08:00

Whenever I am feeling down, I mean, REALLY, feeling down, I find myself returning to a section in my media collection that I affectionately refer to as “Life Support”. It is a collection of music and movies which represent the essence of “my ideas”. Some of the music is less about the lyrical content and more about the sound and some of the movies are less about the entertainment than they are about the message. In both cases, I am fully aware that the sounds and lyrics and messages may actually be less about the plastic entity of what is being observed, and more about what these mnemonic devices represent to me. My collection represents the experience I have accumulated during my time on this plane. So, when I run out of juice, when the needle of my spirit is bumping up against the label of my metaphorical lesson, and it's time to turn it over and start again, I find myself returning to Life Support.

I think we all have our own ways of doing this, whether others do as I do or not I really cannot say. What I can say is, the labor of the artists whose work is in my collection I consider to be Divinely inspired. As such, I feel that I/we are eternally in their debt for pushing the envelope to endeavor to complete such projects, and make them available to all of us.

This brings me to today's selection. I would like to personally thank Kevin Smith and everyone involved in the project “Dogma”. I have no doubt that there was enormous resistance to the making of that film. Quite a paradox actually. A film which I am certain was likely condemned by the many very religious people, on the grounds that it is blasphemous, is to me, a film which renews my hope, and my faith in Spirit. I am not really sure what Kevin intended in terms of the emotional response to the end of that film, I can only tell you that for me, it represents the epitome of what I had believed about Spirit all along.....and I think that's pretty cool.

My interpretation of Divine Spirit is one of light, mischievous, quirky, enigmatic, adorable Love.

Or.........if you prefer, smoldering, intense, loyal, unrelenting and undying.........Love.

I find it comforting to think of the Divine as a woman with a fatal attraction for the spirit of humanity. It is comforting because, I know that she will forgive me, if, in my ignorance I unknowingly do things that hurt her. It is from this sacred trust that I may open my heart to the Divine. It is from this sacred place that I may fill my heart with her Love.

Sometimes, I find that I become distracted by all of the junk that goes on in my daily life. Sometimes I actually forget to eat. Sometimes I become stressed and I forget to drink. Sometimes I find I cannot sleep.

Sometimes, I forget that She will ALWAYS Love me.
Because she knows, no matter what I say, no matter what I ever do....how IN Love... I am with her.

Holidaze

2007-11-18T12:21:00.000-08:00

Well,

here we are at an apparent crossroads.

For me, this is a time period where I traditionally begin the process of evaluating my own progress, my experiences in the past year and my reactions TO those experiences. I imagine that it is the same for everyone. This is why the holidaze can be so crippling to those who are unhappy with their current position on the map of life. Feeling powerless to change the things which make us unhappy can be devastating.

It is usually the point where I remember.....that there really is no condition of being either ahead, or behind. There is only our personal voyage, with the milestones we pass being more of a personal progress indicator than an indicator of relative timeliness of the journey.

For me, on a quiet sunday morning it means a constant stream of images flowing through my mind. There is no joy. There is no sadness. There is no anger. There is no fear. There is only .....me.

Embraced by the quiet of the morning, in solitude.

Suzanne Vegas “Song of Sand” playing quietly in the background.

I am consumed by a desire to understand what has happened to me, but I am aware that there is no information forthcoming that will comfort or encourage me. Regarding anything.

I have a particularly bad habit of trying to ascribe meaning to everything that happens in my life. While very handy as a tool to learn about processes or machines, it’s next to worthless when it comes to trying to develop a deeper understanding of life.

Because life just happens. Perhaps the grand plan of life is that there is no plan. Chaos theory.

Sometimes the frustration of trying to determine accurate cause and effect...or in some cases, affect, can make me feel like all of my marbles have rolled under the piano.

This is the point where I am apparently required to suspend my belief or disbelief in what I think I know and hold on for dear life to the hope that there is something bigger, greater, and more in charge of what is going on in my life. It is extremely difficult.

I have always led my life believing in a higher power. Typically, however, just in case I am wrong in that belief, I have lived with a parallel alternative belief structure. If the statement regarding man being created in God’s image is a metaphor, and Shirley Maclaine was right about the idea that WE are the Divine collectively, then it would follow that the responsibility for what humanity desires to hand off to a Divine power is ours and ours alone.

To sit for a moment and really absorb that idea kind of messes with my head. In the evolution of an organism, a Spirit might shrug off it’s spiritual power, in disbelief of it’s own natural goodness and state of existence. It would be a natural state for an immature Spirit. Hell, it’s what we do as teenagers right? In our world, it’s far easier to believe that we are simply not good enough. That we are flawed. That we rely upon something less flawed than us to guide us. (instead of owning that we are the goodness from which all of God’s love comes) It’s why I feel it is so critical to be ABLE to believe in my fellow brothers and sisters. It is why it can be so devastating to me when people do not act like a kind and loving Spirit.

The most frightening (I suppose) aspect of this, is that the teachings of Jesus overlay this model extremely easily.

If the decision of how humanity’s Divine spirit is manifested is up to us, well then obviously we must necessarily become......like we hope the Divine to be.

In this way we must learn to forgive, we must learn how to love in spite of, and because of ....everything else. We must learn how to absorb the wounds we sustain from others, in a state of grace. WE, would be the love of God, and the forgiveness of our transgressions. The act of becoming the energy we seek to please by harmonic resonance TO that energy. Even if the idea is wrong, can I honestly say that it isn’t what God wants of us? To TAKE responsibility for being GOD-like? To INTERNALIZE these values and LIVE them? With accountability? Responsibility? This is why I do my best to live by a code. I desire God to be pleased with me. I desire to let God’s love and forgiveness and healing come THROUGH me.
As I aspire to be like I hope God would be...

I raise my Spirit.

Like a child, and like a bird taking flight.

We must actively pursue the behavior which will resonate with what we expect the Divine to BE, otherwise we will not resonate in harmony with God’s energy and will not be able to merge with him/her/they/it.

Either way, it pretty much indicates the same value system. The same behavior is required of all of us. To know God’s love and forgiveness, I must learn to BE God’s love and forgiveness. The act of mirroring what we think the Divine expects of us does, make us a mirror of the Divine.

The lesson I have learned from my 42nd year on this world is simple.

The worst thing you can do to anyone, is to withhold your love from them.
To do so, is to withhold God’s love from them.

For those out there like myself, who have no other, make certain you understand that being alone is an emotional statement. Being solitary is a description. Just love without looking for that love to be returned and you will know God’s love. Do not let the holidaze fool you into thinking anything else.

Time continues, and we are time.

Watch me.

Love

Chiron’

To my "kid" Sister on her birthday. With ALL of my LOVE.

2007-11-11T13:22:00.000-08:00

You’ve come a long way baby.

Today, as I sit here trying to understand my life, trying to make sense of everything, trying to sort my expectations between realistic and unrealistic. Between isolation and independence, between trailblazer and wanderer.......my relative success and failure in meeting my goals and expectations...................I take time out to remember you.

You know, I never really felt like I had the chance to be the big brother to you that I wanted to be. I always felt like a big brother should be a leader, the point man. The sibling who looks out for the other siblings, and catches them if they fall. The one who guides and protects while pushing forward through life. The sibling who offers the benefit of his experience to his younger siblings to give them an added boost when it comes to learning about the world. The one they come to for help. I think about our past Shannon and I honestly don’t see that a great deal of any of that occurred. Whether because I wasn’t strong enough, or because circumstance pulled us in different directions I don’t really know.

I do know that I wanted to be much more involved in your life than what has become history. I don’t know what is tougher. Trying to live up to my own expectations of myself for our family, or the uncertainty of how to feel when I wasn’t able to fulfill those expectations for either myself or our family.

This November seems somehow different than any of the preceding ones. Something has changed. It feels like my world has changed. I know that I am struggling with depression, but a great deal of that has been in no small part to becoming aware, that the brighter more innocent world I thought I was living in has become somewhat less brilliant, less hopeful and a little more desperate that it ever was before. It is interesting to realize that I have been in a state of suspended denial for some time now. It is less difficult for example to believe in the best of humanity than when I don’t have exceptional examples which contradict those beliefs up in my face. Once I have had those experiences, it is quite a bit more difficult to continue to maintain the belief structure that has carried me to this point in life. At this point, I have enough data and understanding to recognize that I have no idea of what I am doing, or where I am going, and that my extreme efforts have seemingly been nothing but wasted energy. A sobering thought to be sure.

There is nothing that will bring clarity so quickly as having the vehicle of my understanding completely totaled as the result of some thoughtless insensitive driver on the highway of life involving me in an hit and run incident. What it does do is force me to understand that my vehicle IS damaged beyond repair , and that if I desire to get back on the road and travel through life at good speed, I am going to be forced to build another. Of course the real challenge is that resources are hard to obtain at this time, and components for rebuilding would be difficult if I had plenty of energy in reserve, which I do not.

All of which brings about the question regarding whether I need to even travel on this road at all? Maybe I should consider building an aircraft instead? Maybe that is all just too complicated and what I really need is just a magic rug.

Simple might be good. Simple might be really good.

I could just DITCH ALL of the expectations I had about who I am, who I should be, what I think I need, where I think I should live, how I think I should live, how others relate to me, IF others relate to me...

Maybe I could just instead, poke around my little pond of life and stop trying to participate in a rat race which refuses to allow me the benefit of using my best engines? Maybe they won’t let me use my best engines for fear I will gain an unfair advantage over them? ...You and I were both raised to believe that it was all about being “he who had the better mousetrap”....but that game doesn’t really work. It’s fixed.

So....I know that you are a brilliant woman. Yes, WOMAN. You will always be my "kid sister" but I acknowledge that you are an adult. I know that you will understand what I have really said to you here, AND....I know that if you don’t, that you won’t be too proud to flat out ask me about it. (I really love that about you). Because while I am talking about what is going on in my life, my world, all I can really hope for as your big brother is ever to be a window to the world for you, and let the knowledge of what I discover shine through me........to you.

I love you Elizabeth

Happy Birthday

Chiron’

Love, Lifeforce energy, Partnerships with each other, and Partnerships with the Divine

2007-11-05T23:25:00.000-08:00

I should preface by letting you know that I am an energy worker. I have studied the lifeforce of humans and animals and have discovered that this energy affects us in MANY ways. It can go out of balance, causing sickness, loss of mental clarity, even extreme emotional distress.

I have heard it said that we only have so much energy to play with in the course of our lifetime and how we spend that energy with other people is actually very important.

My ex girl friend recently said something similar. (We still occasionally compare notes regarding our paths) She believes that we are all allotted so much of our own spiritual energy, and that each time we share that energy with another human being ....that a portion of this energy, or our own spirit is used. Traded. Our lifeforce is diminished. She believes that only when we take responsibility for our spending that energy in a connection between a man and a woman, and do so with an eye looking for God’s approval can we really invite the Divine into our hearts, let alone expect the Divine to nourish us with his/her love/energy in any other partnering.

Human beings all have a built in instinctual drive to collect lifeforce energy and safeguard their own. Good parings of healthy people enhance and actually increase this lifeforce energy, and bad couplings or coupling with someone whose energy is diminished, or unbalanced can cause injury to both people.

When a relationship is ongoing, each person is feeding their lover with their energy. The give and take of this lifeforce is part of the invisible connection between people who are in love. This happens between close friends, lovers and family. God enters into equal partnerships.

This is one of the reasons that “closure” is so important in a broken relationship. If there isn’t any closure, then the energy connections between the two people are violently ripped apart. This causes both parties to “bleed” energy for an extended period of time until they are able to heal from wound. Both people in the relationship are injured regardless of who initiated the breakup. This “bleeding” of lifeforce energy is most easily witnessed as lethargy, depression, or extended grief. It can also cause a person to seek connection elsewhere to “plug” the wound......we call this “being on the rebound”. The reason it doesn’t work is that the new energy from the rebound lover isn’t the same harmonic as the energy that the person suffering from an energy wound is requiring.

Contrary to my ex’s beliefs, I believe that it isn’t about running OUT of spiritual energy, so much as it is about each partnering being a sharing of energy. I am not certain I believe that this has to be between a man and a woman either. Since I believe that the experience of being human is really only that of a spiritual being being incarnated, the sexual aspects of a spiritual union have little to do with the exchange of lifeforce energy in my book. (who knows, I COULD be wrong, but.....I doubt it). God is about LOVE. God is Not about........LOVE with conditions.

I believe that each time you are intimate with a person you are literally GIVING them a part of yourself. This is why people sometimes have “fatal attraction”. This would be a condition where a person has invested TOO MUCH energy in a person who is going to leave that union and are taking that energy away, that in their sickness or being out of balance they wind up taking too much energy and not giving enough back to the other person to create balance.....much to the disadvantage of the person who is left bleeding energy from the separation. I do believe that an ex partner can RELEASE the energy you have given them back to you, but not without a conscious act. Over time, (and partners) I believe that you can trade away a great deal of your Divinely given lifeforce. I believe that there are ways to replenish this energy, but once again, it isn’t something that happens by itself.

So. When it comes down to it. There isn’t any such thing as a “hookup” or any kind of intimate bonding between people that doesn’t come at some degree of personal expense. It’s important to understand though, that this doesn’t mean you cannot have multiple partners.....it just means that you should REALLY...........LOVE them, and they should LOVE you back. The exchange of Love will heal us all. The taking of love without reciprocation will injure us.

I could go on forever about this topic, so I’ll stop here. Feel free to comment on the subject, and let me know what you think.

Love

Chiron’

Eh...

2007-10-31T22:09:00.000-07:00

Whatever.

October...

2007-10-07T13:19:00.000-07:00

My favorite month.

A period of time where we celebrate the maturation and death of the old, so that the phoenix within can rise from it's flaming embers and soar into the sky, reborn. Unfettered by the weight of the old, the dead, the discarded, the lost, and the pain I've carried from previous wounds.

I cannot believe it has been a year since we were here last. Since then I have experienced THE singular most hellish year of my life. I have learned many things in this year.

This year I lost it.

I lost my perception of what it means to have faith in human nature, what it means to have faith in God. I lost my perception of what it means to have faith in myself, and what it means to have faith in future. My future. Our future. The future.

I lost a great deal of my fear.

I lost a great deal of shame, guilt, shyness, and feelings of inadequacy.

I lost my one remaining grandparent this year. I didn't get to say goodbye..... again. At least they were all treated equally.

I lost someone else I cared about so much that I didn't think I could continue when she was gone. I don't know why she did what she did. I don't know why she couldn't be my friend. I don't know why she took my love and then tried to destroy me. My world revolved around her. Then I lost that world. Now, I'm losing my ability to care about her at all.

I lost many of my teeth, more of my hair. I lost hope.....and survived until I found it again. (from within) I lost many many misconceptions regarding my relationship to both myself and to others. I have been witness to many aspects of human behavior which although I knew about from my studies, I never conceived the difference between what I read in textbooks and the actual application of that knowledge through first hand experience.

I have seen some of the BEST aspects of human kindness, and some of the WORST aspects of human indifference, and malevolent acts of heretofore unknown levels of selfish manipulative ignorance or evil. (which I can only assume at this point were not personal to me but rather just expressions of personal pain and confusion).

I have observed how a female can cry wolf, and make it work for her. Socially, politically, and economically.

I have learned that no matter how sincere a person is, that no matter how much they appear to have your best interests at heart, that they can turn on you and stab you in the back. That they can do so without the slightest bit of discomfort from their conscious. Long term or short term. That in the disbelief OF their actions my subsequent re visitation to the scene of the crash for clarification, only made things worse. I discovered that when someone goes that far into denial, that trying to continue to communicate with them can cause repeated stabbings and even more pain. I have seen the face of a human being show gratuitous GLEE in the ACT of ultimate deceit. (something that, seeing as it was never re-addressed, will no doubt haunt me for years to come.)

I have learned that SOME people have the capacity for behavior like this after having promised that they would be friends forever, (no matter what happened within the “relationship”). A relationship which started under the premise of being an overt demonstration of “unconditional love”.

I have learned aspects of people in a small community, and the dynamic of how people will choose sides and support a master manipulator. I have seen the incredible dynamic of how the “blame the victim” game works in human nature. How it is far easier to believe that a victim has caused their own suffering than it is to believe that what the victim was saying was in fact, the truth. The reason behind this phenomena is strangely simple. To believe that what a victim of a crime has said, opens up the deeper unspeakable horror to which every human being must instantly go into self protective denial over......that sometimes the most incredibly bad things can happen to any person at any time, for any reason, with no warning, and with no provocation, and sometimes, without ever even being allowed the benefit of knowing why. It's MUCH easier in a world where everything has a nice neat cause and effect relationship to expect that if something bad happens to a person, well then it simply MUST have been a reaction from something that the victim has done. I have learned that most of us actually live our lives and make our daily choices.........out of fear.

Through all of this, after waiting patiently, (and sometimes impatiently) for resolution, I have also discovered much to my horror, that there really ARE people out there who can do these things, and clearly, never look back or feel the slightest obligation to effect any degree of repair to the person they have destroyed with their deceit, treachery, or just plain over the top and off the charts levels of cruelty.

I have seen how far and how deep the depression caused by betrayal, hopelessness and futility can go.

I have stood at the edge of emotional abyss, and I have spat over that edge, in defiance of that path.

I have learned that no matter how much in earnest people will tell you that they will be there for you...that sometimes, they just aren't. Sometimes, it's not even something you can fault them over.

Usually, it's when you need them the most.

Sometimes people just look after their own interests. MOST OF THE TIME, people just look after their own interests. (This was truly a sad and unexpected revelation to me) {Can you say naive, anyone?} I mean, what is this game that some women play where they push you to see if you care enough to assist them, and then once you show that you will, then they start abusing your concern for them? American Princess syndrome out of control?

I have been shown, consistently, that I am NOT to reach out to anyone. Because the moment I do, the moment I drop my guard and open up, they will no longer want my attention. It's as if they have finally gotten a look inside a locked box and no longer have any interest once their curiosity has been sated. Perhaps they are merely looking for answers of their own, and it is merely the action of leaving no stone unturned, no box unopened in their search for those answers that this phenomena occurs? We are all searching. Half of us don't even know what it is that we are searching FOR. Because of this, I will not stop reaching out. I will not stop. I will not let the experiences I have had which burned me for reaching out KEEP me from reaching out again. I cannot.

I have found some things too.

I have found that people are both at their best, and at their worst, when they are in pain.
I have seen that often, a persons ability to reach out and help another person who is in pain is directly related to how much pain they have known in their lifetime. How much pain they can endure. How much of another's pain they will willing allow themselves to experience.

I have experienced issues of loyalty.
I have known both the loyal people in my life.....................and the others.

I learned this year just how much my family loves me. Family members who are both blood relatives and otherwise. I have learned that sometimes the best thing you can ever do for someone, is just to leave them alone, let them find their own way. I have learned what unconditional love really means. (the lesson just came from many instead of just a single person).

I have learned that sometimes I must be stern with those I love in order to really assist them. To really Love them. This includes myself. I have learned that I may love someone without needing that love returned. I have learned how to teach.

I have learned how to ALLOW................ myself.

So I have learned self reliance. I have learned strength. I have forced myself to learn to sink spiritual roots DEEP into mother earth, and stretch my arms HIGH into father sky, reaching. I have learned that I am enough. I don't need anyone else to complete me. I have learned that time spent alone can be either the most bottomless pit of emptiness, or the most peaceful cradle of self nurturance, and only personal mood control over circumstance will ever dictate... Witch.

Sun Day

2007-07-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

What a beautiful day today.
Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but life seems to be “throttling up” again. I have gone from a position where I didn't have much social interaction to the complete opposite. (and I'm loving it)

One of the things I have been raised with all my life has been the knowledge that it takes roughly 3 years for things to fall into place whenever you enter into a new environment. I am excited to see that this rule is still correct and that now I am seeing and feeling much more connected in my home here in Austin, Texas. I am reminded of that song by Peter Gabriel, “Contact”. It is just so amazing to meet and enjoy all these new people in my life. New pathways opening up as I discover more about myself through the various connections. Older friendships are becoming more sacred as I get additional perspective on the people who have always been there for me. The people who refused to let go through the trials and tribulations of time. They give me the extraordinary gift of common history. What better gift is there than the love of people like this in your life? Reconnected friendships from older lovers and friends from the past help keep me centered and grounded through all the change. You know, I think that statement we've all heard about how you know where you are at by the people you have in your personal sphere of influence is really true. I am discovering that I feel the quality of my life has been greatly enhanced by the energy of all these connections; new, rekindled, and old. I offer my profound gratitude to all of these people.

Of course there are some holes in my history, friends that I had to move away from who I have lost contact with, old lovers who I would enjoy reconnection with, old employers who I wonder how time has treated. Some of those people may eventually find their way back to me, and that would be a good thing. I'm enjoying my facebook and myspace pages, as both allow for the possibility of this, although I must say that I'm not nearly proficient enough to be able to do all the fantastic things I have seen people do with their pages yet.

It is said that you cannot change the world, that you can only change your view of it. By changing your own view of the world though, you can actually experience a shift in your reality. I am beginning to experience this type of shift. It's a beautiful thing. What's even more beautiful, is that anyone can do it. Have a great Sun Day.

Love Chiron'

Cold

2007-06-10T21:47:00.000-07:00

Some people take pride in their ability to be cold. How sad is that?

Over Fences

2007-04-24T22:58:00.000-07:00

Can you just IMAGINE what life must have been like when people were actually not only encouraged but EXPECTED to think for themselves? A period in time when the average persons OPINION counted for as much as any supposed EXPERT, simply because of the knowledge of FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE?
Think about this in terms of the sheer numbers of people who have been victimized one way or another by someone Else's knee jerk labeling of behavior based on information which may in and of itself be sound, but only sound with ALL the dynamic variables of the equation COMPLETELY accounted for.
(the fine print which basically destroys any credibility of the suggested data when applied to an equation which the dynamic variables haven't even been addressed, much less accounted for)
Seen in this light, this condition resembles something more of a social disease than anything else.
So what does all of this indicate? What does it all mean?
What it indicates is the replacement of the human element of emotional experience or wisdom by cold statistical science. Where once we were a tribal people, who sought out the elders for sage advice or perspective, now we have replaced them and their warm human wisdom, intimately acquainted with human nature because of years of first hand personal experience, with statistical correlation or facts by the numbers.
It started with fences. Once, the land wasn't subdivided. It just was. For everyone. Then, as individuals began to attempt to gain control over land, they fenced it off. Now, all of the land is fenced off. Then individuals began to attempt to control each other, and fenced each other off. Once humanity had fenced itself in physically, it began to fence itself in mentally. Society, culture, rules, etiquette, ..........behavior. The human spirit wasn't designed for this. This is a sickness. This is why there are millions of people suffering from depression. Depression is our body's way of telling us that things aren't right. Our solution these days is to do what we always do in the mindless pursuit of power and money....ignore the Spirit. Treat the depression with drugs to trick the body into accepting the unacceptable. Fence in every possibly definable behavior and stick a label on it. Choke the Spirit down, gain control. Exploit control. This model is repeated in every aspect of human existence on this planet. The fact that now we are all networked together only allows us to see when one of us cannot take the denial of their Spirit anymore. We get the information in a flash. Someone cracked, someone lashed out and killed. What sort of behavior is that? Don't we have a pill for that? What answer does the bible of psychology have for that? Now we have global warming....never mind that, look what's going on over in fence section 33b.........people are killing each other......over fences.

Re: Closure...imho (from BBS posting)

2007-04-11T21:33:00.000-07:00

While going through the various local bbs postings I stumbled upon an ongoing argument regarding people's various expectations regarding giving closure to an ex-lover. I was amazed at some of what I saw there, horrified, stunned about how some of the people were so vicious to their ex-lovers. It seems that more and more the incessant need for humans to be competitive at all costs is tearing down the greatest aspects of human civility. Certainly unhealthy competition between the sexes cannot be a good thing. I don't feel I was 100% in the development of this idea, but it got the basic idea across. In that vein, I posted this:

Closure:
I personally find it of great interest that we as a group of people have such a completely messed up process for getting women and men together. We start out the process and it IS a GRAND competition. Women for the most part do their best to attract partners using their sex appeal. (historically because I would guess that not too many men are attracted by their respective level of financial, social, or otherwise personal definitions of success.)
Women pit men against each other in order to find the alpha male. They may be unaware that they do this, but they do. This goes back to primitive reproductive strategy.

The point is here.....is that it IS a competition for mates.

Where it gets strange is, that AFTER a couple has become exclusive, then suddenly we all like to relax. We like to kid ourselves that the elements of competition are no longer in play. The partners are matched and that is the end of the competition. Yet, that's really not what goes on. Everything is fine so long as both partners are happy, but once ONE of the participants in the relationship begins to have wandering eyes, well then the competition aspect comes BACK into play. (whether or not the poor partner is aware of it or NOT) At this point the partner in the relationship who is loyal and happy will be being judged by the other participant in the relationship. The one with wandering eyes will be silently comparing their companion to OTHER possible companions WITHOUT their companions knowledge. (My experience indicates that woman are especially guilty of this behavior, as it ALSO is a very primitive behavior built into human females reproductive strategy.) But I will be fair and recognize that it's likely that it has it's share of men who also engage in this behavior.

To clarify: now we have a situation where ONE partner thinks the relationship is solid, while the OTHER partner has re-opened the element of competition by comparison and contrast between what they have, what is available, and what they want.

This is usually, obviously the point at which the relationship breaks down. The unskilled people engaging in this behavior will unknowingly alert their partner that they are becoming critical and experiencing wandering eyes. However the SKILLED people engaged in this behavior DO SO WITHOUT THEIR PARTNER EVER REALIZING WHAT IS GOING ON. The HIGHLY skilled partner can not only engage in this behavior but may actually engage with other partners on the side and manage to juggle them all without any of them becoming the wiser.
EVENTUALLY, the partner engaging in this behavior will make a selection between one or more of the partners they have and the partners who don't make the cut are completely BLINDSIDED. They will experience extreme distress because they believed the relationship was doing okay. They put forth their trust in the other individual and were loyal to them, they took their partner at their word, and are nearly destroyed at the complete betrayal of their “love”.

This is the point where we come to the topic of CLOSURE. The people who are the MOST GUILTY of engaging in this behavior are also usually the people who feel absolutely NO OBLIGATION to OWN UP to their behavior. They are usually the people who have the biggest problem with providing their ex partners with reasons why the relationship didn't work out. The reasons why they feel that way in this model are fairly obvious. They do not wish to allow the betrayed partner to know of their behavior. It is interesting to note that they also usually become absolutely rabid at even the slightest SUGGESTION that they owe their ex any type of explanation. The reason for that is also obvious. They have no integrity and to own up to their behavior is beyond them, because they basically feel that it is within their right to do this to another human being and they are not responsible for the pain and suffering their lack of integrity has caused. It is usually one of the behaviors found in the repertoire of less mature people.

Closure is when you give the previous partner the reasons why you feel it necessary to dissolve the connection. It is a behavior that comes between two mature adults who do in fact care for one another and yet realize that the partnership isn't working out. Closure is the opportunity for a partner who hasn't been 100% honest about their feelings or change of heart to communicate this in a mature polite way to the person that they USED to consider worthy of their connection. Closure has NOTHING to do with competition. It has NOTHING to do with being spiteful or nasty during the course of a breakup. Closure is something that happens between two EVOLVED human beings who otherwise cannot or will not continue a partnership.

It's a sign of CLASS people. You don't have to offer it to your ex, but if you do it, and you are honest, it does make you a better person.

Lattice of coincidences.....

2007-04-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

I remember back when I was much younger that a movie that really struck a chord with me was the movie "Repoman". Mostly tongue in cheek, the story held various seeds of wisdom in it which are only now beginning to really mature and come to fruition in me. In the movie, it brings up the topic of synchronicity and how we all have at one time or another experienced this weird but exciting "lattice of coincidences". Something about how you can just be walking along, minding your own business and then just when you least expect it.....(cue twilight zone theme)
Something happens which reflects what you were thinking of. You see visual confirmation of something that's bubbling up from your deep subconcious mind or spirit. Some quotes from the flick are : "it's all part of a cosmic unconciousness" "I think a lot about these things.....I do my best thinking on the bus. That's why I don't drive, see.....the more you drive?..........the less intelligent you are"

Amusing at first.....but upon closer examination you can expand that kernal of wisdom into a full recognizable state. What is the main difference between what happens to us when we ride the bus verses when we drive a car? Answer: When we ride the bus, we relinquish our desire to control where we are going. We have faith that the bus will take us where we need to go in due time. When we drive, almost nearly the opposite is true. We take an active role in working our will.......over the machine, over the environment, over the other spirits on the road. We delude ourselves about how we are IN control. Once we get behind the wheel, why, we are MASTERS of our own universe eh? It's very hard to listen to the Universe and hear what it is trying to tell US, when we are too busy trying to become it's master....

This is a great model for my life, and I'll wager, most peoples lives. I have to ask myself why it is so important for me to BE..........the master of my own universe. To fully understand that, we must ask ourselves what our unconcious purpose has been at the end of every day. We are all animals living in a concrete jungle. Our unconcious purpose is just to survive. We are all attempting to get our needs met. We all vary in the degree of that particular struggle....but we all struggle with it, make no mistake. I don't care WHO you are. Those who have accumulated enough wealth not to worry about meeting their basic needs...........have created NEW needs that they must struggle to accomodate. I'm quite sure their desire to fulfill these self created needs is just as dire as those trying to meet their basic needs. And so it goes.....no matter what state of wealth you are in, you are ending the day just trying to get through the concrete jungle in one piece while fighting to meet your needs. "You may find yourself in a beautiful house and you may ask yourself, well?.........How, did I get here"

So okay, we are all trying to be the masters of our universe so that we might have some level of control, some degree of reflection of our will manifested and displayed for us in our respective worlds. ........And then?............and then?...........and then?
Ultimately.....we all are trying to cheat death. Our desire to become master of our universe is nothing more than our own attempts to control the apparent inevitable. We all want a say.
Hell, people contemplating suicide........take them for example. What is it they are REALLY saying? Could they be saying that they want control over their own demise and if they have to instigate their demise in order to have a say about when and how and where it happens.....?
Don't get me wrong.....I don't mean to make light of the topic of someone's extreme distress, but I'm just trying to get it all into perspective.
Opposite Death there is Love, excuse me, I mean Life. ; )

When we love another person, what are we to expect? Of course we desire to see our own love impulse reflected back to us from those we love, but today's lesson brings into sharp focus the error of this way of thinking and being.

What IS love anyway? We all seem terribly convinced that we need it. Most of us appear to languish in pain and loss and despair if we don't feel that we are getting it. But I ask you, do you know love? Ask yourself. "Do I KNOW love?" What does having the love of another really mean? How do I know if I have ENOUGH love? I mean, I need this love stuff, and from the sound of it and the affect I have seen in others who are apparently IN love....surely the stuff must be in very short supply. Surely it must be a priceless commodity, because I cannot BUY love. I can not TRADE for love. I only know that from the inside of my heart and soul that I know that I DESIRE love. I know that I feel unhappy if I feel like I am not getting it.....or ENOUGH of it. Once again, I ask you, do you KNOW love?

What if I were to suggest that LOVE is really the same as LIFE? With LIFE being the same as ENERGY? Surely we all have had at least one point in our lives where we can recognise the smell taste and feel of this love stuff? Given that it's so precious, so hard to get and once you've got it, then you have to worry about keeping it, right? Guarding it? Hording it? Do we do that?
My answer is yes, we do. Love is lifeforce. Life energy. We all get and store as much of it as we possibly can. Most of our lives are like this giant easter egg hunt where we aren't content to find a single egg. We must find ALL the eggs. We must have more eggs than ANYONE ELSE! So it seems to be about love.

And now for something completely...............confusing?

What if I were to tell you that there is really ONLY ONE WAY to get, and keep love?
I'm sure you all know the answer already. I'm serious. You do. You just may not recognise that you know it. The answer is, the ONLY way to GET.............AND KEEP.......LOVE.........is to give it away. You cannot HOLD ON to love. It doesn't work that way. Love is like a river. It's constantly moving. When you give love to someone else....you tap INTO that river. You divert it THROUGH you on it's way to who you give it to. If you were to hold ON to love....love would not flow and love would stop. Love is the essence of the Divine. It is "The Force" from Star Wars. It is the lifeforce energy of this planet. You don't LOOK for love. You can not. You can only GIVE love. The bit about, "if you love someone then set them free, if they come back to you then they love you, if they don't you never had them in the first place" is totally wrong. When you GIVE love, you are nourished by the giving. That is all you need. ALL the love that is in you that you will ever need is accessed by the GIVING of that love to someone else who needs it. It is THIS LOVE that connects us all. It transcends all religion, it is the only thing we need to do and it is the only thing we really need. Love freely. Feel the Divine. "turn the other cheek", "Love thy enemy", "I'll pray for you"...........this is all the same thing. Give love to all you see who need it, and be nurished by the Divine in the process of giving it.

Maybe that's what John Lennon was trying to tell us? Maybe that's what all the different prophets throughout all the differing religions were trying to tell us?
Love Freely and without looking for reciprocation. It IS.........it's own reward.
Love Chiron'

Twilight in the Desert....

2007-03-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my place.........

For those of you who know me, and have ever wondered, "What was he THINKING??!!!", here is a place where you can get a greater understanding of where I'm coming from.

When *I* think of Twilight in the Desert, I think of the horizon where the stars begin to creep out as the last rays of the passing day fade from view. I think of the small comforting sounds of the night which gently overpower the sound of your own breathing. It is here, that I hope you and I will meet, and dream together.

Chiron'